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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel emotionally blackmailed

33 replies

ItsGrimUpNorth · 30/12/2010 18:37

We've just had in laws, my parents, my brothers, their wives and kids for three days over Christmas. We had fun. It was hard work but we all enjoyed it. I was thinking it was how Christmasses should be.

My in laws, my dad and brothers stayed in a hotel as our house isn't big enough but were with us all day, every day from Christmas Eve to the end of Boxing Day. We had a good time.

My in laws found out that we are in their town in January as I'm going up for my friend's 40th birthday party. And I've arranged to visit my other brother who wasn't able to visit at Christmas. We're in town for one night only and I thought we'd stay with my mum for that one night and visit my brother on the Sunday after the party before we head home.

My mil is apparently "distraught" that we won't have time to visit her. We're actually seeing her and fil two weeks later - staying for the weekend in her house - and again two weeks after that, they're coming to visit us and other friends for the weekend.

My fil has sent me an email saying mil is getting in a tizzy that she won't be seeing us that weekend and because she's ill - gets very vexed and angry about stuff - can we please fit her in? But if we fit her in, it'll mean less time with my brother and his family who I've not seen for months, it'll all be rushed etc. I feel really quite hacked off at his nerve frankly especially after this past week.

I'm tired of fil telling me how "ill" mil is and making it our responsibility to keep her happy by calling her as often as possible, sending photos all the time etc. It's making me feel like unless we do what she wants, she'll just get ill and upset.

Is this right? She's 58, good physical health now, doesn't work, doesn't do anything really.

I can see this getting worse and worse as he retires next year and they start to look for us to keep them busy and entertained. We see them on average every six weeks for a weekend.

I want to nip it in the bud. What's the best way to do this?

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 30/12/2010 18:39

she's jealous. call her on it and tell her to grow up. you are visiting her plenty after that weekend. she is just jealous that you are spending time with your family.

Littlefish · 30/12/2010 18:41

Get your dh to write and say that it's just not possible this time, but that you really enjoyed their company at Christmas, and are looking forward to seeing them two weeks later.

It really is down to him to sort out as its his mother.

HerBeatitude · 30/12/2010 18:42

I think just e-mail back with a made up agenda - sorry, at 10AM we are going to x, at 12 we are lunching, at 3PM we have a panto, at 7PM we are meeting friends of brothers for dinner, etc. - no space at all.

The only other option is a straightforward no.

Or you could point out htat your DB is "distraught" at the idea that you might cut short your time with him. Oh and his family -s o your nieces and nephews? Even better.

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 30/12/2010 18:43

But apparently she's on medication, seen a psychiatrist etc. It'll be very easy for me to be demonised if I call her on it in that way, wouldn't it?

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 30/12/2010 18:44

doesn't matetr what meds she is on. she has no right to monopolise your time and dictate what you do when you are local to her.

clam · 30/12/2010 18:44

Leave it a day or two, then reply saying that you're really sorry, but you're really pushed for time that particular weekend but are looking forward to seeing them and spending longer with them the following fortnight.
Don't enter into a discussion about it. If he persisits, just say, "yes it's a shame, I know, but it's not possible." and repeat, repeat, repeat.

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 30/12/2010 18:44

Just email back and say "unfortunately we don't have time on this visit but are really looking forward to seeing you on..."

Or alternatively, as I learnt on here, NO is a complete sentence Grin

She is being manipulative.

clam · 30/12/2010 18:46

Then maybe the psychiatrist can counsel her through the trauma of what you're inflicting her with! Hmm

ChippingIn · 30/12/2010 18:53

You do need to start putting your foot down or they will get very controlling and you wont enjoy their company anymore, which would be a shame.

I would reply saying you loved seeing them for such a long period over Christmas (setting out your stall that 3 days is a long visit) and that you are looking forward to seeing them again really soon (another stall setter - 5-6 weeks is 'really soon') but next time you are in their town you are visiting your brother and going to your friends 40th and there isn't anytime for any other visiting.

Ignore the MIL is stressed/ill stuff, that is their issue.

Don't be too apologetic or they'll see it as you being in the wrong and you aren't.

Don't change your plans otherwise they'll expect you to do this all the time.

They are young - you could have MANY years of them being retired... start putting boundaries in place now or you'll end up with them on the doorstep or wanting you at theirs all the time.

Hassled · 30/12/2010 18:54

Don't be rushed into an immediate response - there's no need. Don't reply to the email for a couple of days - bide your time and then yes, come up with a full and detailed agenda which shows there is just no time.

Don't back down on this - it will be a hideous slippery slope.

ChippingIn · 30/12/2010 18:54

FIL should be helping MIL get things into perspective - NOT guilting everyone into doing what suits her and only her.

Snorbs · 30/12/2010 19:05

Seriously? I'd get DH to deal with this otherwise it will just end up with FIL being MIL's mouthpiece and you being DH's. That's never going to work. Your DH needs to tackle this with both of them.

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 30/12/2010 19:44

Shit.

Now fil has emailed to say he realises he's being daft asking us to visit that weekend but that he feels so alone, trying to stop mil crying, the strain is too much and he doesn't know what to do to make it better. He tries to avoid her constantly crying by accommodating her unreasonable demands. He said he was feeling sorry for himself when he sent the email asking us to visit.

He must be under a lot of strain. But we won't visit because it's not possible.

OP posts:
Hassled · 30/12/2010 19:55

Is it maybe a time for a discreet call to her GP (either your DH or FIL) to ask for a bit more support and see if anything else can be done for MIL? The strain can't be doing him any good at all - poor guy.

None of this should affect your wish to spend time with your brother though - stick to your guns on that.

CarGirl · 30/12/2010 19:55

Sounds like she needs CBT and he needs to help understand how to deal with it?

Tough one. Any books you can send him to read up on the subject of supporting someone?

mamas12 · 30/12/2010 19:56

I think fil needs to see a counsellor too imo.
Really the over reacting going on there is not your responsibilty at all.

Whatever you do. Keep to your plans and your dh should be making sure that his parents both get some help.

Once you give an inch the maipulation WILL escalate. BUT if stand firm now and act reasonably then they will be less inclined to try it on in future.

Also be prepared for some reaction on the weekend you are with them. In that case I would let dh tell them not to spoil the time they do have with you.

ChippingIn · 30/12/2010 20:01

Oh dear :(

It sounds like the situation is really, really bad. I bet your poor FIL is not looking forward to retiring!

He needs to get her back to her GP and get them both some help. If he agrees to do this I would probably relent and go for an hour sometime over the weekend.

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 08/01/2011 08:53

She's having CBT every week apparently.

Just been told by DH she's "raging" about us not visiting them.

She can rage. I've lost sympathy because she sounds like as spoilt princess. She needs to learn we don't revolve around her.

In a very bad mood now because I feel guilty and I totally shouldn't because we've just had them for three days and we're seeing them twice in February. I don't want to see them anymore than that. I have other friends and family I want to see and who want to see us.

If I stand up to her unreasonable behaviour now, she'll get the message and stop trying to dictate what we should do with our time.

OP posts:
ModreB · 08/01/2011 09:50

FGS - how old is she? I am sorry, but she needs to bloody well grow up and stop being so bloody stupid Angry

"Raging" about you not going to see her - tell her she needs to sit on the naughty step.

ledkr · 08/01/2011 10:10

mine has been stropping for months cos i dont want her and fil staying at my house for a week when i have my section on 27th.I have stuck to my guns and so must you or we will be dictated to for yrs.

monkeyflippers · 08/01/2011 10:24

Stick to your guns as other have said. If you give in now you'll be giving in forever. The fact that she is having problems isn't YOUR problem. You are seeing them loads already by the sound of it.

proudnscaryvirginmary · 08/01/2011 10:30

I feel sorry for anyone with mental health issues as your MIL seems to have, so the more harsh remarks on here about her 'growing up' are imo nasty.

However totally agree you must, must, must stick to your guns with her. You cannot succumb every time because she's not well, you are doing the right thing.

I sympathise. I have a toxic mother who used to guilt trip me horribly and I'd either end up giving in or having a big emotional confrontation or apologising profusely - ALL of which played into her hands.

About 10 years ago my wonderful husband helped me to see I had to do things on my terms, and not explain myself so much or get drawn into any drama. Firm but kind, and very much keeping her at arm's length. it has worked extremely well as, like a naughty child, she realises her histrionics won't get her anywhere. If she is reasonable I will always respond and actually see quite a lot of her.

Nowadays the emotional texts/emails/letters are few and far between but if I do get them I ignore them or give to dh before I've even read them and he will delete or burn!!!

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/01/2011 00:28

I just feel panicky about it all now. I feel like she's trying to exert control over what we do, who we see and when we do it.

I think I'm starting to totally over react about it now because she was so like this and worse when ds1 was born. It brings back bad memories when dh wouldn't tell her to buzz off and stop being so interfering. Ah, the over sensitive new mother syndrome, I know but it's a not a good feeling when you think someone else is trying to dictate things.

It's silly because I'll do as I please - which isn't much because I rarely do as I please - regardless.

OP posts:
PolythenePam · 09/01/2011 00:41

I can really appreciate your feelings on this....especially your guilt (not that I'm saying you have reason to feel guilty - you certainly don't) but the others are quite right you know....on this occasion it is not possible and that is that.

You state kindly but firmly that your time in their locality is already spoken for, as you have not seen your brother in months, and that yopu look forward to seeing them a fortnight later. No more.

You are not responsible for her mental health. You can be sympathetic, but you are not responsible.

For what it's worth....there is nothing that will make me harden to a person's plight more, than emotional blackmail. Can't stand it. It's a horrible thing to do.

jasper · 09/01/2011 00:57

get your dh to reply "We won't be able to visit on this trip as time is tight but look forward seeing you soon"

No need to use the word sorry

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