I don't really know what to say. My dad just keeps letting me down all the time. This is possibly the longest post ever. Sorry!
He was a wonderful father when I was little - he did all the housework, worked really hard, played with me every day, read to me, made worksheets, sent me on adventures, just gave me an absolutle joy of a childhood. He was married to my mum, who was and continues to be horrible. When my parents divorced I was 13. My mum told me the divorce was because my dad abused children - including me. I obviously said he didn't. She said I was making up memories, and I shouldn't trust my memories etc. (my parents actually divorced because of my mum's adultery)
As a result I was left feeling very confused, and refused to see my dad for a few years. I think this detroyed our relationship. We were so close, but I think he felt betrayed that I trusted my mum over him. (my mum was manipulative, I don't know why I listened to her, but I was young and an idiot.) When I was 15 I fell out with my mum. Big time. She decided to stop talking to me. She didn't say a single word to me for 5 months. Then she told me to go and live with my dad. (who I hadn't seen in the meantime) I said what about abuse? She laughed at me, rolled her eyes and told me she'd been joking about that, I must have been stupid to have believed her. Then about 10 mins later she handed me a bag and my dad's address and waved me off. So I went to live with my dad.
We had a nice (if not a bit weird!) time together, and had lots of frank discussions about the past. He has not abused children (as confirmed by my mum since - just 'jokes'. Or lies clearly as there is nothing funny about it.)
My dad had a new partner who he married about 6 months after I moved in. I got on OK with her, but once she was living with us she told me it was time to move out now. I was too old to rely on my dad. I was 16. Still not finished GCSEs yet! My dad said he didn't want problems with her and it be best if I left. So I did. I went to my mum's for about a week before my new stepdad and my mum got violent towards me and physically threw me out. I found a hostel eventually, then built myself up, after a few struggles, to a room in a houseshare. I felt let down by my dad during this time but saw him about once a month. He never helped me out with anything. Didn't see my mum either.
After a while my life settled down and I continued to see my dad, but as I moved away, saw him maybe every 2/3 months. I settled down, got a mortgage, a partner, a career etc. Years go by. Then I had my first child. I was so excited for my dad to be a grandad, thinking back to my childhood and how great he was. My child was born. Labour was complicated and didn't go well for her. She died. I was obviously devastated. Lost. My dad was ... well, just horrible really. He was the first person I phoned after she died, and he said "for f sake, this is the last thing I need". So out of character for him. I put it down to shock. In arranging her funeral I asked my dad to lead the service. He does public speaking very well and I thought he would love to show what we mean to him. He said he would be honoured. On the day he didn't show up. :(
I found out later he had just separated from his wife that very week. Since then our relationship has been a bit off and on. He lost his job, and took up smoking. He got back with his wife. He drinks a lot, and she drinks even more. Every time I try to see him he cancels. I have had more children since my daughter died, and he has hardly even seen them. Then just yesterday we had arranged to take the children round to see him. Its a long drive. We were almost there when he called to say he had been called into work ( a new job) so couldn't see us. As we were so close we carried on and parked outside his house. I posted christmas presents through his letter box, but saw him through the window. I just ignored him, got back in the car and we carried on our day without him. He didn't see me. The time I saw him was about 30 mins after he was supposedly starting work. He wasn't even dressed.
What should I do about him? I know he was lying to me. He has been like this the last few years. The only time I have managed to see him in 18 months was when we turned up to his house unannounced. Every other time he is really positive, really excited etc, then at the last minute he cancels.
When I did see him he broke down and confessed to massive debt and addiction. :( I don't know what to do. I am worried about him, but feel so let down. How can I help him? Should I help him? Why wouldn't he want to see me and my family?
(such an insanely long post - sorry! Also have a busy afternoon with the children so might not be around if anyone actually manages to read this all, and post a reply!)