Another (lengthy) Mother-in-Law whinge

[Oakmaiden]

A regularly occurring theme, this, I know - but here goes.

I have quite a distant relationship with my mother-in-law, which to be honest suits me fine. She isn't very fond of me, I don't much like her, we are polite to one another (well, I'm polite to her - she is often rude to me, but I put it down to ignorance rather than intentional slights). My husband isn't particualrly close to her either, so we don't have conflicts over that either. Sadly both of his brothers have emigrated, so we are actually the only family she has now in this country, which puts a certain pressure on us to visit and stuff.

Anyway, she is in the habit of having ds over for the afternoon every week or 2. I have reluctantly acceeded to this so far (although she will NEVER have him at our convenience - only when she wants him) because I know that she adores him more than anything else in her (admittedly rather empty) life, and because ds in return adores her. However much she gets up my nose, I think it is important for him to have this relationship with her.

The problem starts when she ignores every rule I have, and that I have asked her to keep. She feeds him food that I don't want him to have (I am quite strict about aspartame and certain other additives), and indeed he visited her today and she said that he ate so many cakes, ice creams and sweets this afternoon that he wouldn't est any of his tea when she gave it to him. I mean really - there is NO way she would have let dh do that as a child!
She also smokes when she has him - despite me asking her not to - although in fairness my son tells me that she now goes through into the kitchen to smoke (although there is no door between the kitchen and the lounge) or does it outside. I still feel that really she should not do it at all for the few hours he is there.
But the real problem - and the reason I am sharing this - is because of her health. He is a type 2 diabetic, who refuses to control her diet sufficiently. Over the past couple of months my husband has been called twice by very concerned friends and neighbours who have thought that she was on the verge of dying - they had been out with her, and basically she had had a hypo (or whatever - a bit uncertain on the termiology here) and become disoriented and incoherent. Both occasions it turned out that it was down to her not eating properly and letting her diabetes out of control. After the second occasion my husband and I spoke to her about it, and told her that whilst we didn't want to stop her spending time with ds, we were concerned about what would happen if she became ill in this way whilst she was caring for him, and basically said that he could still go and visit her as long as they remained in her flat or in the building (it is warden controlled, and so easy to summon help). But we asked her not to take him out - even to the park - unless she asked dh or I to stay and accompany them. I felt really mean saying this - but to be honest there is no way ds could cope if she was ill - it would upset him unduly, and put him in danger, as he has Asperger and ADHD and NEEDS to be watched carefully.

So what did my husband discover today, when he collected ds? She had taken him to the park - and not even the nearby park, but one quite a long walk form her home and right on the seafront. We are both really cross with her, and I no longer trust her to look after ds and to keep him safe, not to mention the fact that she has yet again ignored me.

Do you think it would be unreasonable of me, at this stage, to say that ds can no longer visit her unaccompanied? I feel awful about it, because as I have said she has quite a lonely life, and ds seems to be her raison d'etre sometimes, but there is no way I am going to risk him just to keep her happy. And ds is going to be desolate too. We will have to make an effort to have her over here more often, and to take ds to visit (but to be honest I can only do so much - afraid she sets my teeth on edge). Am i overreacting?

How old is Ds?

Is there any medical reason for him to watch his diet?

He is 5.

As for medical reasons for watching his diet - well, yes and no. Aspartme (ignoring the ordinary safety issues) has been implicated in worsening ADHD and Asperger behaviours. We are intending to implement a gluten, casein and MSG free diet after Christmas (because we have a baby due it won't be until then - to difficult for ds to cope with at the moment!) which are also thought to be aggravants in autistic disorders. So whilst aspartame won't kill him, or even make him abnormally ill, it isn't good for him and I have good reasons for wanting to him to avoid it.

Although to be honest at this stage in time I wouldn't stop her having him over that - she has been doing it for years, and I have been asking her not to for just as long. I just offered it as an example of her refusing to keep to rules I have for ds because she knows better.

No I don't think you're overreacting, Oakmaiden. Your priority should always be your ds, and it sounds as if the problems you describe could be putting him at risk.

Also, it might be the short sharp shock she needs to get her life in order and realise how she is affecting others?

That said, it's not going to be easy to put your foot down at all, and I don't envy your position.

Oakmaiden - as you know ds1 is gf (and pretty much cf) and I do not let him near aspartame. I would be furious if someone knowingly gave him aspartame as I would be living with the consequences for the next day. (I accpet accidents happen- but this sounds knowing).

And yes I would be concerned. I would be very concerned about ds1 being out in such a situation and he is quite passive- certainly not ADHD. But he still has no road sense at all- I would imagine with ADHD it could be even more dangerous. Difficult as it is, and mean as it sounds I would only let her see ds when you are present.

I do know of a young autistic girl who drowned because of inadequate supervision (not from parents- at school)- and when I think I'm being over-protective I remind myself of her. As you said our children do need constant watching and they have absolutely no common sense. So I would go with your instincts. Tricky one though.

I dont think you are overreacting either. Look at it this way? if you had put him with a paid carer ( baby sitter/playgroup minder etc ) who did the same, would you be completely justified in never using that carer again? So why should you put your son at more risk just because there is a blood connection. Children should be safer with family, not more at risk so you are perfectly justified in protecting your child.
Lots of support and encouragement..... good luck

Another thought Oakmaiden. Although it might not matter that much as the moment that she gives him cakes aspartame etc when he visits - when you go gfcf after xmas- it would matter greatly! As you know there would be no point even trying to implement the diet if he was being given loads of gluten and casein every time he saw her. if she's refused to take the diet stuff on board at all (and lets face it avoiding aspartame is a lot easier than avoiding glute and casein) it sounds like even if you didn't ban her from having him now you may well have to when you start the diet anyway.

Do you have a lot of rules for her to keep? You say 'The problem starts when she ignores every rule I have'?

It sounds as though she is trying with the smoking. The cakes and ice-creams thing - I wouldn't be worried if it was my mum as I would know they were home-made and would contain only 'real' sugars and fats - not hydrogenated fats or artificial sweeteners. Plus I think grandparents should spoil grandchildren.

And I can totally see your point over the going out but what is the likelihood of her having a hypo? DD has 'funny turns' which last about a minute and happen 2-3 times a month - should I stop her climbing trees etc because she might have a funny turn in a high place one day? (average chance say 1 in 14,000 based on 3 x per month, when a month is around 43000 minutes).

I think the real point I'm trying to make is: are there so many rules that she's finding it hard to take them all in? Have you explained to her exactly why you have these rules about his diet, why she can't take him out? Are there some rules you could relax for the moment? Could you suggest alternative treats for the time she spends with him e.g instead of buying cakes, she buys him a small toy or spends time painting or something else you don't have time to do?

Oakmaiden ... I don't think you are over reacting at all. I really sympathise with you. I have a Step Mother in Law from hell who drinks a lot and smacks her own grandchildren and so for the last 16 months that we have lived near her I have never let her look after DS. About a months ago, after months of badgering and badgering from her we agreed to take DS there to go to sleep at her house and then DH and I would go out for dinner (our wedding anniversary) and she would babysit. My DS hates her and was distraught when he found out that we were going out. I had to sit next to his bed and hold his hand until he went to sleep (he usually is very good with baby sitters). Anyway, she told me that she NEVER drinks when she looks after her grandchildren and DH persuaded me to give her a chance. Well, when we got back 2 hours later ... having had a nice meal but I was tense and kept looking at my watch ... she was absolutely plastered. I was livid and gutted and to be honest I could happily have pushed her out of the window! My DH didn't seem that bothered as his dad was there and he wasn't drunk but that was not the point ... she promised and there is no way FIL would deal with DS if he woke up anyway.
DH and I had an enormous almighty row about it and I haven't spoken to her since and refuse to see her. I will not put my son at risk for the sake of the stupid pretend game of 'happy families' that she insists on playing.
I didn't post about it on mumsnet at the time because I was so upset I cried for 4 days wanting to get the next flight back to the UK to be near my own parents.
Anyway ... you are not over reacting ... if your DH agrees with you then I think you should sit her down and tell her how it is ... easier said than done, I know but if you are brave enough then go for it!

One thing about going gfcf. My mother has always liked feeding the boys c*. So when we did go gf I gave her a pile of biscuits and stuff that they could eat. She buys them now, but if she buys anything new always shows it to me first. Do you think your MIL would do this?

The trouble is if she has the attitide of "oh one little cake won;t do any harm" then you really are not going to be able to see her after going gfcf unless she does start to follow the diet stuff. My Mum was very sceptical about the diet stuff to begin with "ohh poor ds1, not being allowed to eat biscuits/cheerios/milk chocolate" or whatever, but having the big change in him (we were living in London at the time and they visited about a week after starting the diet- and were stunned) she now won't let him have anything he isn't allowed. She's almost rotweillerish about it. She's also seen him after diet infringements though so she knows the nasty effect they have on him. However if your MIL is unable to make the simple link between type 2 diabetes and health, its not that hopeful she will understand the diet when you do implement it. And even if you do manage to substitute the gluten and casein she'll stuill have to take on board that he can't have gelatine and stuff and that's in every sweet in the land.

Oakmaiden as for the diet, could you not provide a treat bag filled with appropriate food and drink for ds to take to his nans. That way you can control what he eats.

As you say she seems like a caring nan and she adores her grandchild.Yes she does ignore your rules and you have every right as a mother to ask her to comply with your wishes. I would not get into a row about it or stop her having him over for a few hours.IMO I think she is a bit naive to your ds's problems and these need explaining to her again.Point out to her that if she cant comply with your wishes ie going out of the house you will have to stop him calling around because this and that might happen and give her the scenarios.Also that there will be no more second chances.If she loves her grandchild that much which I think she does she would not risk losing spending quality time with him.

SueW - it is not that I send him over with a list of rules to be kept to - in fact I can't think of any other issue I have voiced to her as affecting the way I expect her to treat ds whilst he is in her care at her home. The please don't feed him x,y or z and don't smoke whilst you have him have existed since he was very small - I only discovered she does these things since ds has been old enough to tell me about them. And it is crap she feed him - I wouldn't mind the odd ice cream, and he has homemade cakes and stuff at home, but it is always the highly coloured and flavoured rubbish. And lots of it! So then my requests were reiterated, but as I say according to ds she does it anyway. As jimjams says it will be more of an issue than ever when we go gluten etc free, but the goody bag is a good idea - don't know why I didn't think of it!
The not taking him out is fairly new - because she HAS had several funny turns recently where people who have been with her have ben very concerned about her and havefelt it necessary to call my husband to get him to come at once to be with her. No it is NOT very likely to happen, but it is a risk that I am not very happy to take, bearing in mind the danger my ds constantly puts himself into when unsupervised (some of you may have read my "No common sense - really frightens me" thread for one example!). i know that she refuses to stick to her diet, which is the cause of the problem, and she doesn't really understand it I think. She refuses to eat stuff like fried bacon or cauliflower cheese "because of her diabetes" and yet has a drawer in her bedroom stuffed full of chocolate and biscuits "because I would die if I couldn't eat them".

The other "rules" she ignores really just illustrate her lack of respect for me as ds's mother, because it is when we take her out with us on a family trip, or she visits our home, and I say to ds that he can't do or have something, and she overrides me and lets him have his own way. Which drives me nuts. Sometimes its silly stuff but it is the principal - I am his mother - I am caring for him - I say what goes, NOT her. We never ASK her to look after ds, although she does ask to have him visit her often. So to be honest from a personal sense I don't care if he doesn't go there - I like to have him around, and it isn't at my convenience that he visits. But from his and her point of view, i really don't want to be mean, and it is so difficult to balance the "right" thing to do.

Oakmaiden, I think you are right. I had a long relationship with someone who was a "brittle" diabetic. He was the loveliest bloke imaginable most of the time, but became aggressive and completely unaware of danger when he had a hypo. I was a grown-up, knew what was happening, knew I had to get something sugary into him fast, and it was still scary. The thought of someone in that condition being in charge of any child in that state, let alone one with ADHD and Asperger's, is just terrifying. When you add to that the whole thing about diet it's just not on (as jimjams said, if she can't understand or take responsibility for her own diet when she's diabetic, there's not really much hope). You have tried hard by the sounds of it, the idea of her staying in her flat with him was a reasonable compromise, but going a long way to a distant park in that situation is dangerous.
I should add that I'm not a scaremonger type of person, I would normally react with a kind of "of I'm sure it will be alright" attitude, but you stick to your guns, it's important.

Blimey, she does sounds like a nightmare. I agree with everyone else Oakmaiden, I'd put my foot down too. One difference though: I'd make DH do it. Definitely. She's HIS mother, your ds is HIS child too and why should you be the big bad wolf in this scenario? Presumably he agrees with you and is worried too? I think if she wasn't diabetic and he wasn't ADHD/Aspergers then I'd probably overlook the odd bit of junk food but in your case her going into a hypo could be life-threatening for her and disastrous for your son (especially if she's taking him out)and the odd bit of aspartame etc really does have an effect - as Jimjams says, you're the one dealing with the effects the next day. She sounds a bit thick tbh, not to mention in denial about her problems. I think I'd worry about the smoking less, just because she does seem to be making an effort and the odd afternoon probaby isn't going to do your ds that much harm. (Not saying passive smoking isn't dangerous btw, just that we're talking about a small risk here. Let us know what happens.