Am tired of being treated like this...need advice.

[accidentwaitingtohappen]

Basically I am the house cook cleaner, everything. Like today I had to go out and lug a new bed home For DS1 as he had jumped on it and trashed it...he thought it was funny.
DH sat on settee all day watching sport while I put new bed together. Then I had to cook dinner, wash pots, bath kids, make sarnies for tomorrow, sort out clothes for tomorrow. Just feel like my family treat me like a complete doormat. DH does as little as he can get away with and when I read about other DH's on here who actually cook and clean, it makes me seethe.
Kids laugh at me when I tell them off and basically seem to see me as some sort of joke IYSWIM.
Anyway, I know I need to toughen up, but how?
Advice needed ASAP.

How old are your children?

Don't allow yourself to be treated as a doormat.

For a start stop doing DH's washing/ironing.

Sorry accident to hear you are being put upon. But when you say "I had to" cook dinner etc you actually chose to do it for the family. Which is loving and generous of you. But if you do everything and no-one else contributes you will get worn out angry and resentful and they will never become self sufficient capable adults.

Step back. Stop doing it all and tell them things are going to change. Even little kids can help make the lunches and your DH needs to do his share. It wouldnt actually hav harmed DS to sleep on a mattress on the floor for a few days until DH got round to building the new bed.

SGB has some fairly bracing things to say about being a domestic appliance and you are being a Grade A excellent one but you are about to malfunction if you don't get some help!

Look after yourself

If your son thought trashing a bed was funny, then he should be punished. It's shocking behaviour and both you and your husband should sort him out together.

Didn't you call to your husband to help you when you were putting the bed together?

What about work? Do either of you work outside the house? Is it a bigger problem because your husband is normally out at work?

Well just the other night...
I had dinner ready, but didn't plate it because dh, ds, dd1 were not at the table yet. So I sat down with our dd2 toddler and she fell asleep in my arms (awww). Dh comes in and is a bit figity in the kitchen and paces a bit and then says he'll hold the child. Finally in the moment, I said, "No, you can plate your own dinner, fgs. Oh, let me see: you want me to spoon food on your plate for you, and serve it to you-I am your servant. Ummm-No." Ds-18 was there, thankfully, to know this was unreasonable of his father.

I am probably not the best person to advise. I am a sahm, but do the minimum housekeeping. Dh does the bathrooms every other weekend, bless him (even inspite of the above).

Maybe it would be helpful to look at it in a way to set boundaries (we discuss that in relationships-but I feel it could apply to chores as well.)
For example: I determined very early on that is is ok to not live in a sterile environment and much prefer giving time/attention to the dc...and letting them live without having to stress about 'sitting on the davenport' or having a shoe on the rug, iyswim. Baggage from my childhood I wasn't going to repeat.

When you start to feel resentful, try to see it as a sign to put the breaks on and go to your hobby for an hour (if you're lucky) or do something for yourself. I can see this would be more in line of managing the anger than solving the problems causing it.

I really appreciate your ideas and agree that I am letting myself be used as a charlady. So agree that I need to stop this but how?
Main prob is that as a SAHM DH seems to think that all things to do re the home is my responsibility, from washing pots to clearing cat shit off the front garden.
I have noticed one or two threads that also talk about getting DH more involved in domestic duties so will peruse them when I get the little darlings to bed.
I think main issue for me though is that there feels like a complete lack of respect from DCs towards me. For example, on school run today I missed a parking space in car park and DS1 aged 9 promptly replied 'are you stupid or what?' I found this really hurtful and asked him to stop talking to me like this, but it has happened a lot recently. Now his younger sister is copying him and refuses to do anything I ask.
DH says it's my own fault because I am too nice to them, is this possible, being too nice?
Anyway, how do I get back some respect?

You asked him to stop talking to you like that?

Well, here's a start. You don't "ask." You look angrily horrified (not "hurt") and say, "I beg your pardon? I don't know who you think you're speaking to, but don't you ever speak to me again like that, do you understand?"

And if they look like they're finding that amusing, see how amusing they find it when you remove all screen time for the rest of .... however long. AND STICK TO IT!!!!

The reason that your DC are treating you like shit is because this is how your DH treats you.

You and he, by maintaining this relationship, but living like this, are teaching your children that this is how you talk to you/women/mothers, and telling them that in the future, this is what a wife does. They lead by example.

You need to stop this NOW. Unless you want your son to be acting like your DH to his own spouse in 20 years time.

Totally agree with clam. Start from the basis that you are the Queen, and they need to treat you respectfully. For gods sake, what an awful way to talk to your mother

You are doing all this for no thanks, the trick is to do less, delegate like mad and smile when you 'ask' them to do stuff. (You're not really asking )

The children must learn respect, if the child who broke the bed was older than 7 then I would be taking some of their weekly pocket money to repay the new bed, teach him the value of things you work hard for . And yes, as a SAHM, you do work hard.

Have you ever left dh in sole charge of the kids for a few days, just to see exactly how hard you work?

The kids are just following their dad's example. Why should they respect you when dad takes the piss?

You're not being too nice, he's not backing you up. Do read some of those other threads then sit your DH down and tell him things are going to change, starting with simple things like 'Can you put the rubbish out while I wash up?'

Then together you can take on the kids.

You're not their scivvy!

I dislike having to "ask" the family to "help." We all live in the house, so we're all responsible for keeping it tidy. My two are a bit older I expect (14 and 12), but what I've found has worked for the last couple of years is to write a list of all the jobs that need doing and get them to sign up for whichever ones they are prepared to do - things like sorting laundry, taking out the recycling, putting the hoover round, emptying the waste bins, posting letters etc.. Be clever here, and include the more complex tasks which you were always going to do anyway and sign up for those yourself so you are seen to be doing loads too.
I find that my two are keen to beat their sibling as to who gets the moral highground for having done "more."

Great advice again. LOL at leaving DH to cope with them on his own for a few days. He can hardly cope for a few hours!

I agree that DH is not setting good example, but then am I?
By letting them walk all over me I have basically set the trend now. How do I suddenly announce that the rules are going to have to change....without them laughing at me.
Have it left it too long and is it too late for me to start getting tough?
TBH I don't even know where to start. I have 'carried them all to shit' for so long now, they are not going to suddenly start taking me seriosly are they?

If the general perception is that you're "stupid old mum," too nice to object, and a bit of a joke, then maybe it's time to throw your toys out of the pram and ham up throw a massive wobbly. Shout and yell, maybe stalk out of the house for a few hours and shock the living daylights out of them.
Then whilst they're (hopefully) feeling guilty and tiptoeing around you, you press home the advantage and tell them things are about to change and here's how. AND DON't BACK DOWN.
React, hard, EVERY time anyone even sniffs over the line with regard to being cheeky or rude, with a raised eyebrow and an "Excuse me? Would you like to re-phrase that?"

And remember, people will treat you how you teach them to treat you.
As perfumed mentioned, think "who's queen?" in your house. And LIVE IT!!!
Those kids (and your H) need to feel your inner steel. Sharpish.

I sometimes 'act as if' I am a person or in a situation when I don't know how to act/react .

For instance if in your situation and wanting to change I might imagine I was ,say, my old head teacher (who stood for no nonsense).

So when thinking about how to tackle rudeness I would imagine just how she would have reacted to such cheek and do as she would have done - very loudly and definitely.

There would certainly not have been any doubt whether she meant what she said.

I rarely have to do this now though as over the years I have taken on the characteristics I needed and dont let anyone walk over me any more.

Its all playacting really -but the payoff is that you get a reasonable life and the DCs learn some valuable lessons.

If your DH spent the whole day watching sport, when do you get a day to please yourself? Being a SAHM does not mean you should do all the housework and childcare.

Re 'acting as if' you're someone else, I have done that too but at the other end of the spectrum i.e. to show a softer side of me when I used to work.
I chose someone in the office who was very sweet and gentle and basically did an impression of her at times when I actually felt impatient/annoyed. It worked really well and after about a year or so it became second nature and became a lot easier.
Key to this I think is consistency. I thought people would laugh at me at first - but they didn't, I just got feedback that I'd really changed (not true - I'd always felt quite caring but it didn't come across untill I started acting it).

Do you know someone who is the type of person your kids wouldn't dare to cheek and think about their tone of voice and mannerisms and use them the when you need to?

So I'd really advocate this approach - it also really helped that I had someone at work I could let off steam to as it can be very tiring/stressfull to act out of type. Do you have someone you can confide in?

Don't forget too that being a 'too nice' to the kids is frankly better than the other way round and they probably love you loads.