Am a regular but have name changed.
My parents are in late 70's, Dad turns 80 this year. They've never had a happy relationship. I can remember arguments late at night ever since I was a young thing. I remember Mum threatening to leave my father (never intended to do it though), complaining endlessly about things Dad tried to do like organise family holidays etc. She has narcissistic tendencies but on the selfish rather than grandiose side.
Mum has rheumatoid arthritis and complains to others that Dad doesn't do anything around the house which is utterly ridiculous as he does all the housework and everything she asks.
Dad comes from abroad and he has lost two siblings to old age in the past year. He's the only one from his family who lives in his country. There was a family reunion in September and Dad really wanted to go but Mum wouldn't let him, saying that there'd be no-one to look after her. Even when us kids offered to ensure that someone stayed with her the entire time she refused to let him go. My sister and I were planning to buy him a ticket and have me stay with her while he was away. Dad refused. I asked Dad why he didn't put his foot down and he said it would be the end of his marriage. He said he'd love to go but Mum would make his life hell when he got back.
Over the last week Dad has had a small heart attack. He was grocery shopping with Mum, and went to the car as he wasn't feeling well. A family friend happened to see him and went to get Mum. She finished the shopping and came out, drove him to the Dr (although oddly, the family friend thought they were going to the hospital and had phoned my sister who was therefore on her way there to meet them - I think they changed their mind on the way).
Mum said that they were at the doctors so long, and she was tired and needed to go to the toilet, and Dad didn't want to go to the hospital anyway, so they went home. Dad was found unpacking the groceries by my sister who, according to my mother, "barged in and took him off to the hospital". My sister was on the phone to her at some point and apparently she was giggling about the whole thing. She has been getting quite a bit of attention and phone calls from family friends asking how Dad is, which seems to be making her quite happy.
He is still in hospital after 4 days but hopefully coming out tomorrow.
I spoke to Mum this morning and asked how she was coping on her own. She said absolutely fine, better than she thought she would. I asked then about Dad being able to go abroad in several months to visit his family. She flatly refused, saying things like, "what about me? there's more than one person here you know", to which I replied, "He is one person in the relationship and he deserves to have his needs met too". She became a bit nasty and said, "Oh, so it's a need now is it? Well if he goes this time, he'll want to go again and again - there's no end to his need. No, it's not going to happen."
I asked if she had been worried about Dad, she said no.
Dad had a health scare before, and admitted that he's quite prepared to die. He says he's had a hard life and he's happy to go. He has the patience of a saint, never argues back but always tries to be rational with her, which generally doesn't work as she is quite manipulative.
This just makes me so sad for him as it seems he's locked in a prison, and for him, death is a pretty good way out.
Is there anything I can do? I've already suggested sneaking Dad out for a lunch with friends (Mum will only let him have 1 coffee per day, and no fish which he loves, because she doesn't like it. We have to sneak him as Mum would be offended if he went to lunch without her).
I live in a different continent so its super frustrating. I'm now seriously considering the prospect of moving there in a year or so.
What would you do?