Is my marriage over?

[Memoo]

Dh and I have had a really tough year. I had dc 3 15 months ago and ended up with really bad pnd. In august this year things came to a head and I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a few weeks.

Things have been tense for many months now. Last night we argued and lots of things were said from both sides. Dh is full of resentment because he has basically had to carry me for this year. He feels that he has had to deal with everything on his own ie the dc, the house, and trying to hold down a job at the same time.

I feel unloved and like I'm not appreciated in anyway. I think dh feels I don't contribute anything to the family and I am just a burden.

I am so upset. Dh has gone out for a walk with the baby and I have locked myself away upstairs. Need to pull myself together for the sake of the dc but can't stop crying.

I do love dh but am so hurt and angry I don't know if there is any way back from this

OH dear Memoo - so :( to hear this. Sounds like you have had a rough year, all of you - but your DH shouldn't make you feel as though it's your fault, you hardly meant to get PND or need hospitalisation!

I don't think this needs to be the end but I do think some counselling might benefit you all - your DH obviously is feeling over-pressured and resentful at your illness (however bizarre that might be) and you may still be recovering from the effects of the illness - so perhaps a chance to talk things through with another party to "referee" woudl benefit you both.

Sad that it has happened today - but perhaps you can sort things out and clear the air? PLease come out of the bedroom and try and resolve things with DH when he comes back from the walk.

Good luck.

Oh, poor you. That does sound like a really, really tough year for both of you and most relationships would be tested by that.

I expect you are both probably exhausted, so both of you are likely to be tense and say things without really thinking. Obviously he shouldn't have said he's resentful but I guess everyone can feel resentful about bad circumstances, it doesn't mean he blames you, just he wishes things could be different.

Can you talk to him, explain how what he said has made you feel, and see what he says, rather than jumping to the worst conclusions? I doubt very much he thinks you are "just a burden". Really hope you manage to talk things through.

I am sure you can come through this. Everything you both said and feel is understandable, you can fix this. Have some counselling to learn how to really listen, care for and support each other and yourselves. This is marriage. Don't give up.

Have calmed downed a bit now. Going to get showered and go downstairs. Maybe it is a good thing that everything has come out. We've been creeping around each other for months now.

Its not going to be easy to talk, the older children are staying up tonight.

So sorry to hear what you've gone through. You do indeed both sound exhausted, and that is a recipe for saying/doing things you don't really mean.
Your marriage is not over, just going through a rocky patch (happens to most of us at some point). Keep talking to each other, continue to seek help for your pnd and above all don't blame yourselves or each other. You'll eventually come out of the other side of this unhappiness-hopefully stronger and closer. All the best.

It doesn't sound like this has to mean your marriage is over. What would be good is if you can talk and say that things have been said that have hurt each other and apologise for them. "In sickness and in health" and this is exactly what the vows are all about. You have been ill, your dh has had to do more than he normally would. It is just the way it goes some times. I hope you feel better very soon.

oh memoo :(
There must be support for the partners of people dealing with illnesses - this must be really common, surely? (And I'm not saying only he needs support - I think it's really important that you continue to recover without too much pressure to get 'back to normal')
I don't know who or what to suggest but hopefully someone knows where you could both go for support.

good post Fab

We do need to sit down and have a really good talk. I do really feel for him, he has had to hold everything together all this time and I guess there has been no support for him at all, our families are a bit rubbish so we are usually each others only support. I get to talk to my CPN and Psychiatrist, and of course you lovely lot whereas he has nobody.

Your marriage is not over.

I don't think it sounds bizarre to be resentful of your illness putting such a big burden on him. It is selfish, sure. But he is human and allowed to have moments of being less than perfect.

Memoo, didn't your DH post on here when you were unwell earlier in the year?

That he did that, and they way he wrote (IIRC) would not suggest a man who doesn't care- only a man who is now tired and stressed and wants someone to take care of him, which is understandable. Even if you are not able to look after him right now, acknowledge that he feels this way and that he has a right to.

I do not think your marriage is over.

Yes he did tethers, he has been absolutly amazing the whole time I have been ill. He hasn't once complained until last night, I guess he has reached his breaking point. He is back from his walk and is really upset about what he said and that we argued.

This is salvageable. It will just take kindness and time.

Memoo - if he is upset about it then that suggests he didn't really mean it but was just tired and frustrated beyond endurance.

HOpe you can put it behind you and allow each other time and space to relax and recuperate a little.

I think you're right. Maybe getting everything out will mean things actually start to get better.

Good luck :)

Memoo, your DH loves you very much, we all saw that this year.

We all reach breaking point sometimes and we say things we ought not to.

The fact that you yourself have said that you have showered and are feeling calmer is HUGE testament to how far you have come.

Take some breathing space, allow him the same and give each other the room to climb down from the hastily said comments of last night.

Time will heal this, meantime just breathe, relax and try to weather it. Things will be fine.

Remember, on here we often tell each other ACTIONS NOT WORDS. your DH Actions this year have spoken volumes. One throwaway comment in the heat of a row does NOT undo all that!

Thanks all for messages. We ended up having a lovely evening. Still haven't had chance for a long talk because of the dc being around but they will all be in bed early tonight so going to make the most of it. One thing that is clear now we have calmed down is that we both love each other very much and I guess that means we can workmthe rest of it out. Here's to 2011 being a good year for us all x

Good luck to you .

He probably does feel that it was all him for the last year. And as you say he had nobody to offload to. It was all going to come out at some point.

You obv love each other. And you can get through this. Lots of hugs. Lots of telling him you understand how hard it was (and how probably how scary too). Lots of talking. Some counselling may help if you can sort that.

And hopefully 2011 will be a better year for you both.

Best wishes for you both in 2011 :)

I found that when I had depression everything I felt was so End of the World and that the slightest cast in my direction was definite proof of that person hating me.

Learning to give it time and really challenge and think through what has happened and look at the wider picture is what has got me through recent blips/anxiety attacks.

FWIW, I bet he's regretting saying those things too.