Brother, late 40's, still living with parents

[WkdSM]

Will try to make long story short.

My brother (intelligent, earns good wage, responsible job) still lives with my parents (in their late 70's) - he has never moved out of the family home (normal 3 bed semi. My parents admit they have made him too comfortable. When they go on hols they cook and freeze enough meals for him to just defrost and do rice with so he does not have to cook as he would be tired after work.

I moved out early 20's when got married - lasted 8 years - moved back for 3 months when split up then got my own place and remarried. DH works hard and we own our own place (with a mortgage) and I would say we are reasonably well off.

I have always been the one who helps with family events / organising - my brother does nothing. Example - my mother wanted a surprise lunch for my father on a big birthday a couple of years ago - asked to do it at our house - said she'd invite about 14 people. It ended up a sit down 3 course meal for 30 odd people - with me cooking and DH and I turning house upside down. I asked brother to sort out the wine - he did not - as he said he did not drink it and did not know what was good. Gave us a cheque for a third of the cost of food. Lots of other examples I won't bore you with.

I hosted Christmas (again) this year - I normally enjoy it but this year my brother turned up with nothing (well, normal prezzies but not even a box of chocs or a bottle of wine to say thanks for the meal) - my parents were planning on staying a few days. Brother instigates conversation over Christmas dinner about wills and what will happen to the parental house. Turns out that M&D plan to sell house when 1 of them dies, move into a 2 bed flat with brother, then when they die, leave flat completely to brother (so he does not have to get a mortgage as that would be an unfair burden) and if there is anything left after paying care or nursing home fees it will be split between my brother and I but mostly to my brother. My paremts got upset talking about it and somehow this became my fault - and they left boxing day morning and although I've rung them 3 times since they are being very cold to me.

So - I know that it is my parents money and they have to do what they feel is right - but I feel that they are pushing me out of the family (as I moved out the impact of one of them dying will not be so great apparently!!) - to be fair my brother thinks this is unfair as well.

I am very confused and hurt - I have tried so hard to be a good daughter. It does not help that my mother is loosing the plot a bit and I can no longer talk to her about things like I used to as she has started to embarass me in front of friends and business contacts by repeating things that are personal in public. My Dad is deaf and so does not hear them and then refuses to believe she would say the things she does.

I think you do have plenty to be resentful about

• brother not pulling his weight
• parents leaving everything to brother who has had it easy

I think the fact your brother still lives with his parents at little cost to him is actually none of your business (sorry) but I DO think he should be splashing the cash to rebalance the load a bit.

Unfortunately if your parents want to leave everything to him there's not much you can do about that - it's their money and their choice

Your parents are enabling your brother to be a wanker. Because of this, they are putting the burden on you to do the parties etc - what would happen if you said 'db can do it this time'?

I think they like him "helpless" so one of them doesn't end up living alone. I think the fear of lonliness is understandable, but what's going to happen to him when they die? Who will look after him then (because he'll expect it, if not need it) and will that burden fall to you too? How very unfair and selfish of your parents, if that's the case.

However, I believe that what they do with their money is their business, too, I'm afraid. So if they want to spend it all on him and leave it all to him, that's their decision. However, it would be a cruel one, imo.

BUT.

What you have, you earned yourself. And no matter what the monetary figure, that's far more valuable than any cash sum your parents could give your brother. Plus you're showing your children how to grow up and be independent.

Your parents have favoured your brother and that sucks. But it's a cursed gift because it's robbed him of so much - it sounds like he would struggle to fend for himself. You on the other hand, have benefitted because you have learned how to be an adult and take care of, and responsibility for, yourself. Again, the very best thing you can pass on to your children.

I truly feel your frustration - my own situation is not dissimilar - but there's so little you can do. You could write to your parents to let them know how you feel - but if you think your mother has dementia of any level this may be a pointless exercise - what about your dad, is he rational or does he agree with your mum completely?

And from now on, I htink you have to avoid the situations where your mother might embarrass you. It's very sad, but necessary.

You're in a horrid position, your feelings are entirely understandable. I really identify with a lot of your post.

Do you think they could be encouraging your brother to stay so they have someone to look after them in old age? The might be more dependent on your brother (financially and emotionally) than you think. Saying 'one day, son, all this will be yours' might be their way of insuring that he stays around.

I would feel put out if I were you, though. It's hard when family favour one child over another, and I see it happen often.

I don't think they had any intention of making my brother so reliant on them - it just sort of happened - and I'm sure that it is a comfort to both knowing he will be around when the other one goes.

I agree their money is theirs to do with as they feel fit - but it's more the emotional impact of 'you're just not as valuable to us'. DH says the more that I do the more they expect.

My brother pays them a percentage of his wages for board and lodging but it is no where near what he would pay even to rent a room in a house - let alone food and bills. Yet if he treats them to a takeaway Mum talks about how wonderful he is for days. They can't see that they treat us differently because that is the way it has always been.

To be fair to him, he recognises they are being unfair - but like me he can't do much about it.

Don't resent your brother, he sounds sad and helpless, kept that way by your parents so they never have to face life alone with each other never mind alone altogether.
Good article here about why YOU are the lucky one
www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-scapegoat.html

As others have said - meanwhile, try and detach from doing things for them. Think about how you are joining in the game of infantalising your brother by doing this.

You can't change the behaviour of others - only your own.

Sorry, missed your last post. I see that you want to blame your brother much more than your parents. Perhaps it is just too painful for you at the moment to see wrong in your parents?

I have a similar situation but the relation concerned in my case is my BIL.

Your brother though still has a choice; he is quite comfy too in his own way, he has also allowed this to happen to him.

I would urge you to stop doing all the family celebration type stuff for these people; it is not reciprocated, it becomes expected that you'll do it and they don't really appreciate your efforts. I would also try and detach emotionally as well as physically from them all. You do not have to play their power games.

Your parents are equally responsible here (as are my ILS) for the mess that they have themselves created with regards to their son. Overtly enabling him has caused all this. Both your parents (and particularly your Mum) have infantalised the man and as a result they've all become unhealthly dependent on one another.

I will PM you- I have an unmarried brother around the same age- not a totally similar situation but we did have "family discussions" a few years back about his being favoured in their wills- but they have now changed it.

I think you really need to grow a back bone and stop letting family use you like this. Dont do xmas/birthday celelbrations in your home(they cant make you-you are an adult!).
Re the will situation. Here in scotland you cannot disinherit one child and leave everyting to the sibling(even if you do leave a will,it can be chasllenged). Dont know the legal implications if you are in england or overseas but you should seek legal advice.

Does your brotehr not want a relationship of his own? Has he given up- late 40s is by no means too old to find a partner. That would be the one thing to make him leave.

I also suggest your parents take legal advice.
My parents have changed their will to a Tenancy in Common, for the sole purpose of not having to sell it for nursing home fees. When one parent dies, their half of the house goes into trust for the children ( 1/4 each) until the other parent dies when it all passes to the children. Thehouse cannot be sold with 1 parent in it as it is effectively half a house.

If your parents downsize when one dies, it is possible that if they have to go into a nursing home, their house/flat will have to be sold and your brother will have no home. Nursing home fees can easily be £40-50 thousand a year,(£2K a month is average) so unless they are very rich there may not be much left.

Truth is, your parents should have made him leave 25 years ago. What kind of life does he have living with them? To be blunt- has he no sex life and doesn't want one?

I can understand him not bringing gifts for you at Christmas because his emotional development must be arrested at about ages 17!

However, surely your parents should set an example- did they not bring anything either?

What is stopping him moving out now?
You and he say he cannot do anything about it- but he can. he must have a sizable nest egg saved if he has never had a mortgage and is in his 40s and is well paid.

I think you have to talk to him first and say you are upset, then both of you need to talk t your parents together.

They also need to be realsitic over the flat if it comes to that, and how their nursing home fees would be paid.

I guess that although whatever he's been paying is far less than renting elsewhere or a mortgage in recent years - depending when they took out their mortgage, what he's been paying could well be a fair whack of it.
They might feel that he's actually paid most of the mortgage.

But Paisley- that still doesn't make it fair- and neither will it make sense economically.

His rent that he pays is likely to cover his food and utility bills.

Also their house may be worth far more than the mortgage.
My parents bought their house for £1500 ( yes that's right) in 1957. It is now worth about £180 000.

He is unlikely therefore to have paid for the full value of the house.

In any case, i think the financial aspect is just one grievance here.

Oh, I agree that it's not fair.

Eurostar - Thank you for your comments but I don't blame my brother for the house situation - he thinks everything should be divided equally - it is my parents who do not.

The house was purchased in the early 60's and they do not have a mortgage.

My brother really brought the issue up because he wants to sort out the tax / care home implications. My father does not want to do anything because he says he does not want to loose control (another issue of trust - I was told that I would choose my DH over my brother and family if we desparately needed the money and apparently that means I would turf them out of the house if I had any interest in it).

My mother is always making remarks about 'You won't take the 3 piece suite will you when we die as your brother needs a settee.' or 'You would not your brotehr homeless would you' I tell her of course not but she can't get her head around it all. She is also worried that I might take the pots and pans etc - and this has been going on for years so is not connected to any on coming dementia. For the record I have nice pots and pans I am very happy with (!!) and I have an antique Victorian suite and they have a 25 year old one that has been recovered but the cat has clawed quite badly.

We suggested that Dad seek some tax or legal advice as he and Mum do not seem to understand about care home fees and rights of residence - Mum thought because they know a solictor from the golf club he should tell them for free - Dad recognised that was probably not going to happen but wanted to know who would pay. My mistake was telling him that I thought we should take separate advice as what was legally / tax wise the best for me or my brotehr might not be best for him. - therefore we should all pay for our own - cue hell breaking loose over the Christmas puds.

Just for the record I have never done anything to make them think I would steal / make my brother homeless.

I agree that my brother's situaion is pretty sad for a man of his age but it is what it is. DH and I have been telling him for years he ought to invest in a flat and let it out to cover the rent - even with today's bad market he would have paid off 15 years of a mortgage and have somewhere of his own when the time came.

Thank you for the comment about tennants in common - it is a very good idea but I'm just not going to get involved anymore with the house and stuff.

Have your parents any friends who could talk to them re. managing their finances?

It is very hard for parents sometimes to admit they are getting older and they can be a bit ostrich like when it comes to money and possessions.

Your brother can of course do what he wants with the house should he ever inherit it, so he could choose to give you half.

I don't know what to suggest. You say you do not wnat to get any more involved with thehouse stuff- so what is left to talk about?

It must be hard to feel your brother is the favoured one, but unless you can talk frankly to your parents- or he can- then it is unlikely to change.

In terms of his ungratefulness at Xmas I think you simply have to speak your mind to him.

Maybe for otehr family occasions you could all go out for a meal andhe could foot most of the bill, as his belated contribution?

Chances are, he hasn't a clue how much food etc costs if he has never catered for himself.

Has your brother been investing? What does he do with his money? Maybe he's got a solid portfolio of shares, precious metals etc.? Property isn't the only investment worth having.