Divorce settlement issues - help...long sorry

[Meikyo]

STBXH and I split in Aug 2008 - my choice. No-one else involved. We have an 8 yr old DD who lives with me. I have always been main breadwinner and STBXH has been in and out of work for last 8 years. Things have been quite confrontational so lawyers involved from early on.

Trying to settle assets/decide about marital home etc. Plan is that I would buy him out - in Scotland so presumption is always 50/50 split although my lawyer reckons I should get 55/45 as I have care of DD and ex has not paid any child support (he has been on incapacity for last 2 yrs - but he has just been reassessed as fit for work so I might start to get something in near future for DD). To date I have paid out over £8k in lawyers fees - and we have only just got to stage of proposing settlement to Ex's side. As far as I know Ex has paid about £6k in lawyers fees.

I really wanted Ex and I to go for financial mediation 12 months ago to stop racking up the lawyers fees. Ex refused. Now I have used most of my savings on legal fees and cannot afford to keep paying out. We have about £160k of net assets including equity in house and pensions but Ex is very unhappy with proposed 45/55 split and the fact that due to him having taken half of the savings account back in 2008 and fact that he will retain his pensions, looks like his final balancing payment will be about £5k going from me to him. (This still gives him a share of net assets worth £75k).

I have suggested financial mediation again but Ex seems to want to stick with lawyers. I really cannot afford any more legal fees - will have to take out a bank loan...thinking of letting my lawyer go and representing myself for final stages as simply can't afford £200 per hour any more. I earn too much for legal aid and only benefit I get is Child Benefit. Also don't want to sell house as would cost as much if not more per month in new mortgage - I am on a very favourable low std variable rate. Have tried to explain to Ex that this is just taking money out of our assets and DDs future to pay lawyers but he doesn't get it... Any advice please?

If i were you, id personally take a 50/50 split just to end this ridiculous situation and end things with ex- sorry but that me. Is it really worth the hassle and the extra costs???

crazeeladeeuk - thanks for replying. I have often asked Ex H what amount he is actually looking for as I just want to write a cheque and end all the to-ing and fro-ing. However, He won't tell me. I think his bottom line is "as much as possible" so all we are doing is going around in circles. I made him a cash settelment offer of £25k plus what he already getting 2 years ago and he refused!!!

Well id officially offer it to him through solicitors and then leave it on the table- Let him to the donkey work, meanwhile you just sit tight in your house until he makes up his mind what he wants- sounds like a situation where he doesnt want you and yet doesnt want you to move on either. Was the divorce your idea?

Seems a waste spending money on a solicitor when hes not going to let you move onxx

Yes, sounds good advice. Divorce was my idea and I think this is his way exercising some power over me. I have moved on emotionally - been seeing a lovely new man for last 7 months. I'll sit tight and let him show his hand I think - but it is so frustrating! Just want to get it all settled.

Yes i understand but if he wont bat the ball back its not working, you just throwing and collecting the ball yourself and no wonder your tired. Walk away,its not like you are in a rush to part with your money but he need for the money is greater than your need to part with it. You need to take back the power that you have, much is alot in your given situation. let him play his games with someone else and you enjoy your new man - would love one if he has a single friend

A psychologist, told me I would know when my exh had moved on, he would want to finish legalities and sorting out finances and let things go, people keep things going when they have unresolved issues with an ex. If you are over him, let him have the extra bit and stop being so bitter, let the past go and move on and be happy with your new man, rather than hang on to the bitterness and games you are playing by geting him to show his hand etc. (ps I know how the bitterness can start after a long period of ranglings you are just human x) Your money as you know would be better spent on therapy rather than legal fee's to work out why you are holding on to legalities and are flogging a dead horse when you have a child and lovely man to live a life with!

Thanks MummieHunnie,

I would dearly LOVE to be free of the legalities, believe me! Its Ex H who is dragging it out....Don't know about where you are based, but here, the divorce has only one stage (final, i.e. absolute) and this cannot be done until all the finances are settled - so since Ex is dragging things on, I am stuck in limbo land until we reach agreement....

I would stop using the lawyer then and just self represent. It would seem highly unlikely that the court would award him more than 50% so you may as well stop running around like a headless chicken and assume the court will aware 50/50, if it's less than you're onto a winner!

I am divorced, the finances are not settled!

You are dragging it out Meikyo, you won't let it go and give him what he wants, you are squabbling over a tiny amount, if you were keen to move on you would let it go, they guy has health problems let it go he is your kids dad.

I don't know about Scottish law but I think the same general principles must apply everywhere.

This situation is crazy. It is dragging on and on, costing you both emotionally and financially.

I would make him an open offer of 50% of the assets, say it is on the table for 28 days and will then be withdrawn. Then say you will go to court, ask the judge to decide and say you will be asking for 60/40 in your favour to compensate you for the legal fees you have had to pay out.

I think you can manage this without a lawyer. If you are arguing about straightforward assets such as a house and a pension, not trust funds in the Cayman island, it is not that hard and you can do it yourself. Don't pay any more lawyers, but do get a date fixed for a final hearing if he is just dragging it out.

Agree with Spero.

Mummiehunnie, Scots and English law are not the same at all. Totally different jurisdictions and very different rules. If you divorced in this country that doesn't mean the same principles would apply north of the border.

Apologies, yes I am referring to English law so different!

I still think op has to look at herself, if there is no fight it is all over, swallow it, for the sake of the child and peace in all your lives, I wish I could walk away, I have no choice to go to court to make sure my kids can be supported, otherwise I would have walked at the beginning and given him the lot if I had no kids, who wants that negativity in thier lives.

MummieHunnie - the OP has asked her ex what he wants and he refuses to tell her! She cannot negotiate as he won't settle for anything at the moment! However I think you are giving a valuable insight into the motives of the ex.

OP - my suggestion is that you act yourself for most of the correspondence. Then you don't contact him. Don't respond to letters immediately. When his solicitor writes to you, write back and ask for clarification. Or write back and ask for time to think about things - and every time his solicitor writes to you then it racks up more fees for your ex and may eventually mean he HAS to focus on a settlement. If he takes you to court, then he pays the fees up front (I believe) and then when costs are discussed you can show the court all the letters and notes about when you offered him settlement and he refused to deal. But make him run up bills at the solicitors.

Also do not contact him about anything at all unless absolutely necessary. If he feels he has to prod you to get a reaction he may give hints or suggestions which will give you an idea about where to start the offers.

Good luck

I thought they were fighting over 5%, I must have mis read, if it is fighting over 5% give it to him and let the dammed thing go and move on with your life. You will probably be friends in five years time and laugh about this then, he might even feel bad and give you a lump of money later on if he feels bad later on.

I am not sure about Scottish law but under English law, my lawyer was very, very insistent that the Consent Order (financial settlement) was agreed and stamped and sealed by the Courts before I applied for Decree Absolute. In English law, if there is no Consent Order, XH or XW can come after you for a share of your post-divorce assets. Remember the story of the guy who won the lottery and ended up having to give his XW so many millions because he did not sort out his financial settlement properly?

Also, under English law, you can apply to the Court for XH to pay for your costs - if this remedy is availabe in Scotland, it may make him re-think his strategy.

In addition, now that you have a new life (well done on moving on), you want everything signed, sealed and delivered because you do not want XH popping up at some future date making claims.

Good luck!