DH and I are going to start having sex again after about 20 months without due to a difficult pregnancy, twin babies, contraception decisions etc
This time has been good but has also made me have all kinds of worries about various negative sexual experiences I've had before we married (almost 2 years ago). For the sake of not drip feeding I will outline briefly: I had depression as a teen, drank, took drugs, was homeless, indulged in risky behaviour generally. When I was seventeen I was actually raped in the parental home (which i was treating as a doss house) was drunk, was a workmate I knew well and we had been on a night out. I had kissed him in the club, was very drunk, he had stayed later than the train back home and had nowhere to stay, I felt responsible so offered to let him crash and explained very clearly that did not mean I wanted to have sex with him but he still did, even though I was crying. He was very drunk, it was his fault but it was ten years ago and I do not have bad feelings towards him anymore. Because I was a mess anyway no-one believed me. I told my (recently ex) boyfriend and people at work that day because I just couldn't hold it in, they didn't believe me, they bullied me, said they had seen me kissing him and clearly I was a liar. I didn't tell my parents - we have a bad relationship which was worse then.
I basically carried on being a mess and ended up in a relationship with a man who ended up sexually, financially, emotionally and psychologically abusing me for years. I was a mess anyway and this is probably why I sought this relationship. Anyway this relationship was on and off and in one of the break ups I began another relationship with a friend who also had an alcohol problem but who was much older than me (I was now 18). I was homeless but working so was pretty much giving him consensual (as it could be anyway) sex in return for a roof and alcohol/cigarettes. One night he was really drunk and just took the sex he was used to. Again I know his fault but I was also a fuck up and he is now also forgiven, and we are still friends. Why I am wary of him is because another night he drunkenly pushed me down the stairs. This actually lead to me getting back together with my abusive XP who I felt "rescued" me at the time.
Then there is XP. He had MH problems, more serious than mine (mine are now as resolved as they can be). He has a dx of borderline personality disorder. The relationship with him pretty much ended when his usual coercion, pressure and emotional abuse to get me to provide whatever sexual behaviour he wanted failed and he actually just unequivocally raped me. I didn't end the relationship, he did. I think because it was one step too far for him, he had at least one other g/f and knew he had gone too far. I would have stayed with him forever, we had one DS.
That rape resulted in dd. I wanted her so much and she helped me deal with the end of the relationship and everything that had happened to me. One of the contributing factors to my depression was a hypothyroid which I started being treated for just before XP left and improved my MH.
I have been through a lot. I am actually fine. I feel I understand it all and how it can still sometime affect me now. Now I am very sensible about sex and my body and this combined with the lack of sex for a while has made me think about all of these things again. DH knows DD is the result of XP raping me - it was hard to tell him. He doesn't know anything else. I have alluded to much but find it hard to talk - possibly because talking to my parents (not about any of this, I mean generally as a child when I was worried - have lived out of home periodically since 16 and permanently since 19) had very negative consequences so I find it hard to take that first step and speak to people. I also don't want DH to be hurt and upset or for it to ruin our lovely sexual experiences together but I feel it as a weight just ATM, the pressure of him not knowing I suppose. Advice is welcome!