Dealing with guilt

[needingsomeadvicepls]

Just after some advice really on how to deal with my own guilt. Will try and keep things brief...

I have been with my DBF on and off for 2 1/2 years, we have had a very up and down relationship including breaking up for about 3 months last summer.

When we did break up it felt like it was for good, we stopped talking and generally moved on with our lives. During this time I had brief relations with a couple of men.

When we got back together I thought it would be best tot be honest with him and told him I had dated a couple of other people and he told me he had one brief relationship too.

However he is quite jealous and kept asking me who these people were, I didnt want to tell him as I felt it was none of his business. However after much asking I admitted who one of them was and he reacted very badly, he knows the person (he says he is a friend of his but they arent really, they do have some mutual friends though) going on that he knew he always liked me etc. He banned me from talking to him, which wasnt very easy as his company does some freelance work for my company, I tried to keep things ok with him to make life at work easier. My DBF found this out (the guy text me when we were in the car) and went mental, he didnt speak to me for over a week and told me he cant trust me etc. It has took us 4 weeks of talking for us to agree to be together and saying he will have to work on trusting me. I have promised to not be in touch with the other guy anymore even if it makes work difficult and I have done this.

Now on to why I feel guilty. He also knows of one of the others, never met him but knows who he is, he asked me out right a while ago if he was one of them and I said no as there is no way he could cope with that and would leave me. I am now feeling guilty about this, also this guy text me today even though I have asked him a number of times not to. I am terrified my DBF will find out, which I know is daft as I havent actually done anything wrong.

I feel so panicked and stressed about it, I want to change my phone number but DBF would rightly think this is weird but I am terrified he will leave me :(

So what do I do? I have thought about literally walking away from the relationship to stop the guilt but dont want to, for his faults he is a great guy and I love him to bits.

He is not a great guy. He is a jealous, controlling asshole.

It is time to walk away. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

He sounds absolutely awful! Why would you want to be with someone like that?

Walk away from this.

Thank you for your replies.

I really dont feel like I do want to leave, for his faults he is a great guy and I love him to bits.

I just need to stop myself feeling guilty for something I know I dont need to feel bad about, I was single and did nothing wrong, right?

You did nothing wrong. You were finished.

Your boyfriend is trying to control you. I presume you are not throwing your toys out of the pram other the girl he fucked?

Get out now before you are tied to him with marriage and babies.

Hmmm.. I'm not surprised you lied, I probably would have too. It's inevitable in an on-off relationship that this kind of thing happens. Do you know who he was with while you were split? Do you mind? Have you asked? Sounds like he is feeling very insecure about the whole deal.

You do realise you don't owe him ANY explanations for a time when you weren't with him, don't you? I do understand that he's prefer to know what's happened as mutual friends have been involved. However, you weren't together at the time. Loss of face is obviously a big deal to him. Some people can be quite territorial, and I'd guess this is what it's about - someone else planted their flagpole on his territory.

He's going to have to accept that this wasn't any of his business, and that if you get back together with someone, the fact is you'll have to accept them as different to how they were before. Including the fact that they've been other places and done other things. He'll have to deal with it or the odds are totally against any of this working.

Don't bother to lie. You've done more than you're obliged to. Tell him everything, unapologetically but tactfully. It will hurt his ego, but you mustn't start lying about it all. He'll have to deal with it. If you try to keep up these lies, you'll get found out, and then he really will have reason not to trust you, ironically.

The reason you feel guilty is because this "great guy" is making you feel guilty - he is treating you as if you have done something terribly wrong in having relationships while you were split up, and you are starting to believe him. He has no right to be this way about people you had a relationship with - you were not being unfaithful to him, and the fact that you had relationships while free to do so does not allow him to assume you are going to be unfaithful to him now you are back together. The fact that he knows the men doesn't make any difference - if you've been together 2 1/2 years you'll know a lot of the same people, so of course he knows them to some extent. If he was so bothered by the idea of you being with someone else, he should have worked harder at making the relationship work.

Honestly, look at his behaviour - if he is this jealous and controlling, he is not a great guy. You are having to prove yourself to him all the time - and he will be like this all through the rest of your relationship. Any time he doesn't like your behaviour, or who you are friends with, he will throw this back at you again to make you toe the line.

Thank you every one, I really am listening to all the advice.

I dont think that he tells me who to talk to, no which is why I didnt stop speaking to that guy as I didnt see it as a big deal and I have told him this but in the end I suppose I went for the easier life.

There are lots of times when he is jealous and I either ignore it or tell him to stop being stupid or just ignore it. I work in a nearly all male environment and he does get a bit jealous but he has never stopped me going out or doing my own thing and there is no way I would let him.

I feel very confused now :(

Think back to how you felt when you broke up - maybe not the first few days, but once you'd got used to it. Did you feel freer? More able to make your own choices? Less scared of doing something wrong?

Then think to how you felt when you got back together - did you feel you had to be careful? That you had to do things his way to keep him happy? How do you feel most of the time in this relationship? Like you're walking on eggshells, like any moment you'll do something wrong and make him angry?

If that sounds even a little bit like how your relationship is, then I think you need to seriously consider whether it is healthy for you. We don't "know" you on here, and can only judge whether this relationship is a good one by what you're saying, but the little you've said so far rings alarm bells. Fiery up & down relationship with jealous men who make you feel bad about your choices can very easily be more about control than love.

Your relationship has undoubtedly been very up and down for the last 2.5 years because of his behaviour. Drama filled relationships like this with great highs and awful lows are not healthy ones. Was your parents relationship like this as well?. You of course do not have to answer that but if it was that damaging pattern is being repeated now with you.

Re this comment too:-
"There are lots of times when he is jealous and I either ignore it or tell him to stop being stupid or just ignore it. I work in a nearly all male environment and he does get a bit jealous but he has never stopped me going out or doing my own thing and there is no way I would let him".

He does not have to, his spoken word was enough to make you feel guilty erroneously. You are not responsible for this man's jealousy and inherent low self esteem. This person tried to stop you talking to this other man and when he found out that you were still talking with him your original man stopped speaking to you for a week. What does that tell you about him?. He will stop at nothing to put you in your place, in that gilded cage of his own making.

Going for the easier life with such a controlling man is no option for you short term let alone long term.

I would suggest you also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. You need to realise as well that controlling behaviours are abusive ones.

Jealousy and low self esteem are inextricably linked; you really do not want to tie yourself to such a man who does this to you so readily. He is not your keeper and equally too he is also not your project to try and rescue/save.

My relationship started like this, albeit without the break and the inquisition of who I'd seen in that time.

With us it was all the people I had been with (hardly that many) he banned me from having contact with any male, then banned me from contacting certain friends.

The inquisition of my past went on for months.

I adored him, I loved every breath of him. I was terrified of losing him.

Sadly more terrified of losing him that I ought to have been at losing myself.

You are considering cutting ties with your past because of his hissy fits, this is where it starts.

i am 10 years on, 1 DS and 'H' is about to leave. That is the good news.

The bad news is that between then and now the abuse got worse, verbal, mental and physical. I ended up making all sorts of excuses for this bloke, falling for all sorts of bull and putting up with totally unacceptable situations because he is H and because of DS.

Only when I was absolutely broken, waking up and crying at the hell and pointlessness of each passing second of the life he had inflicted on me, spending days not looking outside because I couldn't bear to be reminded about where I was. Only then could I start to realise that I was alone. That there was no-one I knew putting up with this, not even a fraction of it.

I was still told I was lucky to be there though, the gilded cage comment rings true for me.

OK so I am fine, I will be fine. Please don't find out 'My version of Fine' for yourself, please understand that you need to be strong and demand more for yourself.

I promise, he will go on to hit you if you stay. Men that ignore and punish like this, men that demand you cut people off, men that interrogate you... All of those are RED FLAGS. Any one of them is enough to say Enough, I'm off! and with good reason. You have pretty much a full house!

Get rid.