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husband gone, struggling

12 replies

Bermiegirl · 31/12/2010 10:10

I discovered in OCtober 1/2 term - on a family holiday, that my husband had been having an affair. I knew something wasn't right, as he was suddenly even angrier about everything I did/did'nt do, blaming me for all that was wrong in his life, coming home late, locking his phone etc. So, having got through 3 days of holiday knowing about his affair, whilst holding it together for the DCs sake, I confronted him on our return, and asked him to move out, which he did.
Since then, he has been living (in theory at least) at his parents, but in reality at OW's at least 1/2 the time. He is distant and cold to me, shouts at the DCs when he sees them, and up until xmas day, was telling me how wonderful things are. Anyway, as I've been working the last 3 days, he's been looking after DC's. But...suddenly, he's staying at his parents house, making effort for them at least, and very short tempered with the DC'c - swearing at them, and constantly criticising their behaviour and me (the same things he used to criticise me for when we were together). The DCs both tell me that Ex says he has "dumped" OW because she was treating him mike he was stupid, but not to me. Anyway, so I was considering things, and was thinking about would I take him back, but then consider how he's treated me over the last 5-6 years of marriage - mood swings, shouting when things aren't how he wants them, never helping with DCs, never tidying up after himself when I've been at work and him not etc.....
I then find out, through the powers of internet accounts, that he's still been in contact with OW. I feel such a fool for even thinking about him in a positive way.
Sorry for the ramble, just needed to vent. What advice would any of you give? Thanks Confused

OP posts:
spidookly · 31/12/2010 10:16

The ow is right. He is stupid.

Be thankful you are most of the way to having this shitbag out of your life.

No steps backwards to being in a miserable relationship with an abusive man.

VerityBrulee · 31/12/2010 10:16

He sounds dreadful, I'm sure your life will be better without him. Just keep on concentrating on you and your dc, get your solicitor to look after the finances and don't look back. DO NOT be tempted to take him back, you deserve better. Good luck Smile

PfftTheMagicDragon · 31/12/2010 10:16

At the moment, I would say that contact or not with the OW is irrelevant.

He treated you like shit when you were together and now that you are separated, he is still treating you like shit and shouting and swearing at your children.

Sounds like a charmer Hmm

AnyFucker · 31/12/2010 11:23

I would say thank your lucky stars it never went as far as you actually talking about taking him back.

Never let that thought enter your head again, and you will be fine.

Then, I would tackle the way he treats your chidren, because that is out of order.

TheVisitor · 31/12/2010 11:25

If he's shouting and swearing at the kids, you need to protect them. Feel glad that you've kicked him out, he sounds like a right charmer - not.

MassiveKnob · 31/12/2010 11:27

New year tomorrow, don't look back. It will have all gone wrong 'last year', so time to look forward with relief that the arsehole is no longer with you.

Bermiegirl · 31/12/2010 16:39

I know you're all right. I'm just s..t scarednof managing on my own. My confidence is down the swanny, from all the abusive things he's said to me over the years. I have friends, but they are all in couples, and do "couple" things together with other couples, so I just don't fit in. Sad
I am going into the new year tonight feeling scared and anxious about what the future holds

OP posts:
Lydwatt · 31/12/2010 16:54

From our perspective, reading what you have said, you face the New Year with an exciting chance to make things so much better for you and your kids, seriously! Really exciting!

I know it doesn't look like that to you and that the adjustments you will be making look huge, and I do feel for you.

You are better off without someone who makes you feel like this. You do have friends (even if they are couply) who will support you. And you will make news ones as your confidence comes back.

Can you make a kind of new Year promise list of things you can do to help with this? A promise to go out once a fortnight? Invite frinds over more?

Just think of how much better things will be this time next year!

Lydwatt · 31/12/2010 16:59

...hope that doesn't come across as over 'perky'...just wanted to help you see there is a positive to all this and that it will get better (from personal experience)

susiedaisy · 31/12/2010 17:10

don't have him back because from what you've said 1. hes a crap father and husband, 2. he would only be coming back because OW chucked him out, get through this period of adjustment of being on your own and then move on with your life, a crappy marriage is not better than no marriage at all, don't settle for him you will regret it in the long run, i am in week 4 of seperating from husband, spent 2 weeks at my parents house and moved back in with DCS 2 weeks ago and will be spending tonight just me and the kids some nice (but reasonably priced) food and the tv and its bliss after putting up with him for years, so it can be done,

SilverSparkle · 31/12/2010 23:25

Bermiegirl, as scared as you may be about what the year ahead may hold, isn't it better than knowing just how crap it definately would have been with him. Be strong and positive, it will get easier and you'll realise he did you a favour and you have a chance of being genuinely happy now.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 01/01/2011 10:50

Bermie, you can't take him back because you are worried about standing out from your friends. Aside from the sheer ridiculousness of that, anything could change at any time. This time next year, all your friends could be divorced, you could have met some new friends who are single. You could even have met another man - one who treats you well and doesn't shout at your children.

Take the fresh start that the new year seems to offer and run with it. You will feel amazingly better in a years time when you discover that actually, you can cope just fine.

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