please tell me about Relate

[relatetome]

DP and I had a horrible row last night. Awful. We seem to have lost the boundaries and just say any old thing. He agreed we should go to Relate so I was just wondering how it worked. Just anybody's experience really.

We had an initial meeting (not with the lady who ended upo helping us) where she asked us questions. Then we had seperate sessions where we got to talk in confidence and then we had sessions together where we talked about whatg had gone wrong. Best thing we ever did but really hard work and you both have the want to fix things.

I went 3 years ago. IIRC we were given an initial consultation apt within a couple of weeks but then we had to wait for a regular slot to become available. That way you stick with the same counsellor every week and makes it easier to arrange childcare / work around it. I think it's about £40 a session, but you can often get them cheaper as they reduce the rates if you are on a low income.

TBH the counsellor was very nice but she couldn't stop XP being abusive so we stopped going when we split up. Mind you, she did manage to get him to realise how awful he'd been, it definately hit him a few times and he knew damn well he was behaving badly.

Thanks Coca. How did you rate your counsellor, if you don't mind me asking?

I just want a sounding board. DP has a very difficult character which he is well aware of but with new responsibilities I'm finding it hard to cope.

My DH and I were in a very similar place about 6 years ago. We were at breaking point and decided to give Relate a go. At that time there was a waiting list and we had to wait a short while for sessions to start but having decided to try it we went for it. It was really hard and we had to discuss a lot of stuff that was really difficult to talk about. This is a very shortened version of it but after a while things started to get better (they did seem worse to begin with). Afterwards things were better than ever and the things we learnt/worked through have stayed with us. If money is an issue then they have (or at least did when we went) the option of reducing the rates to a level that works for you. It is not likely to seem cheap but looking back I would spend any amount and sacrifice whatever we could for what we got out of it.

She was good, she didn't take sides (even though I initially went in trying to get her to)She was very non judgemental too which helped us work through things we had both done wrong.She was also fine when we opted out of doing some of the more "new age" excersises.

On reflection the best thing about it was it gave us back our sense of being a team again. We had ended up being completely selfish and competitive in our "woes"
"Oh you think you've had a bad day, WELL! ...." etc etc
DH also said some lovely things about me and really opened up emotionally.

re Meglet I would agree that if there is an abusive aspect to a relationship then Relate is probably not the best option.

With our counsellor she was great and seemed to be able to see where each of us was coming from. From the little you have said (not a criticism, it's hard to give more detail sometimes and not necessary on an open forum) I would say Relate is a good choice. If you try it and it doesn't work then you know you have given it your best efforts. If you try it and it works then you have the knowledge that you worked damn hard and have got the best outcome (not a criticism of those who it doesn't work for, I just know that I am so glad we worked at it and it worked for us).

Everything Coca says. :o

DH and I went for three months and the lady was very kind and helped us to get a lot of difficult things across to each other. We weren't arguing much but weren't communicating very well through fear of causing hurt. Once we were talking more she announced she thought we were ready to stop going.

Incidentally DH often thought she was taking my side when she pointed out his thoughtless behaviour. I thought she was very fair and balanced as I took most of the blame for what had gone wrong anyway.

We have split up since as what I was failing to say to him was that I didn't want to live with him any more.

All in all it was a good experience as it was a safe place to express things that felt unsayable at home.

I'm almost delirious at the thought of someone pointing out DP's thoughtless behaviour!!!

DP has been told in many contexts that he is on the autistic spectrum although not officially diagnosed. SHould I disclose this when looking for a counsellor?

ANother question: is it usual to have separate sessions and sessions together?

We had seperate ones first because when they ask you questions initially I answered yes to have you ever hit your partner. I had whacked him on the arm once which isn't quite the level they were talking about but I figured there was no point hiding anything. Once you have said it though thier rules say that you have to be seen seperatedly so that they can assess the situation without the other partner feeling threatened. Hugely embarressing being the "abuser" but like I say they didn't judge, they are there for both of you.
I think it worked best for us having seperate sessions first.

I would also recommend relate though we had the phone counselling as for us the complexities of travel/childcare/time off work would have been difficult and would have taken away from any benefits.

This may only apply to the phone service but I had a 1 hr individual session for 2 days after I first phoned. Then DH had an individual session then we started weekly couple sessions with the phone on hands free between us (or sometimes with DH in his office, me in mine).

We can have individual sessions whenever we like but each person has to have one so it is balanced. My DH has some challenging behaviours and the counselling made him realise just how difficult these behaviours were for me. He has been able to "not hear" me saying things for years but then seemed to hear the same things when said by me in counselling sessions.

The counsellor has never really commented directly to him on whether his behaviour was out of order/abusive/unreasonable, but she has encouraged me to say things in such a way, he finally hears them. Things register with him during counselling.

Sorry was a bit unclear there - I meant that there was a phone counselling slot available 2 days after my initial phonecall. I was amazed it happened so quickly but perhaps this only applies to phone service.

Loves2 thanks for you post, it really resonated (challenging behaviour and selective deafness - tick!). Also I hadn't considered the telephone option, we have the big childcare issues so I'll look into it.

No problem, hope you get on OK with it.
I was just thinking about this issue of why my comments were properly heard during counselling, and I think in our situation, I was partly to blame for them being so un-heard for years.

I duck away from saying too much because I hate the potential for conflict. So I am great at burying issues and brushing them under the carpet. Obviously the fact that my DH was so good at supporting this by actually being unreasonable whenever I did confront, was HIS problem. But I allowed things to go unsaid.

So the counsellor has helped me find a way of phrasing things which lasts outside of the sessions if that makes sense. So I don't feel I have to get it all off my chest in the 1 hour, I have been given communication skills which continue even without sessions.

My only negative comment about Relate is that in their striving to be fair, they can tend to create problems. What I mean is my DH was encouraged to say what he felt needed improving in the relationship and he was then supported to give examples and these took on a life of their own. And even though I tried entering into the discussion and changing these things about myself, it didn't ring true, it just felt we were dabbling with something that was pointless. Even my DH seemed disinterested in the change/improvement in my behaviour - as though this thing hadn't really bothered him in the first place, but he felt obliged to come up with something. Hard to explain, sorry!

I wouldn't recommend relate if you want to salvage a relationship that is stale but not totally broken. i went to 6 sessions and ended up getting divorced.
I went 20 years ago and it seemed like an exercise in digging up old resentments and finding reasons in upbringing on why you are incompatible. more useful would have been lessons in how to have a healthy relationship eg listening skills, and respect for each others attitudes and indeed some social skills would have helped (for both of us)
As it was the counsellor made us more resentful than we were to start with and the same happened to an acquaintance a couple of years ago.

recently i had difficulties with my second husband and he refused to go on the grounds that everybody who goes there ends up getting divorced. so we went away for a mini break a much better use of the money as the sessions arent cheap.

I can see your point whendidIlastseeit but our sessions have been like lessons in communication and that has been invaluable and well worth the cost.

My experience is infact quite the opposite of yours - it has been frequently recognised in our sessions that my DH behaves like he does because he suffered abuse as a child and learnt very bad lessons from his parents about conflict/dealing with anger etc., but it is never left there. He has been 'taught' by our counsellor (and the book on anger she recommended), that his anger is now his own and he is responsible for his behaviour. He has learnt that he has choices in the way he behaves and that has been sobering. But also revolutionary as it places responsibility for behaviour firmly on the person themselves, not on the person doing the so-called 'provoking'. (what I mean is I no longer get blamed when DH is angry.)

So very different in our situaiton than yours! We were heading down the divorce route prior to counselling and that is most certainly on hold for now. At my most optimistic times, I would say counselling has saved our marriage (I also have less optimistic days but they are fewer now, by far.)

what's your situation everything?

Sorry everything, I realise that sounded a bit blunt! I am being nosey - kids happily playing lego and I can't be bothered to start on tea/do any tidying!

I would recommend relate too.

Our councellor really helped our marriage.

I thought she would be on 'my side' and point out all of DH's failings...

She actually got me to see my own faults and how they add to our problems.

She taught us how to argue. Sounds daft but she taught us how to get our points across and to learn what flares up rows and what fixes problems.

DH and I completely rethought our personal actions and reactions and I can honestly say we have never been happier.

That was 2 years ago.

Best of luck x