newborn access

[spiritedaway]

Hi..not sure if this is right topic choice. Basically have split with ex. We have a 3 year old together and i'm due with our son in 2 weeks. I have a non molestation order to prevent him coming to our house after he ran off with 3 year old for 3 days, police involved. He had bugged our house and heard me making plans toleave him. I had told him i wanted out but as he had been abusive i was, as he saw it, plotting in secret. This is why he took our daughter. I understand he was scared paranoid etc. Since then i have met up with him a few times so he can see her. He has not had unsupervised access because he refuses to comply with residence order, the judge stipulated he and i should agree access return times etc in writing, just to each other. He refuses to do this. He claims i don't "let" him see his daughter. Of course it's his choice. If he merely writes on a bit of paper he could. 3 months have gone by this way. He earns an absolute fortune but hasn't bothered renting anywhere suitable. Wants overnight access at a house share he occasionally stays at with virtual strangers...comings and goings, door onto main road..shared bathroom and living space, recreational drugs...NOT SUITABLE. I have said no overnight access there, again he can claim i am controlling etc...alienating him from his child. When we meet up it's sad, I'm carrying his baby, i do have feelings for him, i just know he needs help,He doesn't see it therefore i can't fix things like he wants..ie..we just get back together before baby. Xmas was a farce. He refused to meet as arranged for xmas dinner...just spent whole day texting and phoning to be allowed here to see his daughter. I felt like a total heartless bitch but if i let him the order to keep him away would be useless after. Also he was being verbally abusive to me while insisting this was a seperate issue and my asking he treat me with respect or i wouldn't meet him withDD was me using child as a weapon. Does it seem like i am?
Basically should i just let him come here to see newborn. Otherwise how would it work without making my life harder? Don't want to be sitting here putting up with his demands and or calling the police every 5 mins. Lawyer just says no way..don't let him in but i am not hard enough to keep him away from his newborn. What can i do? Can i ask cafcass for advice? He won't go through court or talk to a lawyer...basically if i don't play ball he says our kids lose their Dad and that will be my call. Help??? Does this make any sense..it's late and i know it's all a rambling mess.

take your lawyer's advice. supervised contact for newborn only.

it will be his choice if he chooses to stay away, not yours.

omg poor you having to put up with all this while pg.

Hope you have some really solid rl support for yourself if not could think about who you could get.

He is so out of order and you know it. It seems as though you feel he is not the person who you started this relationship with so if you think along these lines then that;s okay.
As you would gladly have a lovely line of communication with the man you first met but no wayu with this man he is atm.

Look after you and your children and his responsibility as a father is just that his responsibility.

Your dc is so young and no way would you want to put yourself through the stress of his threats whilst just given birth.

If he loved you he would think this too, so...

it won't be your call. It will be totally, utterly and wholly his choice.

What he's saying is "I don't want the contact that is most suitable for the baby, but I don't want to be the one to walk away. I want to be able to tell people you forced me to stay away by not giving in to my threats"

Let him threaten to walk away. Know that you've done right by your children. You have kept them safe - that is the best and if he chooses to walk away, that is not your fault nor your responsibility.

My ex was told to have supervised contact by the courts. He hasn't. He hasn't seen DS in 7 years. It is wholly his choice. He occasionally emails my relatives whinging and threatening that I've kept ds from him, but I know I haven't. I know and he knows he was told to write to ds, to send gifts in the post and to have contact with supervision (abuse issues too) and he chose not to....

You can not pander to the threats and emotional blackmail for contact. Especially if there are abduction issues already.

What if you let him see your newborn baby and he absconds with him for three days like he did with your three year old daughter? Heaven forbid, but you never know with these twunts men.

The most important thing is to understand and accept that this man is a wanker and you are well rid of him. The man you thought you loved doesn't exist, it was just a disguise the wanker put on.
Don't let him into your home again. Don't worry about what he claims: no one with any sense will take any notice of him and why worry about what his druggy friends might think? When the baby is born you can allow him to see her in a public place at agreed times, don't give him anything that is outside of what the court order demands and every time he harasses you or breaches or tries to breach the order, stop contact and inform your solicitor.

Thanks all...really can't imagine staying strong when i have baby but maybe i'm just tired now. Got no family support as they are sick of it all. Basically will be me baby and 3 kids alone. With ex probably outside banging on the door or crying. He knows i've got feelings for him but if i show them he immediately usues it as a lever as in...you held my hand and hugged me therefore you must let me do x y or z. Of course i have feelings, we were going to get married, the whole situation is so sad and i know he is suffering. My mum won't come to stay because she doesn't want to be around the situation. Just keeps telling me to "sort it out" really don't know how i'll cope with school runs etc and feel like saying Fuck it...to avoid short term grief.

I am seeing a councillor tomorrow so as usual i will probably spend 35 quid to tell her what he's been saying since last time and asking her if it's acceptable...it's like i don't know anymore. Is it worth doing battle?....I suppose it is because he did take our daughter...although he reckons it was his right as her dad and should have been no police involvement. I think he was using her to prove he can do what he wants...or was he just terrified of losing her? I really really do not know.

He sounds like an abusive tosser you would be well-advised to keep away from.

Going to bed now...just wish the whole big mess would disappear. Or i could go back somewhere unknown after the baby is born. Horrible horrible feeling. Really struggling to think positively about the baby. I literally have a panic everytime i imagine what's to come. Thanks to you all. Just wish i was stronger.

He is still abusing you.

He is using your children as the means to do that.

The best thing for all of you is to have as little to do with him as possible.

Follow your lawyer's advice.

You know he thinks he has a right to do whatever he chooses with his children in an attempt to hurt their mother. The less he sees of this newborn the better.

recommend you contact womens aid or your local domestic abuse project. If you need help finding this let me know which county you are in and I will find out contact info. IMHO you are still in the cycle of abuse and therefore not able to fully believe that he is being abusive and not a dad who is terrified of losing his kids
re counselling - you should be able to get this free with one of the above projects. Even if cost isnt an issue you would benefit from seeing someone who is experienced in this area of domestic abuse
wishing you well

Please, please, please contact Women's Aid. He is as mentioned still abusing you. He is trying to control and manipulate a heavily pregnant woman and as soon as the baby is born and you are at your most vulnerable he will up the ante. Please abide by the legal framework set up to protect you and your babies - this man should not be their role model for relationships.

Please don't meet up with him. Get in to a contact centre, where they would supervise contact and you'd never see him at all, at least in the early months of the new baby's life.

This is an awful, awful time, but it will improve and you will have so much in future to look forward to with your beautiful babies. I'm so incredibly sorry you have had to go through and are still going through this. What a horrible position to be in, and it's appalling your family are being so feckless, too.

Women's Aid

spiritedaway - sorry to hear of your problems with the ex. I am currently going through a very, very similar situation with mine. I too am pregnant, have a 14 month old and am terrified about unsupervised contact (which he is trying to get and is highly dangerous). It may well go to court - just waiting to hear if he is starting that and if he does I'll be 8 and a half months pregnant at court. Great! Anyway could you possibly do me a favour and tell me what you did in the end re the newborn or what advice you received? My solicitor is sympathetic but gives no advice outside of points of law! Thanks in advance and hope you're managing to enjoy your babies xxx

Isabella, contact Women's Aid for help and support. If you have evidence of this man's abuse of you it will be no problem to insist on supervised contact only and get an order to keep him away from you - remember that abusive men often use access as a way to continue their abuse of their former partners but that does not mean that courts will award unsupervised access just like that. A good lawuer will be able to get access under strict conditions (he doesn;t harass you, he doesn;t see DC unsupervised) and if he breaches any of the terms of a court order, you can just stop contact and go back to court.
Best of luck.

Everything he does and says is about him, not you or your children. Parenting is a responsibility, one which he doesn't take seriously. He's playing you and you are vulnerable to it. You are obviously still in love with him, so you need to fake being stronger until you are stronger, avoid him!

Stop seeing fatherhood as his right but his responsibility, its supervised contact until he complies with the court, keeps to agreements and generally stops acting like some entitled brat.

Right now your children have at least one responsible parent, if you let him back in you would be leaving them with none. That may sound harsh but I think its accurate. Unfortunately it takes a long time to really come out from the cloud that is the manipulative bully, had my Ex not been remanded and imprisoned for his attack on me, I might be in your position.

Isetan - thanks so much and you're absolutely right about it - all he talks about is his rights, but doesn't pay anything etc and can't keep them safe even, it is like he has the mentality of a five year old with the manipulative skills of a sociopath! Not a good combination in a father.

I currently appear strong because I haven't had to see him since Jan - my solicitor stopped all that - so he can't get to me at the moment. However I'm scared witless about seeing him in court as he knows all he has to do is give me a certain look, start making up lies etc and I'll be weak and in tears again. It's trying to get it all accross to the court without proper evidence. If I can't and I appear weepy and irrational because of it he could get unsupervised contact and hurt my children. It's terrifying.

I'm going to stay as strong as I can, not look at him in court and certainly not take him back - not for my sake but as you say, the sake of my children. Thanks massively for the support and wise words - it's this kind of thing that'll keep me going in there. x

whens the court date?

I feel for you - I was in a somewhat similar situation having split up just before DD was born 5 months ago.

I agonised a lot about whether to let XP be part of DD's life. I felt strongly that children need both parents.

When XP was trying to manipulate and bully me (he was trying to get me to hand over certain rights by threatening not to see her again), a friend gave me a good piece of advice which helped extricate me from the mind games. She said 'What children need is not two parents but consistency. You can give your daughter that'.

This struck a chord with me. Knowing that if he did abandon her I could give her what she needed gave me the strength to stand up to him and call his bluff. I stood firm and stayed calm and open to him. He didn't make good on his threat, and now things have settled down. I hope now we will be able to truly co-parent but if not, I am confident that I can give my daughter what she needs on my own.

I would suggest you follow your lawyer's advice and keep him away from your newborn. Stand firm and if he really cares about the children he will stick around. If he doesn't, you will have protected them from damaging upheaval and conflict.

Good luck and try to enjoy the new baby! (I was miserable for a month or two but now am so happy and it's just fine being a single mum :))

Isabella, look into getting some support and counselling for yourself. It's hard recovering from an abusive relationship, though one of the key points in recovering is recognising that your XP is not a misguided wounded special soulmate but your enemy. He likes hurting and upsetting you, or he wouldn't do it. It sounds like your solicitor is aware that this man is your enemy and is helping to protect you from him. There is more protection, support and help available to you. And there is light at the end of the tunnel and life away from this man. Best of luck.

Thanks everyone - great advice springchicken - and also great to hear your experience yika.

No court date yet but my solicitor says we should expect April if he definitely goes ahead - pretty certain he will.

I will be keeping him away from the newborn as advised. I know 100% that he is doing this to hurt and frighten me and as with any bully, he will get bored when he can't get to me and will walk away. God knows how much damage he'll do to me stress wise first. Let's hope he doesn't manage to harm my babies in the process either. Thanks everyone and good luck xxx

Listen to your solicitor and do what he says.

Supervised contact at a contact centre for both 3 yo and baby. Don't trust this bully with your precious children. Keep them safe.

And yourself too.