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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

am going to loose my family.

23 replies

januarysale · 03/01/2011 00:54

have to do the most difficult thing i have ever done.
i am going to ring SS about the abuse of a child in my extended family.

its not going to end well, i know they wont let me be a part of the family again, but this kid comes first.

the SS had better do their job well, as i wont be able to make sure that things are ok.

i love them all, but cant stand by and do nothing.

anyone else ever been in this situation?

OP posts:
KerryMumblesBahHumBug · 03/01/2011 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blinks · 03/01/2011 00:57

kind of been in similar situation and you're absolutely doing the right thing.

scurryfunge · 03/01/2011 00:57

I have reported a family member to the Police and they have found it very difficult. You have to take solace in what you believe to be right.

Weeteeny · 03/01/2011 00:59

No , but for what it's worth you are doing the right thing.

nickschick · 03/01/2011 01:10

They wont know its you.

KerryMumblesBahHumBug · 03/01/2011 01:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colie · 03/01/2011 01:11

I am sure there are many adults and children who wish a family friend/member, neighbour had voiced their concerns to social services.

You are doing what is right. Do your family have to know it was you who reported this to ss? Or do you want them to know? You know you can report it anonymously and or you can ask ss to not give your name to the family.

StuffingGoldBrass · 03/01/2011 01:24

Well the OP may not want to give details as she thinks that giving details may make it obvious to people who know her/the family in question in RL.
The tone of the post suggests it is something fairly serious that SS would act on, though, in which case the OP is doing the right thing.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 03/01/2011 01:27

OP you can call them anonymously. although dependant on what you tell them, the family may still be able to work out who was present at the time of the abuse.

darleneconnor · 03/01/2011 01:29

You know you really shouldn't start a thread with so few details.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 03/01/2011 01:30

why darlene?

LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 03/01/2011 01:45

Well done, I hope it helps. :)

DooinMeCleanin · 03/01/2011 01:48

Is there a way they will know it was you i.e. is it all possible a neighbour/the school/a GP could have spotted the signs the way you have?

Keep schutm and hope for the best.

If you don't report it and it worsens or something terrible happens you will never forgive yourself.

Good on for making the right descion. It can't have been easy. This child will thank you one day.

Weeteeny · 03/01/2011 01:58

If the op truly believes a child is being abused the surely it is the right thing? Don't get where you are coming from KM

blinks · 03/01/2011 02:11

km i'm assuming that the op has enough evidence to warrant it and offering support based on that. i also assumed the op would be looking for advice on the abuse itself if she was uncertain.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/01/2011 09:25

A family that cuts you out for failing to help them cover up cruelty to a child is not one I'd be comfortable being part of tbh. In that sense you've already lost them, because they aren't the family they should be. Any members with decent values will perhaps take a while to work out who's telling the truth, but after they've got over the shock they would surely support you?

slartybartfast · 03/01/2011 09:27

if you know anythign about child protection - then there are certain thigns that cannot be ignored.

QueenofWhatever · 03/01/2011 10:57

I have done the same thing and it is very hard. I called the NSPCC and they were very, very helpful - I would recommend it. In my case, I have had to cut all contact with my family, largely their doing. However, I was not willing to put my DD at risk (from my Dad in my case). I cannot have a relationship with my sister now that she knowingly lets her three kids have contact with him.

It is very hard but it is the best thing to do and ultimately can give you more peace of mind.

blinks · 03/01/2011 12:04

messaged you queenofwhatever... alot of family members of an abuser won't face up to what's happening. it's a very common situation. it takes alot of strength to go against that but it's absolutely the right thing to do.

JuneBugJr · 03/01/2011 12:19

I reported a member of family once for drug use and resulting neglect of their dc. They didn't find out it was me. With SS help they became clean, and kept their family together. Intervention had a postive result.

Years later they are now a 'normal' family. It was the best thing I could have done for them and the dc.

Original poster
januarysale · 08/01/2011 14:00

thank you for your posts.

am hoping that they wont find out that i called, but equally its more than likely that they will.

also, added complication of (thug) abuser in question taking revenge...

we are looking to add some home security alarms to our house.

and will alert the schools, and then have to tell my own children.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 08/01/2011 23:45

I have been a social worker and tm mgr for over 30 years (now retired) It is often the case that people guess who the anonymous referrer is and whilst we never confirm that, they are usually right. You seem to realise this already though.

Not sure what you mean about telling your own children - sounds a bit unwise to me - is this necessary - also which school were you planning to alert - your own child/rens school or the other child. If it is the other child it won't be necessary as SSD will do that if it is serious enough and teachers are invited to case conferences on children at risk of significant harm. Why would you alert your own child/ren's school -are you worried that the abuser could attempt to take revenge on your child/ren. OR is it the same school.

Sorry to ask so many questions but you do need to be ultra careful in these situations and only take action that is necessary.

Original poster
januarysale · 09/01/2011 23:22

thank you.

the abuser may take revenge , not the same school as the child in question. who , hopefully will have some protection now.

may have to inform my own childrens school if things should get heavy...

OP posts:
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