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Original poster

Hmm, thinking that he's not that into me...,

26 replies

geekgirl78 · 04/01/2011 21:05

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this one ladies. I've met this lovely chap, who I've ssen five or six times so far. We've had a lovely time together when we have met, he seems really keen, attentive etc. We've been meeting generally once a week-ish as we're both quite busy and he lives away a bit.

However, over the Christmas hols I've heard very little from him indeed. The last couple of times we've been in contact it's been me that's initiated it. He's always texted me straight back, but has not got in touch off his own bat. The last time we were in touch was New Year's Eve, when I got a (probably drunken) 'Happy New Year' text. To be fair, I didn't respond to this (had already done the good wishes earlier in the evening) but have heard 'nowt since. I'm on the verge of giving up as am not keen on chasing men. On the other hand, he is lovely. And he has always been a bit sporadic about keeping in touch. What to do? Text again. Delete his number?

Or am I thinking waaaaaaaaay too much about this?

OP posts:
Showmeheaven · 04/01/2011 21:36

I'd be thinking about it too tbh. He could be genuinely crap at keeping in touch so I wouldn't delete his number. But men do love the chase so maybe make yourself a bit more unavailable and see if it makes a difference.

TheFarSide · 04/01/2011 21:42

I don't know, sometimes I think that if you're not sure if a man is interested (especially after five or six dates) then chances are he isn't.

He could be chronically lazy/passive ... but then would you want a relationship with a man like this anyway?

As a veteran of many unhealthy and healthy relationships, when a man has been genuinely interested I've never had to go through agonies wondering about his feelings.

Good luck

IThinkNot · 04/01/2011 22:00

but if you didn't respond to his happy new year text then he's probably thinking that you're not that into him!

thisismyboomstick · 04/01/2011 22:04

Just bloody phone him!

nbyet · 04/01/2011 22:09

Yeah why not give him a call and see if he wants to meet up again? You have nothing to lose, worst he can say is no and then you would know where you stand!

Original poster
geekgirl78 · 04/01/2011 22:27

Hmmm, yeah. May well do that. Bit sad that it seems to have fizzled as he was lovely...
Am becoming increasingly convinced that the dating game is not for me. I just find it too stressful.

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MyBrilliantCareer · 04/01/2011 23:05

I'm thinking he's dating others too. Which is fine if you're ok with that, but I don't think he's fallen head over heels. Sorry.

kallima · 04/01/2011 23:25

I had a similar situation recently too. I just got that sense that he wasn't really that into me... anyway without going into all the details, I called him on his behaviour. He went away to 'think' about it, clearly stating he would call me the next day. Didn't hear anything for 2 days and then got an email saying he didn't think it was going to work!

I was pretty disappointed, but I do think everyone deserves someone who is really keen on them, so I decided it was better to find out after a relatively short period of time rather than after a year or so of me wasting my emotional energy.

HTH xx

StuffingGoldBrass · 05/01/2011 01:06

Are you so sure you're really keen on him after only 6 weeks? Why not chill out a bit and find other things to focus on, then if he's around, spend time with him, if he's not, don't worry too much about him.

QueenStromba · 05/01/2011 14:01

I was in the exact same situation last year - it was great when I saw him but had doubts about whether he liked me that much because I didn't hear too much from him during the week. I put it down to the fact that he lived a bit too far away for us to really see each other in the week. It turned out that I should have listened to my doubts and that he just wasn't that into me. My advice would be wait until he asks you for a date and then talk to him about it, I don't think 6 weeks is too early on to establish how serious you both are about things.

Original poster
geekgirl78 · 05/01/2011 22:27

He rang! We are going out on Friday! Huzzah!

OP posts:
TheFarSide · 05/01/2011 22:51

Fab news.

Do you think you will be brave enough to have "the talk" with him?

Original poster
geekgirl78 · 05/01/2011 22:58

Ooh - tough one. By the tslk, do you mean the whole 'I like you, where is this going' kind of thing? 'Cos I find that kind of thing a bit toe curling.

On the other thing, I did spend whole hours being grumpy over the fact he hadn't been in touch. Not sure. And if so, how do I broach it?

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Original poster
geekgirl78 · 05/01/2011 22:59

Obv by tslk I mean 'talk'

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TheFarSide · 05/01/2011 23:30

Yes, I mean the "where are we going?" talk, which I would find as excruciating as you, and therefore have no useful advice to offer!

I was just thinking, though, that if you have a great night on Friday, then he doesn't contact you again for 3 days, you are going to be back where you started. If you can tolerate this, fine.

I'm sure others will be along with some good tips on how to broach the subject.

StuffingGoldBrass · 06/01/2011 00:14

I really wouldn't advise doing the whole 'Where is this relationship going?' after six weeks. There is no way of doing it without sounding like Bridget Fucking Jones.
Really, the best thing to do is enjoy his company but focus on your own life, which should have more of interest in it than whether or not you can make this man commit.

Though I am conjecturing (perhaps wrongly) from your username that you are in your early 30s - have you got a clangingly loud biological clock going off? Even if you do have, six weeks into dating someone is still a bit early to start hinting that you want to have his babies or that you might want to. Six months might be nearer the mark.
Remember that dating is not just about making a man commit, it's about deciding how much you like him - you haven't had time to work out if he kicks his dog, underperforms at his job because he's a lazyarse, or has wierd relatives or whatever.

spidookly · 06/01/2011 00:28

Don't have a "where's this going?" talk. It's too soon.

You could try to establish, if you care to, what this is - are you exclusive eg (is that even what you want?)

I think after 6 weeks or so you move from casual dating to something a bit more established - will meet each other's friends etc.

The question I'd be asking (if any) would be "is this still fun for you?", certainly nothing about seeing a future or (god forbid) "groundrules"

TheFarSide · 06/01/2011 01:09

Yes, I guess everything depends on what you want out of the relationship.

Six weeks is long enough to get an idea about what someone is like, and fall for them enough to get hurt, in my experience - but I am an all or nothing kind of person, and was never into casual dating.

Therefore I'd want to be finding out whether he's looking for fun only or a longer term commitment. You're not asking him to commit himself to you with immediate effect, you just want to know that he's up for commitment if the two of you continue to get along. It's about avoiding misunderstandings.

That's what I mean by "the talk". It doesn't have to be madly heavy.

givemesomespace · 06/01/2011 05:58

Agree with SGB and spidookly. 6 weeks is much too early to have that conversation. Some blogs just aren't as forward as others and IMO you'll much more likely to scare him off. I think you're right, you might be thinking about it too much. If nothing's happened as yet, if you are comfortable with it and 'wasting valuable time' is on your mind, there's nothing stopping you going on other dates with other guys at the same time (although advisably on different days :) ). Hope it goes well on Friday.

Simbacatlives · 06/01/2011 06:40

On Friday just arrange to see him again on Saturday or Sunday. Don't let it slip into a week etc.

allgonebellyup · 06/01/2011 12:27

Is he older or younger than you? does he have kids at all?

Original poster
geekgirl78 · 06/01/2011 17:50

Wow! Thank you for lots of useful advice and ideas.

I think I'm going to go with my gut instinct and not question things too much at this point. I am in my early 30's, but don't have much of a biological clock thing going. In fact I'd decided to totally give up on looking for anyone earlier last year as had found the whole thing far too grim, and have a pretty busy and full life as it is. I wouldn't have put myself through the first couple of dates except he bowled me over a bit with general loveliness!

He's my age, almost exactly, and doesn't have children, allgonebellyup.

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MrsTucky · 07/01/2011 01:46

personally I'd never chase a man or let him see how kween I was. He has the power in his hands to 'use or abuse'......my way was always to seem uninterested, and it's always worked for me. Always got who I wanted. I think men like the mystery and the chase.
Have a good time with him, play it cool and confident, but don't seem over keen. He'll come to you.
I hate it to sound like game playing, but I just don't think men like a woman that gives her heart, or anything else too easily...or maybes that's just how it's worked for me.
Whatever happens, have fuin :))

Oneof4 · 07/01/2011 06:34

I did find that when I (finally) met the right one (now DH) that the whole thing just took on a momentum of its own and I didn't worry at all about where it was going because it was obvious. And that was from about date 3. There again, DH is fairly straightforward for a bloke!

But I agree with SGB - it's all about whether you like him at this stage. Enjoy!

Original poster
geekgirl78 · 08/01/2011 00:58

Balls! He's got a fab job, that means he's moving out of the area. So game over. Did not expect that one.

Am genuinely delighted for him as is a dream job. And did plaster smile on my face, and wish him all the best.

Now am just going to have one teeny-weeny gin before going to bed muttering 'single is SO much easier'. Sad

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