Does anyone plan to 'Check Out'?

[2011willrock]

I have posted on here twice before having a whinge about my relationship with my DP.
Namechange mostly for variety

Things haven't really changed and not sure they will.
We have a rollar coaster relationship, some days good, others not so good but at the moment I can't see wanting to live the rest of my life like this.

The more I think about this the more I've come to realise is that he wants a 'part-time family'. He still does what he wants when he wants, although he thinks I am the one controlling his time.
He works six days a week - we don't see him between 7.30am - and well after midnight.
His one non-work day, Sunday is spent all morning doing sport. EVERY sunday without fail and without asking me (I don't get half a day every week to do my own thing!) and before the MN police come on, he does he sport other times during the week, but also does the Sunday morning activity with his friends. Friends who he meets regularly during the week for sport and also coffees.
My DP spends all of his spare time in coffee shops, sometimes alone and working and other times will meet up with friends. He has the chance to see his DC's during the day but never does this.

We have two young DC's. I've also come to realise that he doesn't really spend quality time with our DC's. When he has them for a few hours on his own (usually when I have gone into work) they don't do any fun activities - unless I am guiding them to a swimming pool or park. He would take them to a coffee shop or shopping centre, something not child friendly. Or if at home, the TV is always one. I've never seen him sit and play a game or read a story (other than occasional bedtime). I am the one who gets up to them during the night, mornings etc. Organises/prepares/dresses them. Packs bags when we do a day trip or just going out the door. Typically, I shower quickly and while he is in the shower, get the dc's dressed and packed up, myself dressed. Wouldn't it be nice to get his help?

He has never told me he loves me. He is uncomfortable with me saying it.
We have barely any sex life (mostly as he is barely home and also because I feel so neglected)
Barely kiss or cuddle, hardly get a good morning or good night

I feel I could leave this relationship but I wonder about the implications, maybe I should start planning or at least be better prepared.

We have been together for nearly 10 years.
We are not married - his choice.

We have two UK properties (joint names) and two properties in the southern hemisphere (where we are both from). We are asset rich but very high mortgages. So a finacial split would be pretty disastrous and both wouldn't come out too far ahead, not enough to be able to buy a home each.

I would in all honestly move out of the UK if we split - all his & mine family are OS. Wonder if I could even take the boys out of the country without his permission?
I know with the finances at the moment that I wouldn't be able to afford a home in the area where my family live? should I wait and in a few years when things are better financially make the break? (is that really awful and deceitful the be thinking like that?) I could move into one of our homes but this is about 8 hours from my family and friends, so I would be starting again in a new country with no suppport network.

I have been working part time since the DC came along, recently gave up to help in family business but soon will be full-time mum . I would have to go back to work but if that's a sacrifice I have to make then so be it.

RANT RANT RANT

I now know why Jan is boom in divorce, Christmas & New Year you really can be pushed to evaluate your life!!

You're right about the post-holiday season.

From your post, you already are a single mother and your relationship isn't adding anything to either of your lives. It sounds like the kind of thing you could bumble along with for decades - only to think, once the kids have left home, "Where's my life gone? And who is this guy in my kitchen?" It's a grim picture.

The house business has got to be a red herring, though. If you can afford four houses, you can afford two. Plus, the non-resident parent would only need a smaller place. That makes me think there is more to your relationship than you've said, but you're having trouble sorting out your priorities.

The best way to clarify your thoughts is, as you've said, to do your homework regarding finances and the law. Then your "What if?"s will have a basis in fact. Afaik, you can't take your kids to live in another country without your (ex)partner's agreement. There's no saying he wouldn't give it, though, especially as it's his home country too.

Does he know you're this lonely and pissed off?

As you are not married, I think it is a case of you both 'leaving what you came with' unless, of course, you have things which are in owned jointly (and can PROVE it).
Obviously child support must be provided regardless of marital status.
But being unmarried simplifies things for you as all you have to do is divvy up joint assets (not easy in your case) and leave.

Agree with ItsGraceAgain.

In fact on reading your post, I can't see why you ever decided to set up home with, never mind have children with, this man. It sounds like a total non relationship. So from that point of view, I can't see what you're giving up.

I also think the house issue is a red herring. You can afford two smaller houses, if you currently have four between you. You may need to return to full time work to service your mortgage, but that's life - and surely is a small price to pay to actually regain your self worth.

It just seems a complete non relationship. Usually I would suggest counselling is worth a go, but there seems nothing to build on here.

I guess i just wish I was financed enough to be able to set up home in my home country and not have a huge mortgage to worry about. Property prices are through the roof in the area where my family live!

I would say in terms of houses in the UK, one is flat and we have only had for 18 months, so after paying off the mortgage not much left over. The other is also the business and could never be sold, we've both worked too hard over the past few years in it to give it up and it's only now becoming more successful (if we can get the bloody overheads down!). Selling this building would sell my DP livelihood and it's not an option to sell the business. Although it does have a granny flat and could become his 'home'

Houses in home country are not worth a lot of money and selling them would not generate a lot of money. But still it would be better than nothing.

Yes i am focused on assets and houses but that's me just being a 'planner'. As I said our relationship is a roller coaster, and dips when I've had enough and rant and rave and goes up when it's easier to grin and bare it. I know I'm no angel and could put more effort it but when it's not appreciated or noticed then it's hard.

Am I wrong in thinking you could move back to one of the houses abroad, maybe selling the other & renting out the UK flat? Or are you essential to the business?

Doesn't really matter if you're an angel or not when it comes to money. You're splitting but not getting divorced (as not married). Your behaviour is irrelevant; all that matters is what can be PROVED is yours, what is HIS and what is jointly-owned.
Are you sure everything is jointly owned on paper/legally? If not (and you may already know this so no please don't be annoyed), make sure it is, because being somebody's partner (not spouse) means nothing from a legal viewpoint.

As marantha says, money's got nothing to do with feelings. Check your mortgage & property deeds with a solicitor (or a legal website) - the wording is crucial to how 'jointly' to you own them, and how 'equally' responsible you are for repayments.

Yes, we do have joint loans for everything. So from that point of view it's ok.
It is a bit scary the 'partner' as opposed to spouse legal side of things, back home a partner has far more rights. I'm not worried about that.

I'm not an asset to the business as we have now employed someone to take over my job - back of house/office stuff. I will still contribute with marketing/web etc but won't be face to face contact anymore. Much better for the business and for us, as I know I didn't get everything done all the time (too much time on MN )

No, the partner/spouse thing really only affects couples who move in together on a sea of love, forgetting about the paperwork. If you have structured everything as a business, the rules you've put in place will continue to apply :)

Cheers for the reminder about what I shouldn't be doing right now! MN

Oh, if you're at all worried about his possible reaction, you can register a right of abode (though it may have changed its name lately) at your main house. Ring up the Land Registry, they're ever so helpful.

It's matrimonial homes rights. You can search and download the forms online and it costs £45 to lodge them with LR.

I have a similar relationship which I am hoping to move on from as soon as I can sort the practicalities and legal issues. Best of luck!

Why couldn't you live in one of the houses in your home country?

We all would like to live without massive mortgages hanging over our heads, but in your situation I would just be glad to be losing a dead weight of a H.

Matrimonial homes rights only apply to the married. The word 'matrimony' is concerned with marriage.
I know people mean well, but in the UK, being someone's partner has no meaning legally, I do not think that it is possible to stay in somebody's house under 'matrimonial home rights' if not married.
Maybe there are other ways you can stay- I should imagine if jointly-owned you can stay anyway!
My point is this: matrimonial homes rights do not apply to unmarried.
I sensed you were an Aussie (correct if wrong) and am aware that partners have certain rights down under, so I thought it may be of use to point out that, legally, partners are just people who share a house over here (UK).

Obviously, if everything is jointly-owned (which it is) and properly laid out legally, you shall have no issue. It will just be two people who took things out jointly and things divided up equally.
Like I said earlier, things should be easier for you in a way as all you have to do is divide up jointly owned things and arrange child provision. Not easy, though!