Prefer my own company?

[taboo]

I think I must've come to a bad place in my relationship... I'm finding that I feel more 'hemmed in' and less relaxed when dh is at home on the weekends. I actually look forward to him going back to work on Mondays, so that ds and I can get back to our 'normal' routine. I also look forward to when he goes away on business most of the time, even though I get left with the sole care of my child.

I seem to remember a similar thread to this a while ago. I'm not sure of all the reasons why I feel this way, except that we've had a few problems on and off for a while, but it's more that I've become accustomed to being on my own without him. Does anyone else feel this way, and what do you think it means?

[Iggy]

Not sure what it means. You dont give a lot of info. DO you work? DO you love him, but just feel he is upsetting the routine when he comes home and wants things his own way, or are you completely Off him? How old are you? How long have you been married?
I love my time on my own when dh is away, but i do look forward to having him back too. Can you maybe do things together that you both enjoy when he is there, and also keep some personal space for your self? My dh and I have room each that is our own private space - mine for sewing, chatting with friends on the phone or just having a cup of tea with the morning news on, before the kids wake up. His is the computer area /main Tv room. I know we are lucky to have the space to be able to enjoy this kind of luxury but I think we would kill each other if we did not enjoy some time out now and then. We also make a point of going out together for a romantic meal once a week just to stay close. I feel you need a place you can go to when you feel he is under your feet or upsetting your routine or something. Or just go into the garden, or for a drive in the car?Or just shut the door and log in to mumsnet?

Can you talk to him about it ? How long have you been married ?How does he feel ? Does he feel like the outsider when he sees the close relationship you have with ds? Is that why he is trying to "contribute" and its upsetting your routine? I may be way off base. . . .

Sorry, not much advice, but lots of sympathy. It must be awful to feel this way, esp with a child involved. Are you really beginning to prefer your own company to his or is that the symptom of some other underlying "problem" that you mentioned?

Cyberhugs coming your way......

[doormat]

Taboo I think it means you can cope perfectly well without him.And you are stuck in a rut.You need to get out of this rut.

I dont know whether you are going through a bad patch but I love it when my dh is out.I can get alot more done housework wise without him under my bloody feet and without his nagging and moaning for
do this,
do that
and da other.
I have the house and the kids under control, then when he comes home it all goes to pot.

One thing I do suggest, if you are not doing so already, and that is the both of you spend a bit of quality time with eachother ie going for a night out once a week, fortnight, month etc without your ds.It will bring you both closer together and give you both something to look forward to.

[tigermoth]

I've always enjoyed having time away from dh, even before children came along. We stopped doing everything together after the first few months of our relationship. And he enjoys doing his own things two. Sometimes we hardly touch base with each other all weekend. I've known dh for 17 years and for better or worse, I don't see this distance as a problem. No advice I can give you, taboo. It might not be right for you and your dh.

If my case, this is how I've been with most of my previous boyfriends too. I've never hung around with someone most of the time. Taboo, in past relationships have you been used to seeing lots of one person or have you always looked forward to lots of time alone?

[taboo]

Iggy - we've been married 11 yrs but have known each other for about 16 yrs. I'm in my late thirties now, I worked full-time before I had my child, and now I'm a part-time student and a SAHM (although I do keep myself quite busy through the week). My parents live nearby and I see quite a lot of them, & most of the time they are happy to babysit. Problem is that dh is holding down a couple of different roles where he works, which means he is very busy and sometimes it's hard to find time to actually go out - just the two of us - but we do tend to go to quite a few of his work functions. It's not really alone time though, because he has to have his 'work face' on when we go to these things, and we're not actually spending any time alone.

I think the problem is that a lot of water has gone under the bridge, so to speak. We've experienced a number of problems over the years that have affected our marriage, and even though dh tries to hold on, I have been feeling my interest waning quite a lot. I feel like it's gotten too hard and I just feel really TIRED. Doormat you are right, I am definitely stuck in a rut.

If dh takes a day off, people still ring him all day and he ends up having to take phone calls and follow up on work issues. He has a mobile phone, a pager, and a hand-held phone/computer thing, that enables him to be contacted at all times by phone, message bank or email. If we go on holidays, people from his work still contact him and the only way we would actually get away is if we went overseas (even then I doubt that he would really be left alone). Even with his mobile phone turned off, people can still page him and I've had many a lunch with him when he's been on the phone most of the time. And his schedule is ridiculous - sometimes he just comes home from one place and then he takes off to another. I think I've just gotten used to the way things are. I've told him several times how I feel about this but it doesn't seem to change, so I suppose I’ve adapted by doing my own thing and distancing myself.

It's complicated because I don't think our marriage has had an easy ride, particularly the last few years – in fact it’s been very depressing at times. I think the way I feel now is as a result of switching off and not wanting to be near the problems anymore.

[taboo]

Don't know the reason for all the strange numbers in the last 2 paragraphs...