Any sympathetic ears around please?

[humptydidit]

So I did it, I left H after years of emotional abuse, but I feel so crap and empty now. I am so ashamed of myself that I feel lost when what I did was so the right thing to do.
I am trying to hold things together for my kids and to start a new life but it's hard because he is still trying to play me.
Is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation who can offer some support/advise?
TIA

Womens aid is absolutely essential. You may here it a lot but seriously it is what has made the biggest impact on me. Everything else followed from there.

Hear!!! Sorry!

I have the support of Womens Aid already and have had excellent advise from them as well as help to leave.
I feel like such a flake because I "miss" him. I don't want to be with him and I know I made the right decision to go for me and definately for the kids, but why do I feel so empty?
I now see the extent that he tried to a suceeded to manipulate me and feel ashamed that I let him get away with it for so long.

It is him who should feel ashamed not you. You haven't done anything. One of the ways they get you so tied up is by changing all of your boundaries and tying you all up in knots. I know you miss him and you will for a while Like any relationship when it ends but stick with it. Your life will be much better without him and if you are anything like me it won't take a huge amount of time without him to begin seeing it.

You probably feel empty because has been in control for so long and now you has left him.

It is normal to miss him and grieve for the end of the relationship and doesn't mean you are a flake - just a human with feelings.

Have you got a counsellor? I had an ordinary none Women's aid one after Women's aid had finished with me so I worked through the relationship with Women's aid and then on myself with the ordinary counsellor - that helped too.

It made me so strong and so happy in the end. Also now I am wise

Be gentle with yourself. I found I just cried and cried for two weeks then started to get on with things. Meeting up with friends and doing ordinay things I hadn't been able to do before helped me appreciate my new life.

Getting the right support is helpful too. From solicitors, the police etc If you can't trust yourself get other people and organisations to help keep you on the straight and narrow.

THanks it means a lot to hear other folk saying that I did the right thing.

Does anybody have any advise re: keeping contact with him? I have changed my mobile number cos he kept ringing and he can contact me if he really needs to. I feel I need to have a means of contact for the kids to talk to him, but he is trying to carry on his manipulative behaviour still. would i be unreasonable to cut all contact with him and go thru solicitors only? And how would that work for the kids? They are small - oldest is 5 and to be honest only want to talk to him for 2 mins at a time anyway

Have you got friends? I didn't have any at all. I made some very good ones at a baby group. Normal friends to do normal things with were good for me. You have to find your own path really... Can only tell you what helped me.

I felt it was helpful to completely isolate myself from the children in his head. He was told to have no contact with me at all and only to speak through solicitors about contact with the children. That was vey helpful because it gave both of us distance and created a barrier between us. If he is abusive and you are vulnerable you need to make it so that he has as little opportunity to abuse you as possible.

Remember that he doesn't know what is reasonable or not - he is abusive and his priorities are skewed. You are vulnerable and not likely to make brilliant decisions where he is concerned too so solicitors, good ones that tell you honestly what is reasonable not just what you can get away with, and counsellors to help set your head straight are a helping hand. Do not be frightened if it makes him more annoyed. Keep at it, make it so he can't get to you at all. He wants to be in control of you so he will likely be annoyed at this but that doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. Think only what is good for the dc.

Don't make yourself more visible by fighting him either. Completey withdraw yourself from him.

Thanks curiosity, I have managed to get back in touch with a couple of girls I lost contact with for a few years which helps.
Just got off the phone to womens aid who are soooooooooo supportive thank goodness!
Am now trying to sort out a solicitor to organise starting a divorce and sorting out access to the kids and maintainance. Very worried about it all though because I don't trust him not to try to continue the emotional blackmail on them, but I guess there's not much I can do about that?

You can't stop him trying that but you can tailor the contact to make it less possible like by letting him choose days and times that suit him out of when you are available so he can't say you are unreasonable and you can ignore it and not let him see it affects you if he tries it then he will eventually stop.

Also not letting him see you only the children at pick up/dropping off times for a bit if he is really bad. I operated a policy of closing off a little more each time he pushed, not I a dramatic way but just that each time he pushed me he lost a bit of freedom and still didn't get access to me. I thought i needsed to assert myself as the one in control, quietly and confidently as if it had always been that way and was just expected. Didn't often feel like it was true but it was important to make it look that way - like you are serene, reasonable, calm and in control.

thanks curiosity, it really helps reading what you are saying.
I am trying my best to keep all dealings with him short and calm. I will be so glad once all the bank accounts and bills are sorted so I don't have to contact him anymore.
this morning he sent me a bunch of flowers with another guilt tripping note enclosed which I threw in the bin and gave the flowers to the old lady next door without even looking at them.
God this is so hard.

Oh humpty that is very hard! Well done for giving them to the neighbour and putting the note in the bin. If you feel up to it have a book and document all of this, also log incidents with the police, maybe keep a file of notes and cards that he sends and a folder for texts and emails so they are not in your inbox. It isn't like reporting him and getting him in trouble, just building up a picture and a timeline of the unwanted attention he is paying you.

When will all the bank accounts be sorted?

We were self employed running our own business and I have been left to deal with all of that which I really can't face but I can't trust him to do it, his style is just to run away.
I am sitting here in tears trying to file the VAT return which is now late and I have no money to pay it. I am also trying to sort out who we owe money to and who owes us. He emptied all the money out of our business account when I left so now there is £300 to pay back to the bank plus paying the business bills until I can get it all closed.
It just makes me feel sick that I am trying to get on with my life and he seems to not have a care in the world.

He emailed me saying he will try to send me £100 per month for the kids, we have 3 kids, today he starts a new job with £28000 salary and yet he says he can't afford to pay more????
Meanwhile I am trying to sort everything out plus move on with my life while having to ask my parents to bail me out left right and centre with no prospect of being able to repay them apart from sending a tenner a week to them for the next 20 years (or so it seems)
Sorry to be so just totally fed up with it.

Have you got anyone to help with the business side of things? I have no experience with this at all but would imagine you could go to small claims for the money he took from the business account? Maybe speak to HMRC about why your return is late and see if they will waive the late fee, maybe offer a letter from your solicitor if you can get one as evidence if necessary?

In fact if he took money from the business for personal use technically it is probably theft and possibly the police could be involved.

Have appointment with solicitor next week and will bring it up then. This whole thing is such a bloody chore, but I also need to make sure the accounts are up to date so that I have proof of my income to apply for housing benefit etc... So must be done and tbh has been hanging over me for ages.
Just need to figure out what money needs to go there and then get him to pay it back. He has taken over £500.

It is a chore but I think being forced to take control because you have no other option will help. It helped me to be comfortable with being in control of things. Very wearing, very stressful but ultimately can be very cathartic. You could maybe speak to CAB in the meantime?

So..... Good news, have got the house we applied for and can hopefully move in next week (currently staying with my parents). Also, have done the vAT return. Feel better already that I have some things sorted and can get my kids in school for Monday (have moved to new area to get away from H).

Wow! Well done! Very good news about the house! Very happy for you! I have had a proactive day also! It will be so great for you to be able to settle into your own space and start getting back to some kind of normality!

Keep posting.

Well done re your productive day!
Good luck to you anf the LOs xx

THank you, have today managed to register kids for school and also to get my hair cut off short which I love but ex would hate as he always insisted I kept it long!!
Am about to begin wrestling with banks etc and trying to sort out more crap... wish me luck!!