Ugh, mothers.

[FamilyShmamily]

I need to know I am actually sane.

Am not a mother, before I confuse you all. I was browsing the site and wanted to post. (Actually I browse the site a lot, you could say I was a lurker but it is a bit weird to love a parenting site when you have no children )

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Admittedly I am only 22, and 2 years is not a long time, but I have had other relationships and I feel really grounded in this one. I would trust him with everything, he is incredibly supportive and a very good man. I am currently a student, I am undertaking a year in industry and then have one year left at university. My parents are very good to me and support me financially in my studies, although I try to pay back, through work, most of what they give.

My parents are devout Christians and their answer to everything is 'pray about it'. This is not necessarily a bad thing - but just a bit of background.

When my mother found out I was sleeping with my boyfriend she dragged me home from university and screamed at me for days, saying things like 'the devil is in you' etc. In the end I told her I wasn't going to have sex anymore, which appeased her so now she thinks I am a born again virgin or something.

I've tried to distance myself emotionally from her as she is very critical of me and treats me very much like a child. To some extent I am enabling her to treat me that way, as it is easier to go along with everything she says than to put up with her screaming and shouting for days on end. But really her constant negativity is weighing me down. Because I have 'sinned' she detests my boyfriend, and she is very negative about everything to do with him and his family. She believes that they are working class and below us etc. She pulls this cat's bum face every time I mention them, or she will even say unkind things about him and them.

She refers often to how quickly I 'dropped my knickers' and I find this offensive and repulsive. She is also very controlling and wants to keep me and my brother around forever. After I graduate I never want to live at home again, I really want to stand on my own two feet and start a career etc.

I need advice on how to loosen this grip she has on me. I feel I have the right to make my own choices and just because she believes I am a terrible sinner doesn't mean that I am. I am sick of hearing her badmouth my boyfriend, who has done nothing to deserve it.

Thanks for ploughing through that essay! I tried to be brief but I can talk for England.

I think that you need to spend less time with your parents and live independantly as soon as possible. I don't understand how your mother could "drag you home" when you were over 18 and living elsewhere. I would have refused to go and threatened to get the police involved. Having said that I didn't discuss my sex life with my parents and they wwould never have known if I was sleeping with someone. If they had asked I would have told them I was an adult and to mind their own businesses.
You don't share their religious beliefs and don't have to live according to their religious beliefs.
She can only scream and shoul at you for days on end if you stay near her to be shouted at or don't end abusive phone calls.
Saying something like "mum I'm an adult now and if you don't accept that and let me live my own life and stop trying to control me we aren't going to see each other much" may help.
Refuse to tell her personal details and find an excuse to put the phone down if phone calls get too personal or circular.
Mine were religious, but not controlling.

Family

This takes me right back: devoutly Christian parents; mother also very concerned to appear a pillar of the Church. Her favourite rant was that "no man would want shop soiled goods".
She also resented the (significant)sacrifices which they had made to pay for my education (convent school) and every time I stepped out of line by e.g. being caught snogging, she would threaten to have me taken out of school/cut off the funding for university. It is not easy to resist when one is not yet independent; and, in any event I can see why you don't want this to cause a complete rift:she is your mother, you are young and this is only one aspect of life.

I think that you should:

1. Definitely not move back in once you graduate- I had to for two years of law school and it was Hell
2. Definitely not give up on what sounds like a lovely relationship
3. Not rush into moving in together- you can still have the lovely relationship but it would be better not to tangle up moving in with dp with moving away from home permanently. Establish yourself first, then, if dp is right for you he will still be there. Not living together will also give space for you to establish a healthier relationship with your parents.

Your parents will, in time, simply have to accept that you have a right to live as you wish; but it will take time.

I know that my mother is disappointed that I am somewhat aloof and do not have a close relationship with her; but I'm not sure that she has worked out how this stems from the way in which she treated me 25 years ago.

Good luck. You sound lovely and I'd be proud to have a daughter like you

I strongly agree with having a few years of living alone or with flatmates before moving in with a man.

Oh I completely agree, I didn't mean I wanted to move in with him straight away, I just meant in the future, in a few years, without having to be married first.

Also I didn't ever discuss my sex life with my mother, she found my pill packet in my room at home.

2rebecca you sound like a stronger person than me, I should have refused to go home with her but at that time she had a bigger hold over me and I couldn't say no. I can't really explain why because I am not sure myself.

Thank you so much everyone for posting. You can not imagine how much it has helped to know that I am sane! And that the way she has treated me is wrong.

I definitely did make it sound like I wanted to move in with boyfriend when I graduate, sorry that was misleading, I meant after a few years.

Littletreesmum, I do try to practise conversations in my head Unfortunately when it comes to the actual conversations I inevitably get a bit teary (but blink them back) and she gets cross because she hates tears.

Also, someone mentioned my father. He is lovely and we usually make eye contact when she is being crazy, and I will tell him the terrible things she says. He can usually make her calm down a bit. But I also feel like he should have done more when I was a child to stop her being so awful to me, and I feel angry that he didn't.

Your Dad sounds like the typical bystander within this dysfunctional family unit. These people act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. Would not let him off the hook and am not altogether surprised to read that you're angry at him.

Do read the books recommended and separate your own self from your parents both physically and mentally for your sake.