Breastfeeding & no libido

[SuperAmoo]

Hi all, I am still happily bf my 18month DD2 and have no intention of stopping (she still feeds about ten times a day/night) but my relationship with DP is on the rocks because I don't just have a low libido, I have NO libido at all and we haven't been intimate at all since before DD2 was born. My DP is very upset but I just can't force myself to do anything. I can't even bare to have my skin touched at all. Is this connected with breastfeeding or do you think it's a separate issue? Thanks.

I had this. I stopped bf at around 14 months, and about a month after I stopped I started to feel much more normal. Must be tough on your relationship if you're not having any kind of physical intimacy.

When my DD was breastfeeding this often I definitely had a low/non existent libido.

I think it maybe connected with breastfeeding but more likely connected to the hard work of breastfeeding ten times every 24 hours. You must be very tired after 18months of this. Is this over night as well? It might be worth cutting down the night feeds (if you are comfortable with this) to see if a bit of rest helps and a bit of clearly defined adult time. Does the baby sleep in with you? Some people, I think have difficulty coping with boobs having two functions at the same time and this psychological difficulty can interfere with libido (for men and women) add to that a lack of sleep, hard work parenting a baby, a lack of time alone with your dh, your dh making you feel under pressure (even if he doesnt mean to) i think it is probably a combination of factors. What do you think it is?

my relationship went through v.tough patches while i was still bf. it was due to various reasons, all baby related! i even considered relationship counselling at one point after seriously asking dh to move out (he didn't, that was the turning point). we managed to work things out and i made a real effort with dh...and ended up pregnant again! i'm dreading going through this phase again because of what it's done to our relationship. we've also got ds2 part time co-sleeping at the moment which really isn't helping. wish there was an answer or some way of helping things. i even thought about ff when dc3 arrives(but won't).

When my DD was breastfeeding this often I definitely had a low/non existent libido.

I actually think sleep is a different issue to breastfeeding. It all comes down to personal choice. If you want to be feeding an 18month old ten times over 24 hours and she is eating a full diet of solid food/has no health problems then I would say she doesn't need it but obviously will be benefitting in various ways from it. However if your DH needs some closeness and adult time and sex and you feel you need and want to give it to him then the baby can manage to give up some of the feeds they are having to make room for accommodating that need. Sleeping in the adult bed and waking in the night may be a consequence of or related to breastfeeding originally but are separate issues. An 18 month old should be perfectly capable of sleeping in their own bedroom and sleeping a good 12 hours interrupted, if that is your choice. If not there is great benefit in terms of closeness and sleep to having a breastfeeding baby in the bed... It is all choice and about balancing the needs of everyone in the family I reckon... It should maybe start with looking at what everyone needs and wants (including the baby).

I think it probably is a hormonal thing as I've always had a relatively low sex drive and maybe breastfeeding has pushed me over the edge into total celibacy. It's a difficult one with DD2 - on the one hand I don't want to hurt DP by neglecting his needs but on the other hand, DD2 becomes so hysterical if I try to deny her that I have reached the conclusion that she is a very high needs individual who benefits from having her nursing demands met. It so quickly calms her down - she is like a different person after nursing especially if her need is especially urgent. It's not about food for her, it's definitely about comfort and security and it gives her confidence. I don't know what to do about the night-feeding - books about extended breastfeeding say grin and bear it. Yes she does sleep with me but only because I don't want to have to get up and down up and down out of bed all night. The alternative is to have her scream the house down for hours keeping everyone awake. So it's the lesser of two evils. There is part of me that thinks that DP should grin and bear it too until she's grown out of it. If his needs are that intense then I am happy for him to go off and get them met with someone else. Perhaps that is not a good sign. I have never really found DP attractive anyway. I kind of got trapped in our relationship to be honest.

Oh god! I would say if that is how you feel about him I'm not surprised you don't feel like having sex with him! That's more of a problem than wondering if your sex drive is low because of breastfeeding I think. Do you think you want to leave him or are you just finding it difficult having a LO together?

Well, DP isn't what I wanted for a partner/husband but it just kind of happened so I've tried very hard to make the best of it and we've worked hard on our problems. We've got to the point now, where, if I just forget what I wanted in a relationship and just accept what I actually have, then I am happy in every way except when it comes to sex. For 5 years I just 'lay back and thought of England' but then one day I couldn't do it anymore and it's got to the point now where I can't even be touched. But I guess I was hoping that it might be a breastfeeding thing and one day, I might be able to have 'close my eyes and pretend it's not happening sex' again. That way I could spare my children and DP the agony of being separated.

I feel awful for you, I really do. Your dp and the dc will be fine if you separate. You can't live your life like that and it is more unfair on your dp than not telling him. I doubt he would want you to feel like that. I can understand why you wanted to give it a go but really you have tried so hard and it hasn't worked. What an unbearable situation.

Really, new year, just get out. Things will work out much better for you all if you do.

to not tell him!

I am permanently wracked with guilt. But I feel like we're so far in now - with two children - and been together for 8 years. There's no way I'd ever find anyone else - my body's is a saggy mess, I have health problems and can't have anymore children. So it's a choice between carry on through gritted teeth and hope it gets better - I mean having a sex drive would make the pretense ALOT easier - or everyone getting hurt/traumatised and lonely. I honestly don't know how anyone can split up - how does the guilt about damaging your children emotionally/mentally not eat you alive?!!!! I don't mean that nastily - I just feel so guilty myself all the time even contemplating it - it feels like their future happiness and ability to form healthy relationships rests in my hands all the time.

what an awful pressure you're putting yourself under there. You obviously will have a huge influence on how they understand loving, close relationships working, but you are not the only influence and should not be bearing the sole responsibility.

There is a very strong chance anyway that they are picking up very strange messages about loving relationships. It sounds as though they won't be seeing you cuddle each other, or give each other daily quick kisses or other signs of intimacy. They will notice this and wonder why when they're older.

It sounds as though your problem is not at all limited to BF but to your lack of love for your DP. You don't ever need to do that 'close your eyes and pretend it's not happening' sex, ever again. You could release yourself from that obligation, be honest with your DP and move on to a happy family set up with you and DP co-parenting but not together.

Children are very resilient. They pick up on your feelings and the best way to teach them how to have healthy relationships is to have healthy relationships yourself. I completely understand how you feel. If my XP had not left me I would have stayed forever. I now know how ridiculous this was and fortunately he left when I was pregnant and DS was only 8 months.

If you wanted a new relationship there would be someone else out there for you I'm sure but that is a long way off. You need to be happy with yourself. Saggy (normal) bits and the children situation or not! Those things are not what really counts to a person who loves you.

This relationship is eating you alive. I can understand that you are trying to take all of the trauma on to save the rest of your family but how are you going to actually cope with this for the rest of your life? You just can't. It is likely when the children grow up you will split up anyway and the children won't be protected. My own personal feeling about it, and I really don't want to tell you what to do - you really need to make your own choice; is that children cope best with the truth, as do partners living secretly is almost certain to be exposed at some point and when it is the secret will hurt but so will the actual covering up and pretending. If you carry on with this and convince the children you are together and in love then split up when they leave and you are left with DH they will not ever be able to trust their partners.

You just seem so worn down. It is awful. There's no blame. You have tried so hard to do right by everyone and what a mammoth effort you have put in and what huge sacrifices you have made! I can't bear the idea of you living like this forever, you know you won't be able to keep a lid on it all for the rest of your life. It will have to come out. You have to do something and that thing may not be leaving if you can't face that idea - perhaps couples counselling if you are really desperate to make it work? You also sound very down and perhaps depressed (unsurprisingly), perhaps you have always been a little depressed and that is how you got here? (speculation)

I just want to scoop you up! I think it will be easier for the children if you break up when they are little too.

Thank you Curiosity and Loves2Cycle. We were both very depressed when we got together so it wasn't a good start. I suppose the main problem I have is that the children aren't little. DD1 is 5 - she is already neurotic and anxious, I feel like this will ruin her life to take her away from her precious daddy. DD2 is 18 months and I know she'd probably get over it fairly quickly. It's DD1 that is the worry for me. I also worry that with no family within 200 miles to help, I wouldn't be able to cope.

You describe dd1 as neurotic in the context that she is living in now, having identified it as an unhealthy situation - maybe she would be less neurotic if you felt better? Not to say you have caused her to be neurotic it is in some way your fault but perhaps she feels under pressure too?

I think you are amazingly brave and clearly very, very strong to have managed 8 years, you clearly have amazing coping skills in there somewhere but maybe need to use them in a different way? Are you living near dp's family?

Splitting up wouldn't necessarily take your children away from dp. Sometimes it means a father actually ends up being more involved. Five is also still little. She hasn't got exams or uni or her own kids to worry about.

Your 18 month old would feel somethings about the split, I won't lie - my 8 month old stopped sleeping for a bit. You can't keep your children completely safe from harm, though you are so brave for trying, it is an impossible task. They might be very sad and angry, they might struggle and you would all have to deal with it together. It might be hard but you would be doing it because it was the right thing and would help you all in the long run.

But don't get ahead of yourself. Start in small steps, don't worry so much about a possible terrible end result and deal with everything bit by bit. Starting with how you feel about yourself and how you and dp can relate to each other. Take it bit by bit and be kind to yourself.

Thank you Curiosity. I am going to give it all some more thought. Although not too much as I have been thinking about splitting up for about 7.5 years!

I would also say that splitting up won't solve it all if what is at the root of it all is depression. Seems likely this will be an issue with that too. I hope you are able to improve it all even if it is bit by bit - there seems to be a lot to unravel.

Seems likely there will be an issue with that! Gah... Stupid phone!

One of my sisters went right off sex during breast feeding but secular sister and I went on regardless.

You do get quite a bit of leakage from said breasts at the crucial point. {wink]