Sexual freedom

[Notsure2]

Name changer: Not sure if this the right place on mumsnet for this question but could do with some advice.

Have been together with dh for 10 years (married for 5 years), have 1 dc. We were both quite open-minded sexually when we met and had a good sex life (before ds was born) - went to a few sex clubs & both enjoyed them.

Dh has always been more adventurous than me so it was him suggesting that we go the clubs - and I went to the clubs because I was curious & thought it would be fun. It was a lot of fun sometimes - especially where we did things together - but there were a few situations that I didn't like. Mainly where I felt jealous & that dh preferred someone else to me. I don't think we discussed enough what made us comfortable and stay together as "us" & I don't think that dh was careful enough in respecting our relationship - or maybe he just got carried away. Anyway we stopped going & then ds came along & this suited me fine (but not dh) - but since then our sex life has dwindled to nothing very much.

We had a crisis over Xmas - discussing splitting up as the last few years have been really rocky. Dh says for him it is mainly due to our non-existent sex life and that he wants more "sexual freedom in our relationship" (not an open relationship but finding other couples who think similarly). But I think I lost my trust in him & I don't know if that lifestyle is for me.

There are other things that don't work in our relationship around trusting each other & control & the amount of freedom we should have. So we are going to couples therapy, with someone who specialises in sex therapy to see if we can work what is going wrong & what to do.

I think its good that at least Dh is being upfront about what he wants, rather than being so grumpy and miserable all the time - just not sure that it is the kind of relationship that I want.

My question is: are there others who do have more sexual freedom in their relationships, where this really works for them & adds to their relationship and (important) they keep within the limits of what makes it work for them?

Or, as I am feeling now, is this necessarily always a bad idea that ends in hurt feelings?

As far as I'm concerned, it always ends in tears, I don't have any personal experience, but know people who do, and I've never seen anything positive come from these situations. Maybe you and your DH should look at getting your own sex life back on track, I think serious talks are needed. Good luck.

I think it always depends on how well matched the wants and needs of the individuals within the couple are. If he absolutely needs you to do something you don't want to do in order for him to be happy then ultimately I think the relationship will never work. Couples sex therapy is a good idea, it should help you find out how the land lies. Whilst I always think it is worth giving things a go, there can often be a really fine line between that and being coerced into doing things you really don't want to. I think you should put a lot of thought into it before you decide anything and explore things carefully.

And never do anything that you absolutely don't want to do.

Yes, never.

Possibly the original problem is because you had a more open relationship than you were fundamentally comfortable with in the first place and neither of you communicated about this effectively. It seems fairly clear what he seems to want. You owe it to yourself not to be coerced into something you just don't want or feel comfortable with.

I agree with the advice you have been given. I wonder if you have been pushed outside your comfort zone in the past to please him and now you are thinking of perhaps making the same mistake.

Probably not a good idea.

Thanks for the advice ladies - I can see that I need to do some thinking about what I am comfortable with sexually & make sure I stick to it.

This doesn't feel so easy at the moment but I am not great at working out what I am feeling about most things, so maybe it isn't such a surprise. Hoping that the counsellor will help me (and us) with this.

Just wanted to reply to quietlysuggests: I asked him what was it about being with other people that he liked so much: and he said it wasn't actually that he just wanted to be with other women. A big turn-on for him is that he liked it when he saw me with another man, that I was happy and it made me more desirable for him and that he wanted me to be his again afterwards. And he always wanted to have sex with me after going to a club, like he wanted to win over my affections again.

Also I did actually enjoy the sex clubs - just there were some times where I felt that there was emotion involved on his part and not just sex. That was the bit that I didn't like.

I actually found it ok to separate sex from emotion - I mean I could enjoy sex with someone that I liked but I definitely still loved my dh. Should be worried about myself here? Think this is why I need some impartial advice.

What makes you think you can seperate it but your dh can't?

I'm sure the counsellor will help you with this. It will be tricky if you aren't sure what you feel and aren't really in a place where you want to think about yet. It does sound like an absolute minefield - where the line is about what you don't mind giving in to/trying, what you want, what you don't want and what your DH wants/doesn't want! Surely the counselling will be the best thing to help you work all this out.

Good question daddysgirl - guess its because I don't trust the strength of our relationship. I'm never been a very trusting person in relationships when it comes to emotions. That's why I'm not sure whether its partly me (lack of trust) that's leading to problems in our sex life.

Just to add a different opinion: I know a couple where both husband and wife have partner(s) outside their marriage, but the difference is that that they're both happy about it. The wife has been with her boyfriend for nearly four years, so it can certainly last long-term.

You don't sound like you would be at all happy with him seeing other people (understandably!) so it's probably not right for you.

From your post, it seems like he likes the idea that other men find you desirable, and that he has to work to keep you. Maybe this is the core which can be treated without having to involved sex with others?

Counselling is a good idea, but if he desires the sex clubs and swinging and you most certainly don't, then things aren't going to work out. For this kind of relationship, both partners have to be keen on swinging, otherwise it will always drive a wedge between you.

You should never do anything you don't want to do, and if he can't commit to a monogamous relationship, then you're going to have to decide whether to be miserable or not.