How to get DH to *do* more??

[Teachermumof3]

A quick bit of background-DH and I met at University, have been together for 13 years, married for 10 and have three children-8,5 and 2. He works f/t and I work p/t.

He has hated his job over last 5 or so years and has been made redundant and then found similar work (which he hated!) but is now in a slightly different line of work-is happier, though now has a long commute and is out of the house from 7.30-7.30. I fully appreciate that as I am there, I end up doing the bulk of the housework-which is fine.

What really bugs me, is that when for any reason he is back to do bedtime, or at the weekends-it still falls to me to do it all. If I call down for him to help at that crucial bit of bedtime when all 3 need something at the same time-he just happens to be doing something 'important' (if I say-'can't it wait'-the answer is always 'no')-be it checking work emails/phoning his mum/blowing his nose...) He then pops up ten minutes later when it's all done-and says 'anything I do?' I don't mind doing everything if he's not actually in the house-but why should I kill myself when he just can't be bothered to help.

He's the same with the housework-does very little. He used to cook all the time, but since having kids that falls to me as I'm there. He will sometimes now, but it will get to meal time and when I say 'what shall we have'-I get, 'I'm not really hungry'-well the rest of us are! He does turn washing round if asked and will clean a room (just one room-but thoroughly...) but often only if I'm moaning about the house being a mess.

If I complain about anything-he replies that he works full time and I work p/t-'wanna swap' in a borderline aggressive way! He can get quite 'bitchy' in arguments and twists things I say, so to be honest I tend not to complain to much and get on with things to avoid an argument. He has had periods of stress/depression and has been known to just slam the door and stomp off out of the house or smash things in an argument so it's always been easier to just get on and do xyz myself. I am aware that I probably sound like a victim of domestic/verbal violence which I don't think I am-but I am aware that I haven't helped myself by just accepting things to avoid his strops.

How do I reasonably get him to do stuff-I feel like I have simmering resentment over lots of little things, but it's never 'worth' it exploding about, so I just get on and simmer. Now, I think he would be stunned that I'd never said anything before-but I suppose he needs to realise that that's my reaction to him being stroppy.

I want him to do 50% of stuff when he's here-not expect me to have to do everything because I only work part time. It pisses me off when he does very little around the house, throws the 'I work full time-let's swap' line at me if I complain and then still wants sex at night

WhenwillIfeelnormal, I do agree with your post.

I think it is a matter of give and take.

my last post was focussed on "accepting" some things, but I guess it is also necessary to make sure you draw a line somewhere.

I agree about women judging other women on children's clean clothes, presents, etc. There is a funny thread going right now saying that it is unacceptable for women to use frozen roasties, but fine for men (the poor dears don't know any better) which illustrates this.

I have been very aware of this for years now, and have made the conscious decision to step back at times.

In the beginning, DH would txt me asking "what have you got planned for DC's tea?!" and I would let him figure it out for himself.

Small stuff, but he had to learn a few things.

Eg he said he did not know how to iron. I know women who then end up ironing their DH shirts for the rest of their lives. More fool them.

I taught him how to do it. Took 10 minutes.

Personally I do not believe in nagging or martyrdom (OP has to watch out for this)but in making things very clear.

They key is not in conversations starting with "You never do..." or "I always..." but instead ask: "I am giving the DC a bath now, could you maybe take the rubbish out? Put the veg on?". That way you form habits of joint responsibility.

This wisdom has taken me years to come by though.

I think if you ask your DH to help with a simple job, and he says "no" you may need to have a more serious conversation, but I find that small requests usually get done.

Chandon you work along the same lines as I do.
I give a choice. 'ok the bins needs putting or the catsick needs clearing up, which one do you want to do?'
I always present the two choices where I know which one he would rather do or even which one I would rather do so pick and choose what gets done.

But Chandon, even if he agrees to do anything at all, that leads to another aspect of wifework--that a lot of the effort isn't just in doing the work but making sure it gets done, that there's food for someone to cook, that whoever is doing the shopping knows what to buy, that the DCs' football boots are packed for school on a Thursday, etc etc. That's one reason why so many women find it so much easier to cope on their own after splitting with their DPs-they have to do everything themselves but they only have to do the planning for one instead of two.

I honestly think that men just don't see what we see sometimes.
My situation is a bit like yours - except In don't work at the moment - I was teaching part-time in a college, but lost my hours with all the cuts this year.
I have just had a big argument with DH about this very thing - him not contributing like I do, and he always brings up "you don't realise how good you've got it - you don't work, blah, blah, blah"....
He works away from home in a stressful but well-paid job - a job he took to give us financial security, and we agreed that it was good for me to work no more than part-time (if at all) so that at least one of us could always be there for DD, as he was away so much.
Obviously, I do most of the housework, washing etc (although I confess to a washing pile the height of DH, and an extreme aversion to ironing) - I don't object to doing it, as obviously I am here, and able to do it.
The thing that winds me up is that over holidays and weekends is that he seems to think he shouldn't have to do much at all - I can get him to do a shop and put DD to bed, but if I just left him to it, he would be on the computer/his phone all frigging day, and never, ever thinking about entertaining his DD, or putting the dishwasher on etc.
We have always fallen out about housework, and the only way we get through it, is by me changing the way I deal with it - I can't change him, after all. So, I try to give him options, or ask what he would like to help with - but his lack of oomph bleeds me dry at times, and God help him if I've got raging PMT.....
I also know that if I did work, and even if it was full-time, I would still do loads more than he does....he doesn't realise how much I do - for Xmas, for example, I have bought all the presents, wrapped them,posted them, sent the cards, cooked all the food, and sorted most of the decorations. He can't even remember the dates of this mom and dads birthdays!!
He does deal with the finances/bills, as I refuse to do that.
I am convinced he thinks what I do is a doddle and that I sit on my arse most of the time, and he resents that he works in a stressful job....
Part of me would love for see how he would cope if I wasn't there for a few weeks. I honestly find it much easier to cope with everything when he isn't around......how telling is that?

I don't think having a discussion alone will essentially change his behaviour. He behaves like this because it suits him and it's easy. These guys all lived independently once ( at uni) and probably shared things 50/50 in the early days when you were both working full time, but once you go on maternity leave things usually change for the worse. My DH used to say what's the point in trying to come home half an hour earlier if you expect me to work at home!! Not many men say this but lots think it.

Loved the comment about not being hungry, it must be such a stock in trade one - however, the hunger always magically comes back by the time you've cooked the meal & woe betide you if you haven't cooked for them too.

I would suggest going away for at least a week and let him see what needs to be done, can't you accompany a school trip or do a 'very important' CPD course. Apart from that stop doing his ironing, taking his clothes to the dry cleaners, basically anything that if omitted will not impact on you & the children. Also, the odd ready meal can save a lot of time.

Also, don't cover up his behaviour with friends / family and make him appear to be doing more than he does. A bit of public shame can be v effective.

quiddity, but in the long term you form new habits.

Right now DH is folding and sorting laundry whilst I am MN-ing.

It becomes a habit to both see and do things without thinking IYSWIM.

lovemysleep, I could have written your post! My situation is practically identical & I am following this thread for tips.

I think the idea about direct requests is good, DP was at home last weekend (xmas) and one of the days, in the morning, I said, 'today, can you do x & y', not big jobs but 'things needing done', anyhoo, he spent a lot of time surfing net, watching TV until about 6pm & I remineded him of x & y, 'you want me to do that now?' was his response, 'well, yes, thats why I told you in the morning'
I didn't nag or comment any further &
he did do them.

LadyLapsang, I think my DP thinks that too, why come home half an hour earlier to 'work' at home, grr

I've been ill & DP was home early one day, got DS (v passive aggressive, I know!) to ask DP to make his dinner (it was 6.30pm), DP immediately answered no , cheeky bugger, I called him on it & he squirmed about it. I was amazed at his initial response though.

Teacher I think it is really important to get this sorted out. You said your DH has a mum who is a martyr and he doesn't respect her for that. This is the pattern of family life he thinks is normal.

You need to work out a more modern compromise that reflects your working hours and gives you both time with the DC and time to do your own thing. I really wish I had addressed this fifteen years ago instead of letting the resentment build and build until it has destroyed my marriage.

It is amazing seeing how well DH is rising to the challenge since I walked out and left him to it three months ago. He could have done that at any time but had no incentive because I looked after him and made it easy for him to contribute nothing.

I thought I was indispensible but actually I wasn't.

ACT NOW! New Year new start!

Why do women (obviously not all women) think they are indispensable when it comes to running a house?

Is it a control thing? Or peer pressure?

I have to say I am a litle shocked sometimes that some of us say that they want their partners to help with housework, that includes loads of tasks, but then refuse to do specific ones that help him - ironing shirts seems to be a key one - surely if you iron his shirts that helps him out a great deal, and then if he takes the bins out that helps you, and then if he fixes the car and mows the lawn, that helps both of you, and if you half and half the dishes etc or you do the laundry whilst he gets the diy kit - why do some of you think that all male chores are him doing something he enjoys and all 'female' chores are undesirable and unfair if you do them?

Heroine, I think it's less to do with male or female chores (if there is such a thing) and more to do with time spent working, either outside or inside the home.

OP has 3 young children and works outside the home yet her DH thinks it's ok to stomp out if they have an argument (wonder who he thinks will be doing the childcare when he does this?)and avoids pulling his weight at home during the evenings and weekends.

I have re-read the original post and I can't see OP saying that he does DIY or fixes the car but she does say he has to be asked to do household chores and is very reluctant to 'help' (should probably read take some responsibility).

Heroine, you make too many assumptions.

Apart from most chores in the house, I also do car maintenance (all of it), DIY and ALL garden work.

That is why the shirt ironing for him, for me, is the bit I don't do.

I do not expect him to do the traditional "men's jobs", but that also means he does not automatically expect me to iron his shirts iyswim.