Before I forget,
BibiBlock. Forgot to say thanks for your sweet message before I joked with you
Everyone, I had a better day because of your postings x
answers:
there are a lot of shit things. I think he has damaged me - a lot. I'm trying to get over it but at the same time I am a busy mother. I find that diffiuclt. I find that I am worrying about how I will cope and what to tell her about not having a father.
About the support network - I agree it is important. When I left him I had no job and no money left. I came back to live with my parents. it usually varies between tolerable and bloody awful. The advantages are I get some help (not that much) and it is quite reassuring to have other heart beats i the house. I'm not very good at living alone with baby. i miss my own place/freedom but I think I might find it stressful. PLus I can't afford my own place. He left me pretty much pennyless.
My parents are judgemental and often critical too. I am living in my childhood bedroom and fantasise about jumping out of the window a lot.
Which brings me to the next point. I often feel like I dont want to live but I am sure I would not commit suicide becasue of DD. If DD wasn't hear I would not be living here but I would have started a fresh life somewhere - make up for lost time.
That's why I feel trapped as I am v restricted. hen i left him, I imagined doing all these things with baby - like i said, I was naive.
I suppose I have depression - but I dno't know how I can feel happy. The only happiness I have is from moments woith DD (15mths)
We live in the mmiddle of nowhere. I work 2.5 days a week which is good but has come with added stress. I do take the train in to the hearest big towna nd go to a playgroup. I did meet a v nice woman but she is often busy. I tink I will keep trygin it just became hassle with the train etc.
I have one friend who lives 30 minutes away - the rest are far. There is one who would help me a lot but she is 4 hours away. Iam 32 and left here when I was 18, came back in deperation 2 years ago. I had a very good friend who helped me through the early pregnany time but I think she doesnt want to hear anymore moaning. She was v supportive at beg and kept saying it will get better. But, it hasn't really.
My mum could have baby for a few hours at the weekend but she is also tired from working FT. She can't do bedtime as DD quite unsettled.
Maybe if I focus on improving her sleep I would be able to have more tiem for myself - I would love to exercise, bath, read.....although I don't know how I could meet people.
Yeah, you are right - being lonely is the worst thing at moment. I know I am a big whinger. i know that I am not dying, and sometimes I feel grateful for many things (healthy baby who smile a lot, for one). Just....well, i can't help crying myself to sleep.
SHe rang the other day to talk about if I had a nice Xmas and asked me questions about what I did. I jsut played along. Im unhappy.
The best thing I did was go to a counsellor. I pay 30 pounds for nursery and drive 45 mins to a counsellor - 20 per hr with discout. i can only jsut afford it but it has helped. she has reassured me it is emotional abuse - like the reassurance I have had from you. she suggested mumsnet. I may talk about some things he did as i think i have deined a lot of it.
My other problem is that i presume people with H/P are all honkeydorey.
There are too many negatives going on - dealing with abuse, no time for me, loneliness, no money, lack of sleep, hate the way i look (Possible from XP), ruined my career, can barely hold my job down, living in an awkward environment, I had a miserable labour. Haven't even detailed parents, I get v angry when I think about what he did and how he has got away with it. I'm not going to hurt him physically(!) but I do get some sort of peae when I think about exposing his abusive emails etc.
maybe my problem is that I am a big romantic and i had big expectations of my life. And not jsut romantice, I am quite raditional but not judgemental. I get a lot of people gossiping about me (even my father sas he is ashamed to talk to people - doesn't know what to say) in this small town - people suspecting I had a one night stand etc etc. When really, I was pressurised into it. I was on holiday with him an I was too scared to refuse although i said v v clearly that I didnt want unprotected sex.
Anyway, I supose I am sad to the core - it started with being alone at labour and then I stayed in hosp for a week and couldn't handle H/P visiting hour - used to hide behind curtain. I cant stand seeing husbands.
Mayeb in future I will have hope that someone will want to be with me and even have another baby with me.
I don't think XP will take me back now anyway.
Sorry to moan. For the first time in my lif, I jsut don't knwo what to do - where to go - I have never been so restricted and all my aspirations have had to change.
On that note, don't worry about DD, i don't blame her. i tihnk abotu her in a good way and she seems v happy.