Is it really over?

[holdingittogether123]

To cut a long story and all that...discovered DH affair at the end of Nov. Been a very turbulent time. He has been a bit ambivalent until I found a text 2 weeks later from him which was fairly low key but had sparked an emotional resonse from her.

At this point demanded an ultimatum. Commit or leave. He responded by telling her that he was sorry to contact her but that he would have no more contact unless necessary business. (She is a work colleague but not in the same dept)

Things had been relatively stable over xmas. On New Years eve felt concerned about potential for end of year reminisence by him/her so checked phone prior to going to bed for the first time together since discovery. A short coded text that didn't take a rocket scientist to see it said 'I love u too'.
Became furious and demanded to know the truth. He is absolutley standing by the fact she made a mistake and could have been an old text or one to her husband (same name!!)I have wobbled 2 or 3 times about this since and have not yet gone to bed together. He was drunk on that night and could have just given in if true but didn't. I can't get this out of my head. I have spoken about my fears and his is continuing to stand by the fact he has nothing to hide and that he has done nothing to put our marriage at risk. I just feel very uncomfortable.

I think he is lying.

What do your instincts tell you?

I think he's lying to, go with what your gut tells you, even if he has done nothing, texting means he's flirted with the idea

whether he is lying or not, you cannot live with this level of mistrust

Hi holdingittogether :)

So sorry you had to start your own thread! Good idea though, you should get lots of advice and support. I'm sorry, but being in nearly the same position as you I wouldn't believe H for a second :(. That's not to say that he's not telling the truth, but that I literally couldn't physically believe him- it would take a level of trust that you are nowhere near.

What are you doing to work at your relationship and process this? If it were my H I would demand he get a new phone/number, as a gesture if nothing else. Are you reading Not Just Friends? Have you got counselling lined up?

Given the back story - of a line crossed previously - which is more likely? That she made a mistake and sent that text to the wrong person, or that he is lying and there's something more going on?

I don't like his attitue. He has 'done nothing to put our marriage at risk' oh aye, apart from have an affair

I say trust your instincts. I'm afriad I wouldn't believe that either, she would be mega careful not to mix texts up with her dh and yours if she is trying to stay married herself. Sounds dodgy and the fact is, he abused your trust, he can't just expect it to come back.

Thankyou all for such a quick response. I'm overwhelmed with how people responded.

I only needed the first 2 posts before I knew I needed to push this with him. I knew he was calling in a the village pub cause had called to ask if it was ok. Left DC1 incharge of two younger and checked the pub carpark. He was in his car. Made me even more angry!!

Pulled up alongside and got out of car, into his. Was on call to colleage. Could hear his voice so knew. He ended call and I demanded the truth. He began to carry on as before but I didn't buckle. He admitted he had texted her on the way home from a quick pint at pub with friend earlier on NY eve. We drove home,5 mins later and put kids to bed.

We had a very big tear fuelled discussion during which I said I couldn't do this again and wasn't sure this was possible. For the first time since the affair revealed he begged me to stay and work on us. He got tearful and said all things he had said on previous days /eves about things beginning to improve and that he was seeeing me in the way he used starting to happen was the truth.

He said he will book the councelling and that he will move jobs if he has to. Yet another thing I have never heard.

I have decided to remain ambivalent at the mo although very hard cause I want this to work but feel he needs to feel that he could lose everything. We are talking and he is being ultra affectionate. He says that it was a stupid slightly drunken mistake and he knew he had made a mistake. I told him how he had made me go through 2 nights of hell thinking I'd made things worse by querying it. He talked more than he ever has about the affair and wants to answer any questions I have about it.

I hope this is a real awakening for him. He ihad definatley been treating me so much more as a best friend and we had been laughing and reminising more than ever so I think the healing had started where as in the first instance he just felt numb with shock when I first found out about the affair.

He asked me today wha day I would like to arrange counselling and he would phone to arrange.

Will update about the days events latter as bath time now.

Thanks again for all your posts.

Just wanted to say, I'd take him up on his offer to move jobs, pronto. Change phone number, but first, make him ring other woman within your earshot and tell her it's over! Good luck.

Hey Mrs, Thinking of you. Just try and hold it together. Trust your instincts and don't let pride get in way of talking to a few of your more rational friends and family.
Bloodey men and their testosterone.
They really are like little children and can't see beyond the present can they?
All about them and their flipping egos once you have children and the attention is shifted.

Bloodey shame on that woman.

Good for you for confronting this. However, start making some very clear conditions now. That he tells the OW in unambiguous terms that it is over between them and to do so in your hearing. That he changes his job too. I would also make it very clear that you haven't yet decided if you can get past this, because in truth you cannot know that you will.

It is a very worrying sign that he is still finding it so easy to lie to you about continued contact with the OW, now that you are weeks on from discovery. It is obvious that his text to her said that he loved her. .

Holdingittogether, I'm so sorry you were right about the text. But then he was in the car phoning her as well? He needs to take some serious steps to show you this is over. Actions are what counts, you obv can't go by his increased remorse each time he gets caught. Definitely what PIQ and WWIFN said.

WWIFN Thankyou for your advice. Very wise words which came at exactly the right moment as yesterday became suspiciously like it had been before. I have always been someone who hates atmospheres and would always buckle first in arguments to get the mood over with . Even when I had my suspicions (for well over a year before realisation)I still didn't ever maintain the pressure for thinking I was causing difficult feeling. Ibecame more thoughtful over the evening as I tried to ensure I didn't forget why I had been so angry with him. At the end of the evening he asked me how I was feeling and I said very raw. I said I was unsure if I could do this. He again reassured me but I said I needed more as this was the second time since finding out he'd relapsed. Asked him what he'd do in my situation. He said he understood. Isaid I needed evidence and he needed to think about this(it was 11 by this time and I was very tired as not slept really) also that I didn't think I could cope with them working together. He is v high up now,recently promoted so would need to think how this would affect us. He said he will think how this could be ajdusted. More tears but at least he looks much more remorsful than ever and has said sorry so many times. I really do think he now understands my grief and how he has ruined things. He stayed and worked at home yesterday and is in another office for meeting today. His suggestion. He is booking cousellor today. Thanks again for mush needed support.
robberbutton No he was on phone to male colleague. Sorry to confuse! Hope things are on a plateau with you. You've been so through the mill. I think the short seperation you tried could have really been a saving grace for you. They need to know what they could lose. DH isn't a mean person and he is now talking of how he too is feeling that the person that had the affair was someone else who he doesn't recognise and want to be. Sounds more that he was compartmentalising!! Shirley Glass was ordered day 2 after reading amazon reviews so glad did my research early on. Much needed!
PIQ and NAT Thanks so much. I couldn't agree more! 3 DCs,5,7and 10. Been in a children cloud until 1 year ago and youngest at school. Was just begining to breath again!!