is it best to ignore an offensive MIL?

[puffling]

I won't go into detail as it would run into pages, but MIL is truely offensive towards me and often to dp. I never ever rise to it because it would not be worth the consequences. She would have a field day, spoiling for a fight and dp believes I shouldn't respond as it makes life easier to say nothing.

Sometimes I feel for my own self respect, I should risk the wrath and tell her to stop. For the sake of dp and dd tho' I hold my tongue. I presume this is the right thing to do.

I must say, if dp and I split up, this woman would be given short shrift by me.

What have you got to lose by saying MIL, enough!

Just tell her to stop talking to that or you and DP will leave.

You are putting up with this, but it is eating away at you, and it is not a good example for DD. Has MIL started on DD yet, cos she will.

Few well chosen words, repeated over and over.

Enough.

It's unacceptable to speak to me like this.

We are leaving.

And that is it.

She is behaving like a badly behaved brat, treat her like one.

Why should you treat your MIL any differently to any other adult who insults you? Do you normally say nothing if someone is unpleasant to you?
I don't get the habit some people have of accepting crap from relatives. I expect my relatives to be nicer to me than they are to strangers.
I wouldn't spend time with an unpleasant relative. I'd say their behaviour was rude and unpleasant and leave if they didn't aplologise or ask them to leave.

I couldn't imagine anyone else in my life treating me the way she does. I almost accept it because it's so bizarre. If I told her not to talk to me like that, she'd have an almight rant and dp whilst not siding with her would accuse me of really rocking the boat and causing unnecessary argument.

It's not good for your daughter to see someone disrespecting her mother.

It's not good for her to see you accepting someone being offensive to you and you not sticking up for yourself.

I think you have to bite the bullet and tell her to cut it out or you won't be spending time with her.

Would you want your daughter to grow up thinking she has to accept offensive behaviour for fear of what might happen if she stuck up for herself.

And your DH needs to man up a bit as well.

What does your DH think about this?

Luckily dd is still just about too young to notice. If I did ask her to stop, for example while we're down at her house she would shout and swear in front of dd.
DP would not be able to cope with me giving his mother an ultimatum. Simply because he couldn't face the stress. I feel truely stuck.
Luckily we live in different cities, so i enjoy the times when she's sulking with us (these can sometimes run to 6 months meaning we don't have to see her). This does mean that dd isn't seeing her nana tho' which isn't good either.

DP thinks that I'm the grown up and his mum is the child. I therefore have to rise above it and say nothing because I should know better than her.

But puffling if you were the grown up and a child behaved as rudely as that you would gentle explain that their behaviour is unkind and you will not accept it. Wouldn't you?

Actually puffling my MIL once had a "toddler tantrum" just before Christmas lunch and almost as a reflex I suggested she went to her room until she felt calmer. She went ballistic so I went out for a walk outside until she had got over it. At the end of that visit I didn't go back for two years!

Well, sort it out now before your DD is old enough to notice. Let your MIL shout and swear, you get up and leave.

If she can't be civil to you, don't spend time in her company.

Your DH sounds completely bullied by her, so you're going to have to deal with this yourself.

Your DD will notice one day. And it will affect her, her view of you and her self-esteem.

Puffing it sounds as though your DP is the child here and is hoping that the adult (you) in his life will sort it out instead of stepping up to the mark and doing what he needs to do.

This does mean that dd isn't seeing her nana tho' which isn't good either

Why? Why would it be so awful for your DD to not see such an appallingly toxic person. Do you think she has anything to gain by this relationship? Will she learn anything good from her grandmother?

He sees dealing with her as a delicate balancing act and honestly believes that confronting her about her behaviour will be counter-productive.

SSB - no i don't think she'll learn much from her. However dd does have a warm relationship with her. I don't like to disabuse her from the idea that she has a nice Nana.

Puffling, if her Nana isn't nice, she's going to work it out, probably before she finds it out. This will effect the way she views you and her dad.

Your relationship with your MIL is bad, that can be understood, but your DP's relationship with his mother is bad. Until he sorts that out satisfactorily, none of you will benefit from contact with this woman.

The only possible way this nasty woman will ever respect you (not that you want her respect, but some peace) is for you to stand up to her.

More worrying is your partner's attitude. Put up and shut up is vastly over rated, growing a pair is much more attractive.

Like others I see the main problem is your P's attitude to his mother and his expectation that you are going to behave in the same way i.e. don't rock the boat sort of thing.

I don't think think this is fair and first and foremost I think you and him need to sort this out. Do you know much about his childhood and whether this has always been the pattern of behaviour - is he afraid of his mother?

You haven't said what she actually does or says but you sound very rational so it is clearly something quite unpleasant. You cannot just go on going along with your P - it isn't good for you, him or the MIL.

I don't think you can do anything until you and your P have come to some kind of agreement/compromise. There doesn't have to be some big confrontation with your MIL but I suspect you would feel less frustrated if your P (or you) made some retort after she had said or done something unpleasant. She sounds like a very angry unfulfilled woman. Does she have an H or family or friends.

Hope you can get that DP of yours to face the facts and agree on a strategy to cope with his difficult mother.

Thanks every one for your replies. Nana Nina, I think you're right. She is probably angry and damaged by things that happened in her younger life. DP is her only child. I think she'd feel more secure if he was more of a hands on person e.g. always offering to do DIY in her house, ringing to check she's ok etc. He's the opposite, fair but distant.

She is a very manipulative woman. Anything that we would say no matter how measured and careful would be twisted, regurgitated etc. I feel like while I say nothing she has nothing she v=can get me on.

Puffling I can only tell you things got much better when I asked my MiL, very calmly 'have you always been such a nasty witch or did you cultivate your skills over the years?' She literally fell backwards into a chair in shock.

She is very respectful now, albeit still bloody irritating.

My Fil has said some truly truly vile things about me' and dh over the years. I have not once ever risen to his vileness, have smiled sweetly and been sickly nice and it has driven him mad, as he is a very confrontational man. It got to the point where he point blank refused to even look me' in the eye in my own home , and still, I continued with the sweetness and light. I think he eventually realized that it was getting him nowhere and got a bit bored of it. I have had so much fun with it over the years, seeing his undisguised fury.

whomovedmy, loving your style!

Why thank you, I try!

I can't see the point in putting up with unpleasant people anymore. If I can't avoid them I may as well fight back

I avoid mine. She went too far last time I saw her. I just decided enough was enough. DH should see her and DS if she were interested, which she's not, but really she resents my very existence and thinks I "stole" DH, so why not avoid the situation altogether. Life is too short.