Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

need advice..............

13 replies

loo1965 · 31/12/2010 18:26

I feel kind of humiliated but not sure why!!!!! Let the story begin............

My DH had organised for his sister and husband+ children to visit us a couple of days ago - great i thought. He was on nights and in bed and i thought id just check his phone to see what time they were coming. I found several texts from one of his female colleagues of which a few were just joking/sarcastic however each one was signed with a 'x' and so were his. She text him on her birthday and said she was 35, he replied she didnt look over 30, commented how thin she was and that she looked youthful - she has sent several with the word 'honey' and 'your so sweet'. He sent one saying ;how are you gorgeous' two were signed 'Mwuh' which i believe means 'kiss'. He wants to leave the section he is in and go to another section - she is in that section.

I stressed about this for a day and confronted him - he was devastated and said it was just joking/jest and they always say those things to each other!! He said he would he leave it on his phone if he has anything to hide - he would delete. It is a very male dominated area which he works. He has swore on mine and kids lives nothing has happened, never will and wouldn't want it
to. He said it was wrong and has deleted everything.

Whilst i appreciate he hasnt done anything - no sexy talk etc... i do feel really hurt and just wondered what your interpretation of it would be. I did say if i got those texts i would be thinking he fancys me

Any advice greatly appreciated

OP posts:
itsohsoquiet · 31/12/2010 18:29

He hasn't done anything?
Sorry but you're a complete mug

emmyloulou · 31/12/2010 18:33

By section I am guessing forces, RAF?

I'd be furious, no it's not jest is it?Banter happens for sure don't let him fool you into thinking all the guys in his section are at it like that, they are not. There is having a laugh and compliments you should only really be sending your wife.

I'd be furious if my DH wanted to move section to be with a female, infact I'd definately believe there was more to it.

You don't make decisions like that career decisions which can effect your future as you want to work with some skirt.

Catsmamma · 31/12/2010 18:33

i would not be best pleased tbh.

is that how is normally is with "girls"??....if it's not out of character then maybe you do not need to be worried. Hmm

and bet your bottom dollar all future messages will be deleted.

itsohsoquiet · 31/12/2010 18:39

sorry that might have been a bit harsh but to me it looks like there is more to it.

Original poster
loo1965 · 31/12/2010 18:43

You havent said anything ive already thought myself and said to him...........
no he's not forces - hes not moving to be with her ( i dont think!!!!!!!) its somewhere he used to work and was happy and has been trying to go back for approx a year

I knew if i confronted him i then run the risk of him deleting anything further. I am convinced that nothing has happened but my issue is how long would these texts be going on for? ever? would they gradually get more personal?

He is very sarcastic with everyone but not 'flirty'

OP posts:
TryLikingClarity · 01/01/2011 12:36

OP - your DH said if he had anything he wanted to hide then he'd delete texts. How do you know they hadn't been sending more racy or personal texts which he has deleted??

You and he need to sit down and really talk. We're not in your situation so we can't guess what he's up to, what he may get up to or how he feels. Only he can tell you these things

Original poster
loo1965 · 01/01/2011 12:49

I dont know that more than anyone else but the texts i did see span the last 6 months and these amounted to one or two per month - if that

There are still a lot of things i need to go over with him as at the moment they are all going through my head constantly - i need a break from it

When we did talk he is adamant that it was all in jest/sarcastic text talk

OP posts:
Malificence · 01/01/2011 13:42

If the rest of your relationship is good,and solid and trusting and he is a good husband and father, I'd be inclined to take him at his word.
If I went on my DH's phone now there would be similar texts, going back years, with 3 or 4 female friends/ ex colleagues he has, however they are meaningless in the context of our marriage.
I am, have always been and will always be his priority, the fact that he likes female company and friendship is a big plus in my eyes and I'm not in the least bit threatenend /insecure or jealous.
If his priorities are you and your family, I doubt you have anything to worry about tbh.

Original poster
loo1965 · 01/01/2011 15:26

Thanks M - you have hit the nail on the head and given me a different perspective to consider

He is a good husband and father

It nice to hear a positive side

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 01/01/2011 16:12

I think flirting like this is "testing the water" and I don't think it's innocent or harmless at all. Neither does he, apparently if he has now agreed that this was "wrong".

If I were you, I would have a proper conversation about how he will deal with the situation if this female friend decides to respond to this flirting and makes it clear that she is open to something more. I agree with you that in her position, I would assume he was interested and open to something. The difficulty therefore is that if this had continued and it had got to the stage where the flirting had increased and an opportunity became apparent, people in his position always underestimate how difficult it is to resist, because they have broken so many barriers along the way before it gets to that point.

If you knew before you looked at his phone that he was seeking a transfer to work with this female, then I suspect you have been trying to quell your unease for a while and have been bargaining with yourself that you were getting paranoid. Uneasy feelings about this are however perfectly normal OP and I suspect this is why you actually looked at the phone.

Original poster
loo1965 · 01/01/2011 16:24

I knew he was seeking a transfer for the reasons i stated earlier - i did not know she worked there - it was honestly a complete shock!!!

i need to have a much deeper conversation with him clearly as things are not cut and dry from my side
yet i struggle with thinking that if i actually keep questioning him maybe it would put something more in his mind ( does that make sense?)

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 01/01/2011 17:13

Can I suggest you both read an excellent book called "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass? It is aimed at couples recovering from infidelity, but don't let that put you off because in fact it should be required reading for anyone entering a monogamous relationship, IMO Smile.

Can I also reassure you that being tempted is normal and it would be much healthier all round if people like your H admitted to getting a bit of a buzz from this flirting, instead of going on the defensive and claiming there was nothing to it. People who think they are invulnerable to flirting and flattery are in fact the most vulnerable, because they completely disregard the precautions a more pragmatic person makes when it comes to the friendships they keep.

If you have the conversation with this is mind - that you are both only human and as vulnerable as the next person, this allows you to have a much more honest conversation about fidelity. But do get that book.

Original poster
loo1965 · 01/01/2011 17:18

will take your advice gratefully and get the book

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread