So angry, BIL having an affair. Tell me how to help my sister??

[janmoomoo]

My sister found out her husband is having an affair on the Wednesday after christmas. I have been with her for three days, she is devastated.

I have listened to her (even though I just want to kick him so hard) and looked after the kids (2&4) but I dont know what else I can do. Anyone got any advice for me?

Any practical help with regard to sorting financial issues?

Speaking from someone who has been in your sisters position, support and listen is the best but DO NOT GET INVOLVED. Leave all the decsion making to her let her be the one to Kick him hard or forgive him despite the circumstances.

Family/ friends support especially in the early days is essential, but ensure she knows you will continue to to that whatever decisions she makes, and for as long as it takes

Keep doing what you're doing, but stay away from him if you don't trust yourself not to lamp him one. I'd want to! The reason I say this is that the first in the queue to do this is actually your sister. The children will need their routines upheld while your sister does what she needs to for herself. And that is a huge kindness on your part...

And you don't know what may go on between them later on, whether they'll resolve things, etc. In light of the fact that he'll have to be part of her/the kids' life no matter what happens, it'll be better in the long term to not say anything to him. Avoid him if you can.

Thanks, that is sensible advice. I am finding it hard to control my anger but trying to stay calm.

Listen and listen and listen. She will want to offload and go over stuff in her own mind and to do this she may need to keep going over and over the same stuff.

Keep the kids into a good routine.

Dont get involved talking to him if you can help it - whatever your sister may be feeling or thinking now, in 6 months or 2 years time they may be together putting this behind them and you dont want to have any awkwardness between you and BIL and possibly your sister too in the future. I know its hard but bite your tongue where BIL is concerned.

I was where your sister is in August, and second the advice to listen to your sister, reassure her that - whatever happens - things will be OK in the end, and don't judge or push her to "act" - I found it very hard to deal with people pushing me to do things that I wasn't ready to do.

Having said that, if she wants to start sorting legal and practical things, it is great to have someone to do practical stuff (my mum packed up my H's stuff in boxes for me, so I didn't have to face him rampaging through my home and taking stuff - and himself - away).

Good luck to all of you - it is hard to see someone you love hurting so much.

Your poor sister :-( In my case I found out beginning of Nov, can't imagine going through Christmas not knowing, how awful.

I have similar age kids too, and what I needed most was someone to deal with them. I couldn't get out of bed for the first few days. My mum and H did most of the DCs care, and in the weeks that followed. 8 weeks on and I'm just starting to feel slightly more normal/capable.

I found it so difficult talking to my family as didn't was them to irreparably hate H, thought that would be a barrier to us working things out. I preferred to vent on here and also rl friends who had been in the same situation.

What is your BIL doing? Has he left?

Thanks all, this is really helpful. I need to tell her I will not judge.

BIL has moved to a friends house and said he will not see the OW and wants to work it out so thats good. Lots of his friends wont talk to him.

Really feel for all of you that have been through it, as I can see how much pain my sister is in.

God, I'm sorry, how awful.

The advice sounds great, nothing to add, but sympathy for you as well as your sister. People you love suffering is so hard.

Sounds like BIL is doing all the right things now. It's good that he could move out (NOT to OW's, obv) as people on here have found that a short sharp shock, when the H has to leave the family home and sees exactly where his actions have led him and what they might cost him, can really help the healing and rebuilding process. If you could facilitate this "positive" separation by helping your sister get all the practical help she needs to do the kids on her own for a bit, that might really help them. H should still be doing what he can to help, even if not living there.

Really really good luck to you all.

Thanks. Good point about moving out Robberbutton. I think his little bubble has burst and he is just now realising what he has done.

One of the best things you can do for her is to stop any self-blaming she might be inclined towards. Reassure her over and over again that none of us can prevent the behaviour choice of another.

One of the best gifts you can give her is to get her to establish a proper timeline for the affair and to recognise that there are two whole stages in affairs, before they start in earnest. These are the friendship/mirroring stage and the pre-affair permission-giving stage. The clock needs to start from first contact with the affair partner and not when the affair itself started.

The reason this is so important is that she might be believing that her marriage had hit trouble before the affair began and that this was causative in it starting. However, by that time, the die has usually been cast and nothing can stop an affair happening, apart from the dubious willpower of the two affair partners.

Whatever reasons your BIL is giving for why he had an affair, your sister also needs to recognise that affairs are never solely relational in cause. If they are to get past this, as a couple they need to establish why your BIL was personally vulnerable to infidelity and how his lifestyle and beliefs contributed to his decision to deceive.

In the aftermath of a terrible shock, there is also absolutely no motivation to pay bills, get uniforms ready and undertake too many practical tasks. It is as though the world has stopped turning. Remove as many of these mundane tasks from her, because that will help so much.

The other thing you can do is to have their DCs for a few sleepovers if you can, because as a couple, they are going to need lots of uninterrupted time talking about this.

Yeh, I have just kept saying over and over that this is not her fault, she is not to blame, she should not be ashamed. Also that she married a good man but somehow along the way he has taken a wrong path.

I just remember being so utterly grateful for my brother's support and so very proud of him and the help he gave me.

The advice you have been given is good and I just wanted to echo it really. You may not feel you are doing much, but believe me you are!

I meant to add on to my post that it's possible to work things out IF your sister wants to. One of the most supportive things my rl friend said was that whatever decision I made about the marriage, even if I wanted to end it, it was still HIS fault, HIS responsibility because of his actions. Not being able to get past this is not her destroying the marriage, if that turns out to be the case.

My H described his affair as a bubble, he said that was how he and the OW talked about it. Hopefully your BIL will see it in a similar way, a complete fantasy devoid of any real possible future.

Another thing, already said by WWIFN, is that BIL will have to look long and hard and deeply at himself. He might not be such a "good" man. For my H, his detaching himself from his marriage and family started years ago when the DCs were born. That was when he started lying about working late & actually going to the pub. Even though it was with friends then, and not an OW, his behaviour 5 years ago was paving the way for the horrendous betrayal of the last year.

I really appreciate your advice, it will really help I am sure. I feel like I dont know anything about all this and what to say, but I suppose that is how everyone feels when this lands in their lap.