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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you live in sex less relationship?

17 replies

Citrusfruit · 31/12/2010 16:07

Is it possible to live happily in a relationship where the sex has gone but other things are ok?

Dh and I haven't had sex for 6 months, I've tried to initiate but he says he's too tired, stressed etc. Now I feel too embarassed to try again. He won't talk about it.

Our relationship is generally good but lately has lacked intimacy of any sort. Very rare kissing, cuddling etc.
I don't know if I should just accept that this is.
What would you do?
I'm not sex mad but would like to have intimacy. Just feel so undesirable.

OP posts:

pinkhebe · 31/12/2010 16:10

yes, we don't have sex often although there is still cuddles, BUT we're both happy with this and that is the difference

ThatllDoPig · 31/12/2010 16:15

I think this happens a lot more than most people admit. Stress, tiredness, pressures of life take its toll.

And I think it isn't true about men's sex drives being higher than women's.
The problem is maintaining closeness as a couple when the physical intimacy goes. All too easy to drift apart.

AuldLangMammaries · 31/12/2010 16:18

It is very difficult ..... have done it for 9 years now .... all I can say is enjoy it when it happens!

Lydwatt · 31/12/2010 16:22

ditto here (kids take up sooo much time!!). I've come to the conclusion that 'normal' is what ever works for you.

Curiousnamechange · 31/12/2010 16:29

We haven't had sex for 18months. I had a bleed in pregnancy and was too frightened then have had twin babies. I have a high libido and DH is not particularly "forward"/confident/sex orientated. We have tried a couple of times but have been too frightened of getting pregnant!!! DH not decided whether or not to have a vasectomy, I am very fertile and a nightmare on hormonal contraception and still breastfeeding. If I am honest I am really unhappy with this side of our relationship and worried whether we'll ever get it back - obviously will, but not feeling rational about it. I have just decided to get my head down and battle through it till he decided either way about the vasectomy. His friend has been flirting with me a lot this week (have another thread about this which has been resolved) which is a bad combination since I am desperately trying to keep my sex drive under wraps till we work out the contraception. The rest of our relationship is fine but this part is difficult at the moment. I feel a bit drained at the mo, although his mate has sorted out my body image worries!!! ;p

berries · 31/12/2010 19:19

I did. It was ok as long as the other elements of intimacy and affection were there (note I said ok, not great). Unfortunately that went as well and I ended up feeling very unloved and unattractive. Prime target for OM in fact.

I suggest unless you want to end up where we did you address this now, and make him see this is a problem for both of you, it's not just your problem.

He is now 'x'h and tbh I'm a lot happier no longer waiting for a sign of affection that never comes!

WherecanIhide · 31/12/2010 19:56

I lived in a sexless marriage and felt very undesirable/hurt etc.

It's fine if you are both happy with the situation, but if you are not you may well end up very resentful.

Makes me wonder why he won't talk about it. This lack of communication could be disasterous long term (ime)x

Curiousnamechange · 31/12/2010 22:34

Oh god my post above is terrible and makes me sound like I am about to start running off for secret laisons with another man!!! Couldn't be further from the truth!! Just meant I was worried part of the reason DH never ever seems to try for sex may be because since having the twins I have become terribly unattractive but his flirty mate has allayed those fears somewhat... Off now.... Foot... Mouth...

overfullstockings · 31/12/2010 23:35

Find a way to sort this out soon as if you leave it too long it becomes a huge issue and insurmountable.

I think it's been three years now here (or maybe 2.5 can't remember) and it's awful. I can't see how we can salvage that side of things as it's been completely shut down and dh doesn't find me attractive .

Start by talking, get to Relate if you can't solve it yourselves.

Original poster

Citrusfruit · 31/12/2010 23:49

Thanks everyone. Will definitely approach it with dh rather than keep hoping it'll magically resolve.

I'm sorry and surprised to hear so many of you with similar troubles.

I had a traumatic birth and I think dh is still suffering post traumatic shock.

I wish you all well on your own journeys in 2011.

OP posts:

demodad · 01/01/2011 16:58

what sex life I had with DW certainly didn't recover after children. So I would certainly agree to bring it up sooner than later. I only see it being a bigger issue as time goes on and perhaps a deal breaker given time.

proudnscaryvirginmary · 01/01/2011 17:10

A close family member of mine recently got divorced because he had not had sex with dw for 6 years. As overfullstockings said, it will become an insurmountable issue and will break you.

Married people should have sex, otherwise they are just friends. Yes it can work for some, but not many, not many at all. Affairs are very likely, as is resentment, boredom, low self worth.

I rarely feel like sex but I rarely knock dh back if he initiates it as I know if he didn't, I never would and it would drift and drift. It's not alawys amazing but it feels good to be intimate and we are closer afterwards. And sometimes it is amazing.

Original poster

Citrusfruit · 02/01/2011 16:01

Yes I definitely want us to have a go at sorting this out but I don't even know where to begin.
I think writing a letter to dh would be easier than speaking face to face. It's just too embarassing.

Anyone tried RELATE for this kind of thing? How do you go about getting an appointment?

OP posts:

NinjaChipmunk · 02/01/2011 16:15

how about not initiating sex and telling dh so but saying you need the cuddles/ kisses etc without him feeling pressured into anything? maybe if he's feeling stressed he thinks he can't perform and so on in a viscous circle? after ds was born we didn't have sex for about 18 months as i was scared. eventually i got over it and now we are all good, although we still need to work on talking to each other more, and i'm guessing you do too? my advice is put the sex to one side to work on the relationship if you really love him.

soggy14 · 02/01/2011 19:10

we only had sex once in about 3 years after having the dc but are back to about once or twice a week now.

Spero · 02/01/2011 19:14

It all depends on what you both think about it and what makes you both happy. I am sure that some sexless relationships work because both partners are ok with that.

BUT the sexless relationships I have been in, or known about, generally disintegrated in unhappiness and bitterness because one partner wasn't ok with it and was left feeling rejected.

The more worrying thing, I think, is not so much the lack of sex but that he won't talk about it. It is something that concerns you and makes you sad. He should want to sort it out - it may be that his libido is low, this may be temporary or permanent, he may not know, he may need time, etc, etc, but to leave you stewing and confused is simply unfair and not the act of a loving partner.

pranma · 02/01/2011 22:07

Yes-very very happily for about 9/10 yrs since dh's heart attack-lots of cuddles,dont miss sex at all and we love one another very very much.The secret is that we both feel exactly the same way about it.

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