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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone get 'pigeon-holed' by their family?

44 replies

singingcat · 02/01/2011 22:01

I don't know if this is just my family, but they have a real habit pigeon-holing members, and not believing anything they say/do if it is not within the 'definition' which has been given to that person.

E.g. it is generally accepted that:

  • I am not sensitive or caring (I am caring when people really need care, not when they are being melodramatic)
  • I'm not the physical-exercise sort
  • For ages it was that I didn't like children, despite the fact that I am really good with pretty much all the children I meet
  • I am grumpy and not sociable

They aren't all negative. Positive ones are:

  • I am very academic (true, but only very narrowly and not much anymore)
  • I am good at dealing with all problems (fine, but sometimes I need looking after!)
  • I am solely arts-based, not good or interested in maths/science etc (actually fine at maths, thanks)

I really don't think my friends would recognise me from these descriptions! I think they are each derived from one or two events, which all occurred in my childhood and do not fit me anymore. My mother often offers something I have never eaten in my adult life because 'you loved it as a baby'.

It's not really a big trauma or anything, but it's a bit irritating that when I announce I'm going to try x or would like to do y, I get sceptical looks or scoffing.

Grr!

Anyone else's family like this?

OP posts:
compo · 02/01/2011 22:04

Oh yes
they perceive me to be how they knew me when I last lived at home eg age 18
so my sister told me when I was 30 that I would be no good working in a pub as I wasn't sociable despite me working in a customer service role for ten years Hmm

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 02/01/2011 22:08

I remember talking to my kids about this.
I am the "tough practical one" who "doesn't do emotions" and is "no good at art" and "always copes".

My DD2 said she didn't want any labels and would tear them all up. I won't say any more about her except she is lovely, all my DC are!

Seabright · 02/01/2011 22:09

I am worried this mitt happen to my daughter and niece; I fear I can see it starting.

Any tips on nipping it in the bud?

Original poster
singingcat · 02/01/2011 22:11

Nope!

I really think that what I'm doing careerwise, though nice, is down to the fact that I never even considered more sciency subjects at A level/uni. It's not such a big deal, but I do sometimes wish what I did 'meant' something and was practically, instead of artsy and, well, a bit pointless Blush

OP posts:
MakemineaGandT · 02/01/2011 22:12

oh yes - and your description of your "labels" sounds very like the ones my family ascribe to me. I find it very annoying.

Livinginoz · 02/01/2011 22:14

I'm known as "the scatty one" and "the one they worry about" despite the fact that I work as an Executive Assistant and have to be extremely organised, and have managed our move to Australia single-handedly.

DH laughs when he talks with my parents about me, he says he doesn't recognise who they are talking about!

loves2cycle · 02/01/2011 22:23

Oh yes, I have been pigeon holed as the sensible, capable one. The one that looks after other people and now in adulthood, is expected to always drive when other family members might fancy a drink! They all look a bit lost (or suddenley examine their shoes/the floor) if I ask who the driver is going to be when we go for a family Sunday lunch!

JessinAvalon · 02/01/2011 22:26

Yes and it drives me mad. I've had 2 weeks at home with the family over Christmas and the little digs have got me down. My older brother (who lives on the other side of the world) was treating me like his baby sister instead of a grown woman so I had to make a concerted effort to talk to him on an adult-adult basis. It worked in the end and he dropped the patronising big brother act after a few days.

I'm not sure how to tackle the others. I end up having to leave the room a lot and biting my tongue!

mathanxiety · 02/01/2011 22:29

I thought this was a very Irish thing. Sad to see it's not, because it's very annoying.

I was 'the brainy one'

JessinAvalon · 02/01/2011 22:31

I think it's a form of projection. Family and friends can decide quite early on how they will view us and they stick to that. Much easier for them for us to fit into their prescibed category, perhaps as some extension of one of their traits than as a well rounded human being in our right.

If that makes sense!

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 02/01/2011 22:32

Seabright I think what helps is to challenge it every time it pops up.

When my mum talks about DS as "the sporty one" who is "good at maths" I gently remind her he is also good at art, or that his cousin is just as sporty or whatever.

Having a conversation about family labelling is also interesting. My mum was seen as a dreamer and not academic and hated it so she does get the point.

JaneS · 02/01/2011 22:37

I think all families do this, but it's best if they challenge it at the same time!

In my family, my big brother is the clever one, I am the argumentative one, and my little brother is the dim but kind one. Sad

Not nice for any of us, I think!

loves2cycle · 02/01/2011 22:41

Sometimes the pigeon holing is based on real personality traits but it is the inability to recognise that the person might not always behave that way that bothers me. So I am annoyingly known as the messy one and it's true, my mother tells all and sundry about my awful messy bedroom habits as a child and teenager.

She is being accurate so I have to accept what's being said, but the most annoying bit is that my family don't recognise how much I've changed. They ignore the tidy bits of my house and leap on the messy bits as though that's all there is. And my DH joins in with my mother which is infuriating!

SharkSlayer · 02/01/2011 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loves2cycle · 02/01/2011 22:48

You're right to challenge it - when people say "oh is he shy?" about either of my children, when they're reluctant to speak to someone, I always say "yep sometimes shy, sometimes boisterous, you never know how he'll be!" just as a way of making my children feel it's ok to be shy or not. (I do have 1 very shy child and I hate the way strangers say it over his head in a critical way) - as though that's going to help somehow?!

hairyfairylights · 02/01/2011 22:51

Oh god yes, I was over sensitive and weak. I've managed to rid myself of the over sensitive label (after all, sensitivity is a great trait) but still see myself as physically weak.

loves2cycle · 02/01/2011 22:53

The thing is shark - if you are seen as the sensible one and you do make your point about not coping forcefully, they may really listen because they will not be used to that from you. Getting them to hear it might be hard initially, but once they have heard, they should take you seriously because it will be a rare occurance.

It sounds like they need to be shocked out of their view of you - can you tell them exactly what type of help/support you need from them?

quietlysuggests · 02/01/2011 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
singingcat · 02/01/2011 23:00

I'm not

OP posts:
MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 02/01/2011 23:06

Yes..
With my Dad the fact that I am a woman and they are all the same and you know what women/girls/females are like.

I can not even defend myself against his negativity towards my gender because I am merely proving that he is right.

I haven't had a single conversation with him for years where some derogatory comment towards me through some slight against women hasn't been included. From mild jokeyness which has now worn so thin it is thread bare, to downright unkind or offensive comments.

MarineIguana · 02/01/2011 23:08

Oh yes... I think my family stopped noticing who I am when I was around 15.

I'm the sensible, swotty and slightly square one

I like dark chocolate (I can take or leave it, the truth I claimed to like it aged about 15, merely to distance myself from my sister by pretending to be more sophisticated Blush)

I wear all-black, big baggy clothes. (I did when I was 15! But not for the last eeerrrm, 20 years at least)

To be fair, I think my mum and one of my sisters actually haven't changed much since I was 15. So they don't expect me to have.

quietlysuggests · 02/01/2011 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 02/01/2011 23:14

hairyfairy I remember when my DD2 was seven she had a horrible illness that left her very tired and weak. She stopped all her hobbies and got very low.

One day I announced she was a strong girl, possibly the strongest girl I knew, and with the rebranding she became amazing! I think I was aware of the danger of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

SharkSlayer · 02/01/2011 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 02/01/2011 23:19

Yes, although my mum was the worst culprit so now she's sadly dead there is less pigeonholing.
I was brainy quiet one with no common sense. The no common sense mainly seemed to refer to not subscribing to daily mail type views and not being terrified I'd be attacked if I ran in the park on my own.
My sister was the nice generous one. My brother seemed to escape, but maybe that's part of being a middle child, plus he stayed at home until older so maybe they had a more realistic view of him as an adult where as I just popped in occasionally once I was 18.

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