Marriage-feeling low&confused-normal??

[Normal2feelthisway]

My DH and i have 3children 4,2 and 10mth.

I feel up and down but have recently had more down thoughts.

Such as i dont feel i am in love with my dh anymore im not attratched to me and often feel resentment towards him.

I would describe him as a moderm man he pulls his weight..cooks cleans etc etc and does help with the children alot, but often i feel annoyed like he get to pick the good bits while i forever worry about decent meals, balanceing my dd1's homework with attention for dd2 and then taking care of ds 10mth! Not to mention getting up in the night ds doesnt sleep through and i am breastfeeding so dh cant help with that, but that doesnt mean he cant go to my dds when they are having an awful patch of nightmares meaning i can be up and down alot some nights.

To be fair alot he doesnt hear/wake up..but im sure thats because he drinks a couple of wines each night to make sure he doesnt wake up!!

It really annoys me at time..like today! And can drive me insane as he is always complaining of how tired he is..often using it as an excuse for being grumpy!!

But then i can go from feeling complete rage towards im to quite happy too - im so confused i really decided a while ago i wanted to make the most of things and be as happy as can be as i was from i split family and i will do everything in my power to prevent the same for my children.

Liek i say he really helps alot in some ways, but if i mention anything he gets so moody and says he does loads blah blah.

I ahte how he can say im just popping out for a bit but i never get any me time!

And i partly hate that he seems a bit dull and not up for intelligent conversation and would rather sit watching shit tv!

But things could be worse he does look after us all and trys but i feel i could have chosen much better...i sound awful i know i should appreciate my stable life dh and 3 healthy children.

I half hope my changes in mood are down to hormones??

People with long marriage experiences - is this normal??

'not attracted to him'

Three children is a lot of work. Made much harder if you let him pick all the nicest bits. Perhaps you need to make a list of what needs to be done, roughly how long each job takes and start from there.

a 10 month old baby is still early days, in that first 18 month period of having a baby i could go from loving my husband and my heart melting when i saw him cradling our son , to hating his damn guts as he just walked out of the door to do a few errands and came back 3 hours later after having popped into a friends house for a beer and a natter, and i expect i will get shot down in flames here but most men i know never did their fair share of night time comforting to babies its mostly always falls to the mother, my H would do any of the day time stuff but would never voluntarily get up at night without me keeping on, but then he was working 60 hours a week at the time so i never pushed it too much, IMO it could still be hormones and exhaustion clouding your view.

Be upfront and assertive, this is much easier for men to deal with than quiet resentment. They are not mind-readers. Be as specific as you can. Say "I'm going out at 10 am on Saturday, and will be back at 1pm" (or whatever) and just do it.

Book yourself onto an evening class so you can get your fill of intelligent conversation.
He's probably had enough intelligent conversation during the day out there in the wide world, but you haven't.

Or resentment can build up into something huge.

Maybe wean the little one too.

Good luck - don't let it fester.

I do tell him and try to do it in a nice way too..but he just takes it really personally and says that i just pick on everything and nothing is good enough, this isnt true btw i do appreciate what he does and tell him aswell (prob not enough) ive admitted this to him too but also tried to explain then when i start a discussion its to try to talk about problems i have etc but he says im just negative.

He also says i can go out whenever i want but when i suggest it he often rolls his eyes and says,'what am i going to do?'

He is getting better as it has come up a few times now.

It may not help that he has had a long stretch off work and goes back 2mo..sometimes its a strain when you have a routine going and it can all go to pot as he has been around so much!

I have to say i have found having 3under4 (at the beginning anyway!) tough..the guilt of feeling wach child is never getting enough mummy time! and not seeming to cope with the house and cooking aswell etc

So DH can for example take the two eldest out for a few hours to enable me to get things done, which i great in some ways and does help..but i also end up feeling that he has enjoyed time with them while i am cooking/cleaning.

I really try to not let it build for long hench today i told him how i was feeling but he took it badly in the end and hasnt spoken since ..i feel like its a loop and predictable..2nite we will prob make up agree to try harder then give it a few weeks and we will prob have the same discussion again.

susiedaisy you decribe it so well..i often feel complete rage towards DH if he goes out one because im annoyed he is getting out again!(at the start i couldnt anyway as i couldnt leave ds as -im a controlfreak- i was BF frequently!) Now for instance he often nips to the village pub on a sunday afternoon..always saying he will only be an hr and never is! I find myself watching the clock getting so mad! Then i really try to tell myself its not worth getting annoyed let it go but sometimes i just cant and end up having it out with him about why he can neverbe back when he says!

Sorry for the major rant

'each child'

Yes it's normal. You ain't gonna get perfection in a marriage. In my very honest opinion even rage and resentment is normal in a long term marriage. I adore my dh, really adore him and am 100% committed to him and our marriage, but I have these feelings too sometimes! I certainly did when the dc were very young and money was tight. Now they are older and we are comfortablly off are so much more stable and happy.

Please don't jack it in without really exploring your feelings, whether you have some sort of PND (if not that, just absolute exhaustion because of your lovely handful of kids!) and having counselling.

The grass is certainly not always greener and you have your children to think about.

def not ready to jack it in yet but it help to know others go through it too, if that makes any sense!

Think i struggle too as i adore my children and always strive to be the 'perfect mummy' my mum says i put too much pressure on myself.

I think when i just had dd1 i did everything and was happy too (most of the time, odd bad days) So we kind of fell into that pattern it wasnt good for me or dd as i never left her or had a break and she never accepted bedtime stories etc from anyone else.

After a while i talked to dh and we decided to make sure she did thing with him too, you know, day to day stuff bath bed etc for her sake aswell. Then obviously as time as gone on and more gorgoeus LOs have arrived i have still tried to do as much as i possibly can as i want them to have a good routine, healthy home made food quality mummy time etc etc..and there just doesnt seem enough hours/energy in the day i always feel a step behind then end up getting pissed off when Dh decideds hes off out or going on a stag weekend etc. I know he needs his life but i adore my children but sometime wish i could just say on the spare of the momnet (if dh is off) im just nipping out to do some shopping etc..without having to book it in with him!

I did speak with the dr re PND a while ago when i was up and down..but it was summer hols and i felt suddenly alot better once sept came along..my dr felt i just had alot on with 3 young children and school hols etc s all 3 at home.

bump..any other opinions/experiences lol

i could have written this post- word for word. i also have 3 under 4, money is pretty tight, house is in severe need of work, and dh is really good with the kids but sometimes it just doesn't seem l;ike enough and at other times i think he is the most fab dh in the world. my moods can be pretty up and down with him. glad to hear others have experienced the same and it's probably hormones

OP - I do think the resentment can be a very normal response to the demands of young children. My Dh does not just "nip out". He did pretty much all the night waking after 4 months. He does plenty of housework. Still, I have found myself seething with unfounded resentment when he's spent too long in the loo (even if I shut myself in the kitchen with a book while making the tea half an hour earlier).

I don't mean to make light of your situation - I think there's plenty you should try to change in your family dynamics. Our society expects and assumes a great deal of women in respect to child care that it does not expect or assume of men and does not provide significant support. So it's not surprising you balk at those demands. Still if the resentment and rage wasn't there before DC3 I don't think you have to consider it something permanent that can't change.

If you've tried talking about how you feel and he doesn't seem to "get" your point of view, I think you probably need to try a little action. Try living the life you want, at least in the sense of being more "free" in the way he seems to be.

Have you considered swapping roles a little? Next time he says he's just nipping out to the pub for an hour could you say "Oh hang on. Could you wait while I nip out to [some quick errand]?" then go off and don't come back for a couple of hours. Or if that feels a bit too manipulative, tell him you're off out to see a friend before he suggests he is going to the pub. Don't "book it in advance". Assume in the same way he does. If he protests tell him it's no different to when he goes to the pub. Then go. See how it works out. And talk about it after. Don't do it in a "ha I'm teaching you a lesson" sort of way. But in a "Hmm. So this is how he feels" sort of way. And when you talk about it let him know what you enjoyed about it (I'm assuming you will).

The idea being to make the conversation more about how to enable a good life for both of you rather than making the focus all about responsibilities.

I think almostgrown up gives some good practical advice.

Your DH doesn't sound unreasonable - you say he does his share of stuff at home and with the kids, but you still feel resentful and that he's cherry picking the good bits. I would suggest looking at ways that you can get out and make your life more interesting (evening class is a great idea - and means your DH has to do the bedtime routine).

If you are home all day, and your DH is out at work, one of the downsides is that he comes home having had adult company, some mental stimulation etc so doubtless does want to just veg in front of the telly. You on the other hand, have been with young children, in a fairly relentless routine, and you want stimulating conversation! I found exactly the same thing when I was on maternity leave, and used to look to my DH to provide the adult conversation when he walked in, which was an unfair pressure on him. This didn't last too long as I was returning to work. I don't know whether you're a SAHM but if so, you need to find other outlets for yourself.

What you describe sounds well within the range of 'normal' (ie I don't think your DH is being unreasonable, or your relationship is bad) but it would help you both if you can take steps to stop the resentment building. It also sounds as though you're quite a perfectionist, worrying about home cooked meals, homwork etc, remember, life is about fun too, and your children won't thank you if their memories are of a stressed and anxious mother.

I would also add that you might be in need of some serious 'you' time. Can you book some time with a friend for drinks/spa? You can't change his behaviour, you can only explain the effect it has on you. But you can change your own and like the others have said, live the life you want to lead. Don't let your own expectations of yourself and what a 'perfect' mother should look like, keep you from having a life. Your kids will prefer a little less time with you if the time they do have is with a happier, more peaceful mum.

I think he sounds relatively normal, except for the 'nipping out' for an hour which turns out to be much longer. That would drive me to distraction!

We had a long talk last night and i explained my resentments but also pointed out that i know he does alot and i am grateful but i think and explained that i go through phases of really finding it hard that its not always easy to just be me and not just be mummy!

I am a SAHM and i really appreciate being able to be (although it makes things a bit tight) and love it most of the time..but like some of you have said it can get boring and feel relentless at times. Plus i hate not having my independence esp financially but i want to appreciate this time and look forward to earning myself again.

I def can be a perfectionist and im really trying to work on that..i remember when i was preg with dc3 and i started a thread about tips coping with 3under4 and got many responses saying, 'lower your standards'..refering to the house meals etc..but it still gets to me at times.

I agree that i am def in serious need of some me time, i do meet up with girlfriends some evenings for takeaways etc but i used to go on a overnight spa trip a couple of times a yr (BLISS) Which was DHs idea! But since ds arrived i havent been able to do alot due to BF and him not settling into a consistant routine until very recently. DH has also suggesting moving to bottles previously but i know deep down i would regret it as i love feeding him..unfortuantely he wont take a bottle, but is feeding alot less in the day now.

Dh said after talking he can see how i would find it hard hearing him complaining of being tired after i have had broken sleep for so long and agreed that he cant feed ds but should prob get up with the girls sometimes if he hears them.

He also said he really doesnt mind if i go out fro coffee or to get something done etc..time will tell as now we have really talked it through i intend to make sure i do ...as often it is so much easier to nip to a shop etc child free and takes half the time and a coffee and a book owuld be bliss.

I think this down moment was speared on by a few factors

1 - Waking up after a sleepless night with the children and a dh next to me blissfully snoring from10-630 and then rolling over to say to me, 'can you get the children up im knackered...RAGE!

2 - Me saying i could do with going to exchange some gifts that dont fit..without the children for easiness and quickness before he returns to work (today) his response was rolled eyes! RAGE - to me this was something i didnt really take pleasure in doing, i wasnt going to enjoy it, but still felt like i was being unreasonable..i would have been out a while as we live 40min aways BUT it never happens so what the deal!

3 - These feeling seem to be forming a pattern... my periods returned two months ago and we have had a similar argument the day or so before each one (i didnt know at the time) Its been a good few weeks so im wondering if another is approaching and dare i say it...maybe i have PMT! Not that i will let dh in on that although in some ways i would be relieved to have a reason.

OMG...sorry major waffle/rant