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Relationships

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Original poster

How do I do it without destroying my DH?

22 replies

dingledangle12 · 03/01/2011 20:42

I have come to the decision that I no longer want to be in my marriage. There are many issues and I?ll give you the main ones, but my decision is pretty much made (through lots of discussion with friends in RL) and is not why I?m posting. It is a big cliché but we both want different things for the future, such as wanting children/or not, where we want to live. I don?t fancy him anymore, don?t ever want sex, our sex life is virtually non-existent ? he is usually not bothered but sometimes wants it and I don?t. I just don?t feel how I should about him. He had an affair a few years ago and although things seem fine on the outside (and to him) I have never been able to get the trust back.

So what I really want advice on is how I break this to him. He is a loving, caring husband. He has made many sacrifices for me over the years and this is going to totally destroy him. I?ve had months to think about it and have gone back and forth over it may times before I knew it was the right decision for me. I feel awful thinking that he has no idea that this is coming. At the moment, I have no idea how to talk to him about this. We don?t really ?talk? about our relationship ? although we are the best of friends and get on really well. And I really want to do it so that I cause the minimal amount of pain to him. Maybe so that he has time to get used to the idea like I have. So I?m not really sure what I?m asking for here. Maybe, in your experience do you think it?s possible for me to make this any better for him? I really don?t want it to end in fights/hating each other.

Thank you for any advice/ experience

OP posts:

Ixus · 03/01/2011 21:04

You just need to tell him what you've told us.

It will be a painful process, and there's no 'easy' way to do it, especially if you still care for him, but dont love him any more. Just be honest, sit down and have a good chat about how you feel. Then let the dust settle for a few days and then discuss how you are going to go your seperate ways.

Also if everything is 50/50 and you are wanting to make the change, you have to be prepared to make all the changes (move out etc..). Seems only fair if you've had a change of heart.

compo · 03/01/2011 21:07

Have you got anywhere to go?
I think it's best if you work out the practicalities first
not sure how to soften the blow
maybe tell him on a Saturday morning and move out that same morning so he doesn't have to go to work?

WherecanIhide · 03/01/2011 21:09

If only the twatty dh/dp I've read about on here could be as concerned for their dw feelings as you are.

Having being on the recieving end of being dumped, I'd say being honest and talking about how you feel has to be the way to go. Also, think about what you'll do and say if he tries to talk you out of it.

MummieHunnie · 03/01/2011 21:11

I agree with Ixus, tell him why, answer his questions, that was the thing that stopped me moving forwards never being allowed that conversation.

What has he given up for you? Why do you think he will be destroyed? Has he got a support system?

Hassled · 03/01/2011 21:15

It's going to be horrific however you do it. You can't ever make bad news less bad by the way you tell it. I feel for you - had to go through something very similar with my first H (like you, he'd had a fling and while he thought we'd get past it, I realised I couldn't do it and that really the fling was a symptom of a bad marriage rather than a cause).

And it was awful - my only real advice is to set aside a lot of time; pick your moment well and so that no-one has to be anywhere else, no-one's going to ring up or pop round, etc. Be prepared for the fact you will have to sit it out while he cries and wants to talk and talk and re-hash the past - but you have to be there, you owe him that.

If it helps, after a lot of anger and unhappiness, first-H and I are now very good friends. We managed to salvage the friendship we started out with - and he and my now-DH are good mates, go to the football together etc., he will be the guardian of my subsequent DCs should DH and I die etc. But that conversation and the next couple of years were like a car-crash - it required more patience than I knew I had.

msboogie · 03/01/2011 21:20

Relationships end. People fall out of love or realise they were never right for each other. This is allowed - it's not wrong or unfair or anything. It's when people lie and cheat and mess about that the real harm is caused. Just sit him down and explain to him what you have said here. In the end he will see you are right.

PorcupineA · 03/01/2011 21:47

I feel you should tell him your concerns and feelings about the relationship before telling him you want to finish. It's hard to be on the receiving end of a fait accompli.

I know from experience that you might think it is all over but that's from talking to other people. You haven't talked to HIM. He's the one who might say things which change everything. For instance the affair is obviously not dealt with properly. If you went for counselling you might put this to rest. Which might lead on to lots of other healing things. Of course you don't fancy him if all this stuff is not dealt with and then built on over and over because you can't talk to each other.

I'd say stop talking to friends, and talk to your husband. Preferably with a counsellor too.

If you have to split up then you can't control his emotions. Just answer his questions as that can be the most helpful thing to do so that he understands.

atswimtwolengths · 03/01/2011 22:02

I think that when someone is unfaithful within a marriage, it creates such damage that the after-effects are felt decades later. I was never able to go back to feeling the way I did.

He wreaked havoc by having the affair. You are now responding to that. He may be surprised that the aftershock is still reverberating, but hey, if it had been the other way around, maybe he would be feeling it now too.

PineCones · 03/01/2011 23:27

Dingledangle i could have written your entry (almost).
the differences are that no one has had an affair, and i have not discussed it with any friends. but we are on different wavelengths, i don't feel like having sex with him anymore (and we haven't for a long time), and there are fundamental issues on which we don't agree.

The love is not what it was but obviously i care about him and i don't know how to say it without destroying him. And i am dreading, absolutely dreading, the point where it has to be stated in black and white instead of the elaborate dancing around that we are doing right now.

i am also dreading the scorn and hatred of his family and our friends, and i know that the word 'selfish' is bound to come up more than once, in relation to me.

i guess i am sad, and terrified, and uncertain at the same time.

please let me know how it goes with you, and i will be keeping my fingers crossed that you make it through this difficult time and emerge at the other end.

ChippingIn · 03/01/2011 23:33

Would you go to counselling if he asked you to?

If you have made your mind up and don't want to see if you can work it out with him, then the kindest thing to do is to do as others have said, tell him when you have the time & space to talk (and talk and talk and talk) and have somewhere you can go to (parents/friends) so that he's not being forced to share the space with you when you've told him it's over.

:( I'm sorry for you both that you feel this way, but there was clearly a problem somewhere when he had the affair, he's had an affair which hasn't helped... it's not all your doing you know.

Hammerlikedaisies · 03/01/2011 23:44

Agree with Porcupine. Also, are you sure you want this relationship to end? Once you start telling him, there will be all sorts of consequences that you can't foresee from where you are right now.

However, it's probably unlikely that it will be a total surprise for him.

Are there any children - separately or together?

Good luck with your decision.

StuffingGoldBrass · 03/01/2011 23:51

Remember that everyone has a right to leave a relationship that they don't want to be in. It's not wrong or wicked to do so, it would be a shame to stay tied to someone you no longer want to be the partner of just because the person is not a bad person and other people think you should remain in a relationship that isn't working.
YOu have every right to end this marriage, whatever your H thinks - but you also have a responsibility to be fair about the division of assets/arrangements for DC etc, and not to indulge in telling him home truths about all his faults.
You don't actually have to spend hours listening to him beg and cry, nor do you have to give him 'answers' (FFS do the people suggesting that really think that a dumped person will feel better for being told that they are dumped because they eat in a funny way/have boring parents/dress badly/don't appreciate the subtleties of Dan Brown's novels or any one of the 101 different little things that can add up to simply not fancying or liking someone any more).
Best of luck, it will be hard but it will be worth it. And it's OK to be 'selfish' if the alternative is sacrificing the rest of your life to enduring a marriage you don't want to be involved in.

MummieHunnie · 04/01/2011 02:29

I agree, I think it is unhelpfull to have every single negative trait picked at as Stuffing gives examples of, that is just nasty to do that.

I do think that he should have some answers, for example, to have examples of how they have different views of the future, reminded that their idea's about having/not having children are important to op, and that op just does not fancy him anymore, that she likes him and cares about him as a brother and that is all.

If you have felt strongly enough about someone to stand up publically infront of both of your loved one's and declared undying love etc to marry someone and stay with them for life two years ago, I think you owe them to have an explanation and some time to ask questions and cry to help them have an understanding and to be able to move on and find peace and happiness.

I think in telling your friends at great length about your reasons, you have made sure you won't be the guilty party, and what does it matter about his family, you normally say goodbye to them with an ex if you have no kids.

K12Mom · 04/01/2011 02:39

He had an affair and it destroyed the trust in your marriage and now you want to end it. That is absolutely fair enough. I don't think you need to expand on that.

What are your plans? Do you know where you are going to go, or are you hoping to stay in your house?

By the way, how long did the affair last?

molemesses · 04/01/2011 12:41

There is no easy way.

It's horrible for both parties involved.

whensitgunnahappen · 04/01/2011 12:47

For what it's worth. You seem like a lovely person to care about others feelings. Good luck x

kayah · 04/01/2011 12:48

Don't do the final talk at home - that room/furniture etc will always remind you of it
best to do it in a neutral place

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/01/2011 13:06

I'd say that not being able to agree on having or not having children is a deal breaker; you can't really move on from that because if one of you wants them and the other one doesn't one of you is going to be resentful/disappointed for the rest of your lives together.

I'd just use that one reason as the one to end the marriage; it's not personal or picking points, it's just an impasse in what you both want as people and as marriage partners.

Never easy to end a relationship, OP, but better to end it now and both of you have the chance to find more suitable partners in future. Best wishes to you both.

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 04/01/2011 13:15

i am also dreading the scorn and hatred of his family and our friends, and i know that the word 'selfish' is bound to come up more than once, in relation to me.

Pinecones I am four months down the line after leaving my H of 24 years. I was expecting disapproval and criticism and have been astonished by the kindness and understanding everybody has shown me.

Most people understand that these decisions are not taken lightly and the reasons are not obvious to the outside world. The main reaction from his family has been sadness.

OP you don't have to justify how you feel. Just do it cleanly and kindly and let him find someone who will appreciate him more than you do!

Hammerlikedaisies · 04/01/2011 14:11

Agree with LyingWitch. What a great name!

cumbria81 · 04/01/2011 15:23

I was in your boat in May last year, although we weren't married.

I decided to end it.

I moved out.

I have never regretted anything more in my life. I wish, WISH so much that I had tried to work things out with him, talked to him about what I didn't like in our relationship and at least given him/us a chance.

Don't be too hasty, is all I'm saying.

longweight · 04/01/2011 15:36

Hope you're feeling ok.

I knew I had to end things with my dh for many reasons but still didn't want to hurt him. When I told my family they shocked me to the core by laughing openly at me not wanting him hurt since he'd hurt me in more ways imaginable.

Really sometimes just be honest, dont be led into saying things that you don't mean and do whatever it is that you need to do to move on yourself.

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