At what age do children start to question who they live with after a split?

[RealName]

As it says in the title really. DD is 2.5, She prefers DH to me. Pretty sure DH would expect me to have custody but if she kicked up a fuss he might change his mind. With that in mind am thinking a split sooner rather than later would be smoother all round and she would be more accepting.

Sorry for abrupt post, but typing furtively to avoid detection!!

I would say it depends on the child. Mine is about 5 and has just started pestering to live with his dad, my four year old doesn't think about it. We have been split since my 5 year old was 8 months so it doesn't have anything to do with when we split.

If you are splitting up then you need to think about what is best for your dd not where she says she wants to live anyway. My DS wants to live with his dad because he gives him sweets whenever he wants and has a wii... His dad has mental health problems and would never cope with full custody. It is better for DS if he stays with me.

So much later than 2.5 would be my reaction....

That's reassuring.

I really hope DH and I can be happy together, (though I have been hoping that for a number of years now!) but am fretting about what would happen if we split. I think that might be partly anxiety about the fact that I am not the favoured parent and I am imagining doom laten worst case scenarios where she rejects me totally. Which is probably silly.

Unfortunately my DH is quite competative (though he pretends it is jokey) and it's clear that with DD he has 'won'. That makes me feel that I have 'lost' even though I am probably her second favourite person in the world.

Yes, don't worry too much. IME children do not generally love one parent more than the other. They have different kinds of relationships with each of their parents but actually love each equally and need both. If what is actually best for dd is to live with h then that is what should happen but it doesnt sound the case here at all. Mostly, if you are both loving and stable parents a shared arrangement of some kind is best.

Curiousnamechange (changed back)

Unless either of you are unfit to parent I expect you would both want to spend time with your DD if your couple relationship broke down.

At 2.5 I would expect it would be best if her routine changed as little as possible in terms of who looks after her, so if one of you spends more time caring for her now I think that would be more important than who she said she preferred. Of course, if she was a teen I would expect her opinions to count more.

Please don't look on parenting as a competition, she needs you both. If you think he is trying to get at you through competing to be Mr Popular doing all the nice stuff then let him do some of the less fun stuff too (caring for her when she is sick etc.)

I read in a book that after 3 children can feel a lot of anger towards the mother after a divorce. Though it didn't reference any research or anything, which was annoying.
Things are often bad between us but then get better. Very up and down.

I'm fighting the urge to say you sound very childish...it's really not that black and white and surely you are both thinking about what is genuinely best for dd not what she might or might not want at the age of two?!

I would concentrate on your dd's well being and on saving or properly exploring the problems in your relationship.

proudnscaryvirginmary If I sound childish then I probably am aware that my fear that DD wouldn't want to live with me is selfish and is something that I wouldn't want to reveal to people in RL.
I think it sounds a bit pathetic, but it is causing me some distress. I suppose the annonimity of mumsnet means I feel I can be open about that.
I've appreciated the replies and of course I have to focus on exploring the problems in my relationship.

IME after 3 children are generally more capable and confident at expressing themselves - this may be related to that. I don't think you sound childish, just worn down and insecure.

You need to work on being secure in your own value as a person and your relationship with dd which is totally separate to dd's relationship with your h whether or not you split up. My children have more fun with XP this says nothing about how much I mean to them and more about the types of people we are. My children have been very angry with me at times and I have always taken it ultimately to mean that a. They were secure enough in their relationship with me to have the feelings they felt, which is good and b. That it was because they were closest to me physically most of the time (they live with me).

Have you had any counselling to help with your feelings? You seem very beaten down.

I haven't had any councelling, though am condsidering it.

I don't know if anyone else is the same, but I write really articulate posts in my head, but when I actually start to type my mind goes blank. I'm much better verbally, but this isn't the sort of thing I'd talk with anyone in real life about.

I was told that the views of the child are not seriously considered until 10-13 years of age

Ha! I feel like that a lot. It is hard to explore your own issues articulately. I think you need to feel better about your relationship with dd as well as deciding whether to leave or not.

Who is currently the primary carer? Who physically looks after her most of the time?

I do, am a SAHM, but DH works from home a lot and spends loads of time with her and is a terrific father.

I have great of fun with DD and if I were a single parent I'm sure I'd classify our relationship as 'very good.' However DH is such a natural with kids, whereas I tend to get bored after 10 mins of reading/drawing/craft activity/leggo/play doh/bouncy balls etc. I'm sure any child would sense this difference and prefer the parent who genuinely enjoys catering to her every whim playing for hours.

She is a fab child and I love her and the thought of her rejecting me if DH and I don't sort things out is terrifying.

I won't go on about the ups and downs of our marriage; he's being great right now and it would feel disloyal(not that I haven't been tempted). Am reading the thread on Relate with interest!

Hvave found the comments regarding mine and DH's relationship with DD being entirely separate things particularly useful.

And also what's been said about ages helps me feel like I don't need to panic just yet.

That's completely normal with SAHM and working parents, my DH was exactly the same and DS is a real Daddy's boy. IMO they always seem to value the parent whose company is a treat. And playing with kids as a novelty is very, very different from it being a compulsory chore.

The law is pretty simple afaik. The status quo is preferred and a SAHP will be the parent most likely to secure residence, unless that parent is in some way grossly inadequate. But she needs a close relationship with her dad, so if you do split obviously as much shared care as reasonably possible/practicable would be good. He wouldn't be at all likely to secure primary residence though, because you're blatantly her primary carer.

Honestly, they don't love you less if they treat you like an old sock. They just assume you'll always be there, come what may. It's a good thing, in a way.

I hope you manage to resolve things in everyone's best interests, especially your DDs. Must be an awful time, and I'm sorry.

Thanks perfectstorm . Like your name .

I don't think I've ever posted anything on mumsnet where I haven't cringed slightly when I've read it back.

I have sometimes posted things I'm happy with.... You just have to keep posting!! Ha ha!

Posted lots of deeply embarrassing things however!

It is very likely that while your dd is growing up at some point she will say things like "mummy you are so mean" "daddy is more fun than you" "I don't like you" etc. Very likely and very normal but you have to see it as a compliment not a sign that you are inadequate. It means you are the one who does the hard work, the one who does the actual parenting and isn't just around for the fun. You are the one who sticks by her for all of the boring things that need doing and loves her enough to do them. Not to belittle your DH at all because it is lovely that he makes an effort to spend time with her after work and I bet the reason you feel he is competitive is because he probably feels jealous of you getting to be more involved with the parenting - lots of men feel really sad to leave their children and go to work. I bet if DH had to take DD into his workplace every single day and try to do all the fun things he does with her at the same time as his work he would feel quite frustrated at being expected to sit for hours on end every day doing jigsaws etc.

As a SAHM parent your relationship with DD is based on quantity and DH's on quality because he doesn't get as much time with her. Little children are both fickle and honest so you need to always think about not what they are saying but why they are saying it!

Also being a SAHP can be relentless and isolating, are you getting enough of a break?