Sister's weight/confidence problem

[LuluLozenge]

Just after some advice or some perspective, really. Sorry this is so long.

I think my younger sister has a problem with food. She is obsessed with preparing and eating food, to the point where she gets really agitated when she doesn't eat 'on time'. As soon as she's finished lunch she's discussing dinner. Whenever someone puts a plate of biscuits or cake down she steadily eats through them all. I am watching her grow larger and larger - she exercises quite a lot (runs three times a week, cycles two miles to work) but she just eats and eats so this exercise is like a drop in the ocean.

She has no body confidence and always looks really sheepish when someone points a camera at her or when she has to get changed in front of someone or whatever. She religiously deletes any pictures of herself on cameras.

What most concerns me is that she is 29 and has never had a relationship or even a fling. I have a partner and a baby on the way and I know she is envious - but she is very happy for me because she is a warm-hearted person. She's very sensitive and I know she would hate me to bring up relationships and whether she would like one, for example. I know she's had crushes etc in the past but they haven't been reciprocated. Once when we were talking about the upcoming baby she expressed disappointment that I wouldn't be living near my parents (they live on the other side of the world). I said "maybe you can settle down and have kids near them!" In kind of a lighthearted way. She said "who would I settle down and have kids with, lululozenge?" in such a hopeless way that my heart broke for her. It's as though she's given up and love/sex/relationships are not even an option for her.

So I guess what I'm trying to say (psychology 101 alert, sorry) is that I think she is replacing a relationship/dating/whatever with food.

I have found this really difficult to write because I feel so guilty, it feels like a betrayal. I have never voiced my fears about this to anyone. She is such an intelligent, warm-hearted and engaging person. She is confident in her job (quite an 'important' role which sees her managing a team - so she's confident in her professional life). She has a lot of friends. But I know she is lonely.

I'm not some size 10 bikini model myself, by the way. While I am not her size, I too am on the larger side but I have always been confident in the way I look and happy with myself. So I think the problem (as I see it) is not the food or the weight so much as the fact it is making her lonely and unhappy with herself.

About six months ago I emailed her about a program I'd found on the net that helped with diet and exercise and suggested we do it together. She was angry at first (fair enough - I had no idea how it would go because I have never brought this up before). I gently persisted and we ended up talking about it a little - not in depth. She admitted she needed to eat better. But it was never brought up again and she is so sensitive I don't want to push her away.

I just don't know what to do - I am so unhappy about this that I am awake some nights thinking about her and trying to think of ways I can help. Even though we are not hugely close we see each other often and talk about all manner of things - except her weight and relationships.

I just want to know if I should persist with trying to 'help', or if this will make her more unhappy. Should I let her naturally come to a realisation on her own?

Please be kind - I may sound like a pushy, interfering older sister but I am genuinely sad and worried.

Thank you.

(I'm a few time zones ahead of most of you so I will reply in a few hours).

If she does have a problem I'm not actually sure there is anything you can actually do. She has to want to change things. and it sounds like she doesn't want to.

I speak as someone who has recovered from disordered eating. No amount of other people could help . It tool for me to want to change.

As above, I don't think you can or should do anything about her eating. It's not your role. And sorry if this is wide of the Mark
but the comment you made to her about maybe her breeding near our parents plus emailing the diet thing would have my hackles up
if you were my sister.

Its very hard for someone on the outside looking in to understand. Its also very hard for the afflicted person because all they want to do is eat. Food has become her life, her comfort and solace. At the moment she probably cannot imagine living without the foods that give her so much pleasure.

After she eats, she has to deal with the guilt and self-loathing and the fact that the food she craves and loves is making her ultimately unhappy. She knows the damage she is doing but like any addict, she is unable to do anything about it at the moment. She has to reach the point where she wants to get better more than wanting the food. And she has to want this for herself otherwise she will never overcome it.

When I was in the grip of an eating disorder my bookshelfs groaned with dozens of self help books and diet books that promised to help me but did not. I threw them all out when I stumbled across Hungry by Allen Zadoff. Its a fantastic book about an American man who lost 200 pounds after a life time of struggling. You can buy it from Amazon - here is a excerpt - sorry i can't do the link thing:

www.allenzadoff.com/Allen_Zadoff_author_website/an_excerpt_from_Hungry_by_Allen_Zadoff.html

You should read it first, in order to give you an understanding but how to give it to her will be difficult because if she's not at the 'ready to help herself stage' she may just throw it in a corner and be at you for giving it to her.

I weighed 18.5 stone at my worst, today I weigh 13.5 stone. I still have 2 stone to lose and its still a struggle for me but I have overcome most of the deamons that drove me to overeat in the past.

I have a similar dilema with my sister, I have tried in the past to help, we joined weightwatchers together and she actually weighed 1lb less than me at the time, I lost weight rapidly and she didn't so she gave up and got angry with me I tried to encourage her to come to exercise classes with me, encouraged her to get a wii fit but it all went down like lead ballooons. She is now much bigger than she was when we started and I have tried not to mention it tbh because she just gets annoyed with me my sister is in a relationship and was thin when she met him, having been single and lost a lot of weight after her long term relationship had ended, now 3 yrs on she is so large she downed half a bottle of vodka before going to a family party because she was so ashamed of how she looked, last christmas she got very upset at a family party because someone implied she was pregnant. She is deeply unhappy about it but her partner seems to encourage her eating in a loving way and says she is beautiful (which she is) but it makes me sad to know how unhappy she is with her weight and I wish I could have helped more. I know she wants a baby but she's over 30 now and weighing as much as she does is going to make it fairly tricky I think. My sister is also badly asthmatic and her weight isn't helping that either

Sorry I don't have any advice just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Hairyfairy and Moopy - I think you're right. I need to step back and let her work it out for herself. Yes Moopy, I know I pissed her off. Not the breeding thing - that was kind of a joke about our family situation which is hard to explain out of context and she wasn't offended, but you're right, the email was probably out of order.

Showmeheaven - thanks, that is a really valuable insight. I think I will order that book to try and understand a bit more but I'm not sure about giving it to her, she would hate me. Maybe in time.

Lovemygirls - I'm so sorry, that sounds horrible, your sister sounds so sad. Family dynamics make it incredibly difficult to say anything but on the other hand, who other than family would ever try to help? I just don't think friends hold you to account as family do.

Thanks for your replies.