Have decided I REALLY don't like my Dad!

[Pantofino]

I feel mean and terrible for feeling like this, especially as he is my only living parent.

To (try to) cut a very long story short he split up from Stepmother about 10 years ago after she found out he was having a fling with a woman in china. Very very acrimonius divorce, then he moved soon to be new SM over. She was quite young and it was clear to everyone what her intents were.

The woman totally takes the piss - he pays for everything related to the house, even though he was made redundant a few years back. She has built a good career but keeps every penny she earns. He will not hear a word against her, though even as we speak, she is in Sharm El Sheik on a luxury holiday, and he is sitting at my dining room table chain smoking.

He stopped contact with all his friends as she had nothing in common with them, and gradually slid in to alcoholism. This culminated with him nearly dying this time last year, which at least gave him the wake up call to stop drinking.

They have been over a few times this year (we are abroad) as SM discovered she had an old friend who lived near me. Queue her treating my house like a hotel, whilst dad sits at the table for days. He last came 2 weeks ago.

My dsis suggested coming for new year with her family. Lovely! They arrived Friday and left today. We had lots of fun with the children over NY.

Dad turns up the middle of Friday afternoon. He brought loads of out of date food, and 2 red wine boxes - for him. Since then he has sat at the table - chain smoking. He slept on the sofa. He can't go outside to smoke, or go in the garage as his legs are too bad apparently.

He just constantly tells the same stories over and over. He hasn't changed his clothes. He is fecking drinking again . He announced this morning he is staying til Wednesday! I go back to work tomorrow. It just isn't convenient. And when he asked today for some help with the computer, it turns out he has been in contacted with all kinds of African scam merchants, who has befriended on FB. He can't see any security issue with this - he is just "having a laugh" with them. I am furious!

You don't have to respond to any of my long ranting. I am just so pissed off. He is still just sat there - has been since 6am. And he announced that he has so much fun, he was getting a season ticket for the ferry so that he can come all the time!

I know I am horrible but I just need to rant a bit!

No you're not horrible Pantofino - you're just tired, sad, frustrated and feeling guilty, with nothing to feel guilty about!

I'm sure more people will come on with more practical advice, but I think a bit of tough love is needed. He's given up drinking but he arrives with two wine boxes?

And if he's got the energy to smoke he can drag his poor old legs outside.

I think you've made your home too comfortable for him. Kindly tell him a few home-truths and ban smoking in the house. He'll have second thoughts about that season ticket...and some of what you say might even sink in. Good luck x

You arent at all horrible.

You have been nicer/more patient with him than I am with my dad, and although they seem similar (drinking, smoking, self absorbed) yours sounds worse! I would have cracked long before now.

You're not remotely horrible, he is taking advantage and sadly being as selfish as most relapsed alcoholics are.

I think you may benefit from a chat with ADFAM. Their current slogan is, "you can't stop someone using drugs (or alcohol). You can stop them using you."

I DO feel guilty. I know he is lonely, but I find it harder to not think that he brought this all on himself. He won't take any advice. I have been telling him for years that he needs to see a solicitor with regards to protecting himself and the house.

He says he can't leave her, or get her to leave as he will lose it all. I think if he continues drinking when he gets home, (which he swears he won't) she might go anyway. She has never contributed a penny which makes me so . And of course, if he should die she will get the lot.

I don't care from the inheritance perspective - I would much prefer him to have a happy home life and live to a ripe old age with a partner that loves him.

He is just no FUN anymore. He just sits there. I was thinking today of that Priest in Father Ted who came for his holidays at Craggy Island and never moved or spoke. Then he died and they found out that those holidays were all he lived for. I feel a bit like that. On one hand, I just want to be able to relax in my own house......

Rereading that, I feel bitchier than ever! I think I am just tired as I have had 9 people in this house over NY and just want to have a day where I am not "on duty" before I go back to work. The others all helped - even the kids got their own breakfast and BIL loaded/unloaded dishwasher and kept glasses topped up. Dad has just sat there.

perfectstorm - thanks for the link! I will have a good look at that. The wine has kicked in now and the (much repeated) stories have started. I hate myself, but I am practically ignoring him. I don't want to talk to him. DH is watching tv, I suggested he moved to watch too. He won't move. I am going to bed soon.

Panto, please do not feel guilty for your father's life,
.

He is old enough to sort out his own life. His bride is his problem.

You don't HAVE to put up with this hotel arrangement..

Tell him that unless he takes responsibility for his drinking, his financial security and his happiness then he is not to just come and use your house whenever he feels like it in this depressing fug of smoke and alcohol.

If I were you, I'd arrange to break down, and yell at him, tell him that you are so unhappy seeing him like this, that he is not a guest he feels like a patient and that it's all too distressing for you.

Tell him that you need your house to your self to get yourself ready for work and therefore he needs to go back sooner.

You can't just let his happen, it's not your problem, he's dumping his mess all over you.

I wouldn't let him smoke in the house or drink excessively. Your kidds are a good excuse to ban this sort of thing. His wife won't get "everything". He needs to sort out his marriage not hide at your house. You could offer to accompany him to a solicitor but he'd probably be financially better off without her, until he drinks it all away.
He has to start engaging and behaving like your parent, not one of your children.

The thing is, you can feel as sorry for him as you want to, but your first duty is to yourself and your immediate family. It's not really about how he got where he is today or whether he is being justly punished for bad choices (all human beings make mistakes). You may forgive him, understand how he got to this place, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with whatever he chooses to dump on you. Of course it is right to help and support your parents, but support him in what? Sitting in your kitchen indulging in life-threatening habits isn't helping him in any way, it's just making your lives worse.

Btw can I add that as I understand it, divorce settlements are adjusted on the basis of need. If one partner has much higher earning capacity than the other, and there are no children in the equation, it is very unlikely that they will "get everything" or even half of everything. Sure he can't recover all that he's lost, but he can cut his losses and take something out of this rather than throwing his hands up and leaning on the pity of his (disinherited) daughters. It's only too late to do anything about it because he's decided that it is.

Annie, that is very interesting. SM has a LOT of savings, is younger than me, and 2 jobs, plus she is studying for a degree part time. My dad is 61, on incapacity benefit and supplementing this with his savings. The mortgage on the house WAS nearly paid off, but I think he renegotiated the remaining payments so as to give himself more disposable income.

In my (logical) mind, he should sell up, get rid of the SM and I am sure he would have sufficient equity whatever happened to buy himself a flat - which is all he actually needs. Well I say that ....it is what I would do in this situation. But yes - he is a grown up and will do what he wants. I just wish he would face up to the problem.

He used to be a company director before he lost his job. I have never thought of him as being THAT stupid before now. I have been to work this morning, and come home after 2 hours to find he has already had at least one glass of wine. He hasn't been drinking in the day up til now, as there have been people about. So the minute my back was turned, he decided he needed one at 10am! Fuck him.

Panto, you have to have THE TALK with him drinking at 10am is not right. ever.

Sadly we have had the TALK many a time, and my sister has too. I would have thought that being found by a family member laying in your own piss and shit and seeing the disgust of the hospital staff who had to treat you would be enough to put you off for good, but apparently not.

My BIL is currently very ill in hospital with alcohol related complications and is extremely unlikely to survive for more than a few weeks. I have been telling DDad all the gory details of that since I got home, plus how hard it is going to be for his family (they owned a pub and have now lost the business, and will shortly lose their house). But selfish bastards, both, they never listen(ed).

You are going to have to take a deep breath and say NO. No more visits.

It's not working for him, and it's hurting you.

Seriously, there is only so much you can do. Can you get Al-Anon-ish help out there?

Tough love.

LittleMiss, you are right. DH and I are planning a bit of a get fit new year, cutting out alcohol, eating better, doing more exercise etc etc. I figured the next time Dad suggests coming, I will tell him there will be NO smoking, and NO drinking going on AT ALL in this house. I already told him we have a busy few months coming up (true). So we will out/away A LOT.

I have let him get too comfy here. We love having visitors, and DO make an effort to make them feel at home, work round food intolerances/allergies to the cat etc. But the visitors normally "repay" the work. We go out and have fun, DD gets entertained by other kids, they bring us loads of English food, they help out in the kitchen whilst they are here. My dad does NONE of those things. Only one more day to go....

I do really understand how hard it is. He's your Dad, he and your mum split and the relationship becomes more pressured. he has this dreadful woman in his life and you naturally feel sorry for him. After all, as your Father you are conditioned to feel for him.

BUT

This situation is all his doing.

No-one made him cheat on your mum, no-one forced him to get this SM, nobody is demanding he drink etc etc.

He knows what he has done with his life, this is naturally why he drinks, but to inflict this on you his daughter is not on.

You HAVE to defend your family. The way your DAD never bothered to. Your dad is a threat to your home peace and serenity, because he can't control his drinking/smoking.

You NEED to stop being his daughter for a second and start being the matriarch of your family. Putting a stop to this stress in your own home for the sake of what?

A philandering drunk? If he wants to be treated like a father, he had better start acting like one and pull himself together.

more

I LIKE the idea of being the Matriarch of my family! I am 42 and feel like a little girl sometimes. I am channeling Ena Sharples! I am going to put my foot down.

Just as a small aside - it wasn't my mum he cheated on - she died. Twas my first stepmother (who is lovely). It makes no difference though.

I'm 42 too!

We are not taught to take control of our families, we blunder from girl to woman to mother.

With age we acquire a natural gravitas, why on earth should we not take our own decisions and say NO.

I had a row with my dad last year. He couldn't understand why I was not leaping up and down with excitement that HE was going to TRY to convince his OW/DW to allow him to invite his DC to his house for a meeting at christmas... First time we'd have been allowed since the late 90s.

I told him to shove it. I told him that he was the same age then, walking out on our family I was now. In fact he was a couple of months younger.

I told him that I know what he did now, I know what it took and what kind of person he was to bugger off to someone elses house and leave his wife of 22 years and his DDs.

No contrition from either one in all these years, and now he'll try and swing an invite?

Ah I see about your DM/SM, sorry for the confusion, but as you say, it makes no difference. FWIW, even if your DM had not died, this is still a lesson you would need to teach yourself, to assume the matriarchal mantle You can't be taught this.. You have to take up the role. This is one of the things you have to do in your 40s IMO.

Darling, you have to put your foot down. If not now, when?

"Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!?

I heard the kettle whistle.... so you must be brewing up, Porto!

What's the saying "They fuck us up our Mum and Dad" or something of that ilk. Though actually I feel quite normal. My ex SM has gone on to have a happy life.

It's my dad that made the poor decisions and now he is paying for them. I guess the question is how far I am prepared to go to cushion the fall. Not that far, probably. He didn't put US first when we were younger.

you have to remind yourself of that, he has no right really to assume you will put up with all this shit, when he never put you or his family first.

Sorry about YOUR dad too, Little Miss. It's sad when they are such a disappointment!