Is it normal never to even cuddle or touch anymore?

[funat40]

Question.

I have been married for 12 years. Married to a lovely guy - get on great. BUT we never have any physical contact anymore - no cuddles, no sex, not even the odd pat on the shoulder. Nothing. We used to be really tactile, always holding hands etc before the children came along.

Is this a typical scenario after children? We have had three children over the last few years and so life is very busy. I have mentioned to dh that it is really sad but he doesn't get it all and doesn't understand at all. He reckons we get on great and that people don't stay the same when they get older - that people only touch and cuddle when they are younger. To top that, we haven't been out on our own since our 6 year old was born but to be honest that it both our choice - haven't really wanted to leave them.

So I am confused. Is it normal to become totally platonic when you have young children. Or do others out there with young ones still manage the occasional cuddle. Dh thinks I am being totally unreasonable and hormonal - he doesn't think it is an issue at all as we never ever argue and get on great despite being together constantly.

Just wondering if I am being strange?

tbh everyones relationships are different,we all need and want different things,if its not making you happy then you need to talk things through with your oh.
its not just something that happens when you have been together a while/have kids.
do you spend any time alone together,could you get someone to babysit one night a week or fortnight to try going out together to see if you can get the spark back?

we have been together 12.6yrs,have 3 kids youngest is 2 and we still have much the same intamicy as when we got together.

hope things get better for u x

No it's not normal, especially if you want a marriage that is more than 2 parents sharing the same space. One of the positives that he has come up with about your relationship is a negative - "you never argue".

In fact, when the DCs are young, it is especially important to keep up intimacy if you can, because this is both a glue that bonds and a haven in the early parenting years.

We've been married for 26 years and have two teenagers, but we're very tactile, so your H is wrong about long-established couples.

Have you established why he feels like this? What was his template of a marriage, in terms of intimacy and affection? What is/was his parents' marriage like?

No, it's not normal, it's horrible.

I think it's normal to go through phases of minimal/no physical contact, but not for there to be none at all. DP and I have been together 8 years and despite having a baby and a preschooler we still hug most days, kiss goodbye and have a bit of a grope or a snog a few times a week, then sex if and when DD gets tired before I do. We're getting on well just now so are affectionate - when we're more distant the affection abates. On the whole, closeness feeds itself though, and a total lack of it, and lack of interest in it from your DH, would concern me.

I've been with dh for 14 years, married for 7, and we are as tactile as ever, after 3 children.
It isn't normal to never touch the person youare spending your life with. Please talk to your dh about this if it is making you unhappy.

You sound as though you are living more like brother and sister than husband and wife. I've been there and its a hard rut to get out of. But you must give first to receive and as this is worrying you then you have to take the first step to break the cycle. Whether its a goodnight kiss or a spontaneous hug, just initiate something physical but not threatening and hopefully you can build from there.

Good luck x

My DH has never been a really cuddly type but I do initiate hugs and I request hello and goodbye kisses etc.

Perhaps start with goodbye kisses when one of you leaves the house that way there isn't an expectation that it will lead to anything.

Re-reading your post it seems like you only see yourselves as parents and have forgotten that you are still lovers.

Do some non-parent couple stuff, get a babysitter and go and see a movie and snog