DH doesn't want to visit his family any more

[stillfrazzled]

This is his business, I know, but since it bothers him, it upsets me and I don't know what's the right thing to say/do.

In a nutshell, DH comes from a v large family who all live more than 200 miles away - all within a few miles of each other. We try to visit three times a year.

They are a 'sweep it under the carpet' family, they never visit us, and most of them never call even to chat, including his parents. The only ones who do call tend to be the ones without kids, who are occasionally in our area.

DH used to make a point of ringing round and catching up every few months, but now says he won't do it any more because no-one ever reciprocates.

It's more difficult because his parents' views are getting more extreme and unpleasant as they get older, and one of his brothers (the only one I always thought was a twunt anyway) disowned DH this summer for something he's supposed to have said A YEAR AGO and can't remember saying anyway.

I've been trying to jolly him along and maintain the contact and point out that it's easier for us to visit everyone, we're more mindful of the distance so call more, and so on. But last night he said if it wasn't for me nagging he wouldn't bother, so now I feel I shouldn't push him.

WWYD? I love most of the family, and so does he. He's just hurt and I don't know how to help.

Sorry for length if you're still reading.

When you say they never visit - do you invite them, and they say "no"? Or do they never ask to come? If the latter, then could you pick the sibling dh gets on with best and invite them? Point out that you always travel to them and it isn't fair?

Instead of ringing round, could he send an email to them all, with pics of the kids, a few times a year? Less effort, and really easy for them to click Reply, so he might get some responses.

Or you could just have a rest. Not disowning them or "not visiting any more" but just not visiting for now. No big decisions, just forget about them and enjoy your own lives for a bit.

It depends whether some of them are worth keeping the relationship with, but just useless at communicating (in which case, give them a shove, tell them your dh is hurt). Or if you don't think it is worth the effort - in which case, give up. If they were friends rather than family, what would you do?

It's grim I know. We're "not visiting for now" with my parents, because we got fed up with them making no effort (to the point of not even talking to our children when we visit). It hurts. I want them to be different. Where's my magic wand?

People like your DH who have come from dysfunctional families play roles. He seems to be the scapegoat for their inherent ills.
Not surprised he's hurt; he's had a lifetime too of it.

Your good self, like many people, have fortunately come from a family unit where this type of toxic dysfunction is unknown and it is very hard to deal with. You need to realise though that his family will never play by the "normal" rules governing familial behaviours. They will never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. They're quite happy to blame you both as you have already seen.

Why do you anyway want to maintain any sort of contact with these unpleasant people?. Because they are family?. You would not tolerate this from a friend, family are really no different in that regard.

You have both done all the running here and you've got nothing back apart from his brother disowning him for no good reason. What does that tell you about his family?.

If you want to help him you need to fully support his decision re contact. You cannot and should not be forcing the issue at all by maintaining contact and saying that, "it is easier for us to visit everyone". That tactic would work in "normal" families but your DH's family is not and have never have been a normal, healthy functioning one.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward and your DH reads "Toxic Parents" by the same author.

When you find your wand, fruitful, can I have a borrow? You put it so exactly right.

The email is an excellent idea - most of the contact he does get is via Facebook anyway.

They are mostly lovely people who have small children and jobs and all live near each other anyway, so don't really ring because eventually they'll bump into each other at their mum's. We slip through the net because we are so far away.

I've been saying for years 'come down and stay', but only the single ones do. Which I understand - is a MASSIVE faff to load car and kids and drive five hours; at least when we do it we see loads of people, so more bang for the buck IYSWIM.

A rest might be an idea. DS2 is due in six weeks so we have a built-in excuse.

I just want them to be better, like you - and with two sons (and no more DC) in prospect, I'm haunted that one day my boys will pull as far away from the family as DH has...

X-post with Attila, sorry.

I will get those books and have a read, although I'd never thought of most of them as toxic - lovely but thoughtless, mostly.

The BIL is a total twat and I will never speak to him again even if he does deign to dis-disown us, and MIL and PIL are necessary evils so we can see everyone else, to me.

I have realised that I am undermining DH and need to support his choice, so am going to go entirely with what he wants. My only concern was that he was cutting contact with everyone, even the ones he loves, because he'd been soured by useless parents and a horrible brother.

But as you say, it is not for me to force the issue.

They won't get "better" I am sorry to say, such people rarely if ever change.

You wrote this of them originally:-
"They are a 'sweep it under the carpet' family, they never visit us, and most of them never call even to chat, including his parents. The only ones who do call tend to be the ones without kids, who are occasionally in our area".

Hope e-mail works out better for him; if you DH wants to maintain any contact with them then it needs to be purely his decision to do so.

I think you should respect his views, and maybe not go see them in 2011. But I would agree that contact should be made and maintained somehow, maybe by inviting people down for the weekend? SO start now....issue an invite for eg Easter to the parents. May bank holiday weekend for a sibling, August for another. See how many you can get down!

It may be that when you get families away from the extended unit, and spend some good times with them, you can break the cycle. - start building more mature relationships based on mutual interests and shared experiences, not based on a cup of tea duty visit at Aunty Mary's twice a year.

After a very difficult Christmas, I don't particularly want to visit my family anymore either. They are 260 miles away. They

I think the problem with dispersed families, is that when you visit, the effort of getting there is so much that you really have to stay a few days, which is always going to be a bit much for anyone.

I think you should be specific with invites and issue an invite with a plan, rather than just "come and see us" - eg, "why not bring the kids down in May, we could go to XXX (super fun place) for the day on Saturday, and theres a great YYYYY (superfun place number 2) close by for Sunday..."

If the relationship with e.g. cousins is limited to duty visits, the idea of staying a weekend can be daunting, unless you know that you wont be stuck indoors staring at eachother!

That's a good plan, too, as long as DH decides that he likes the idea - and they do actually turn up!

PILs have made noises about visiting once DS2 is born (they will drive me potty but at least they'll be making the effort). Will see about getting some of the others down over the year.

We had this situation in reverse, my father is an awful man, and I decided that it was better for me that I didn't speak to him anymore.
Luckily my mother had finally kicked him out so I can still talk to her without dealing with him but I no longer have contact with one of my siblings after they cut us all off.
It hurts, whichever side of it you are on, but for my own sanity and my DC's protection I could not have anything further to do with him.
DH comes from a lovely normal family, he had no idea what to do or how to react when I told him or he witnessed things as it was so far out of his frame of reference he could make no sense of it.

He took the route of just going along with what I decided and backing me up in my decisions, however random they seemed to him (like travelling 250 miles to see my father and then changing my mind at the last minute). I love him for supporting me even though he does not and cannot ever fully understand why I do this (although he has a damn good idea..)

DO not suggest anything, this is your DH's decision.

I often wonder whether this day will come with OH's parents, he sees them but they aren't close. But this Christmas was fine with no problems, so we're ok for now at least.

I really like both of them even if they are a bit odd, but it's more about OH's upbringing and the things that happened when he was a child. TBH I'm amazed he even sees them at the moment, some of the stories he's told me.

Anyway, in my experience you need to enable him to maintain the relationship with your support - but respect his choice if he decides he wants some time out or to cut ties.

It's easy to think "oh well I love them/get on with them" but a relationship with inlaws can be very different to the experience when they're your parents - for good or for bad.