my mother is upset and I have no idea what to do.

[crispface]

very short background: My mother was the unwanted final child of a very difficult (violent) relationship. She was beaten and told she was unwanted a lot as a child. She is a positive, energetic adult who threw her whole life into her family and has brought me and my sister up to be very close, with good futures.

My dad is calm, patient, restrained, but rather emotionally detached.

They are both in their mid-60's.

From time to time mum has "episodes" where her and dad will have a huuuuge row and she will go off for a walk/drive/whatever to calm down. The argument is then forgotten until the next one. The last time this happened was about 7/8 months ago.

And then today....This morning she phoned asking to see us later, we arranged we'd catch up this afternoon as we had friends around this morning. my husband, dd and I went out for lunch and when we got to our destination, we had a call from mum who was crying, explaining she'd had a pointless row with dad and she wants to see us. We said we'd finish lunch then come home, but she could stay at our house until then. She asked me not to tell dad she was there and I agreed not to ring him.

Instead I called my sister who is in the area visiting friends, she went to make sue mum was ok. Mum hit the roof saying no-one was to know where she was, and now she'd have to leave - she got in her car and went. We returned to an empty house.

According to my sister, mum was in a complete state, crying and aying she will leave dad, she can't live like this

Mum is prone to over-emotional outbursts, she often fees like the world is ganging up on her, she cannot take anyone disagreeing with her, she will not say sorry.

Dad is sat in his house drinking coffee. I have not spoken to him.

I am pretending all of this has not happened (I panic a bit in such overly emotional situations, - I am not particularly emotionally intelligent) - what should I do? I feel wretched, like mum wanted to see me and that I should try and sort this out, but it's not that easy is it

I have no idea what I want anyone else to say or do really, I think I just needed to get this off my chest :)

I think that you should talk to your dad.It sounds like your mum needs professional help.

Unless of course, your dad is abusive?I am assuming not but he could be? in which case, help your mum to get away.

Blimey - I don't even know if a highly emotionally intelligent person would know what to do with that behaviour, so firstly don't beat yourself up about not knowing what to do.

A couple of things spring to mind ... starting with the very obvious. Does she have any history of mental health issues? With her background, I would guess this is a significant risk. If she doesn't, would she consider going to her GP to talk about her coping mechanisms?

It also sounds like this is attention seeking of the highest order - of the type you would expect from a toddler. If she gets the result she wants, you are complicit to her tantruming. I would let the whole situation calm down and speak to her in a few days if you can. There's no point trying to get a rational response from someone in such a highly emotional state. Also, you have responsibilities too and she must recognise this.

I have a Grandmother who tantrums like this, even into her 90s. We have hoped she would change all her life to no avail. I think it's undiagnosed mental health issues, but she is very suspicious of doctors so won't go near them.

I don't know if this is much help.

On the stately homes thread there are many ladies there who were abused as children and are struggling in their adult lives, you may get some insight there into what your mother is feeling. It sounds like she has a lot of emotional problems left over from her childhood and could be coming out now, this happened to my mum when she hit the menopause. Sounds like you need to talk to someone to work out how to cope with this and she definitely sounds like she needs therapy.

I suggest you do a google for emotional abuse+survivors. Out of the fog is a good site, this would give you an insight into what your mum is going through.

Driving away in tears was something my mum did, she was so upset and ashamed she couldn't face her family, it is a cry for help, and I really recommend you as a family talk to her calmly to see if she can start some therapy.

Well, big hug from me first off. Absolute pain when your own parents behave worse than teenagers or toddlers. I suggest you use toddler tactics - ignore the bad, praise the good when it finally happens.

Your mum is in a paddy. You said yourself she does this then calms down. So give her some time and some space and let her calm down.

Avoid doing anything that might 'feed' her tantrum. Wait for her to contact you.

Do NOT apologise and it is NOT your job to try to sort this out. She is old enough to control her temper and to behave reasonably; not worth any attempt at adult conversation until she is back in the adult world, IMHO.

Thank you very much for your insight :)

I will do as you suggest and leave her to calm down for a few days, it is just so awful knowing she is upset somewhere (for whatever reason). I am a fixer so ignoring people is hard for me. However a good friend is coming over tonight with a bottle of wine.

I have wondered if mum needs help, and I like the idea of her approaching the doctor for coping strategies - it certainly holds less blame than the suggestion of anything else.

Dad is most certainly not in any way abusive. I have never seen him raise his voice or hand, and is very laid back. He believes she is like a child when she has her tantrums.

well, just some thoughts on it.

Your mum was unloved as a child and treated very badly. Poor poor woman.

This has probably left a lot of emotional scars.

One of them will be fearing she isn't loved.

She may very well do this every now and again because she desperatly wants her husband to show her that he loves her.

He is being emotionally cold when she what she needs is for him to come after her and wrap his arms around her and tell her that he loves her.

Maybe it's a test. A test he fails, time and time again.

Perhaps she wants to see that she matters. that someone cares enough to come after her.

By sitting back, seeing the 'tantrum', drinking coffee and ignoring her, she may be left feeling like that unloved child all over again.

yes Happy, that is what upsets me :(

have you tried putting it this way to your dad?

Maybe all your mum needs is to feel loved by him. If he is a cold person, then someone who went through her childhood unloved, well, it's going to destroy them. Maybe these dramatic displays are a desperate cry for a demonstration that she is loved, that she matters.

If that's the case, how awful that someone feels they have to do something like that because they feel so unloved.

I have spoken to dad, and whilst I haven't put it as emotionally or eloquently as you suggest Happy I have asked him to think about why mum behaves like this, and what she wants.

He doesn't accept it is attention seeking behaviour, or that she acts like this because she wants anything. He believes she doesn't like being disagreed with, and it is as simple as that.

I have text mum telling her she is loved and saying we're sorry we never got to see her today. I don't see how I can realistically do any more :(

Being with someone who is "calm, patient, restrained, but rather emotionally detached" could be emotional torture for your mother.

She possibly chose your dad because of the familiar childhood feeling of emotional 'neglect' she got from him, but from time to time that basic human need to be acknowledged, loved & accepted surfaces and is ignored.

Your poor mum

You can't do any more crispface - you sound like a lovely, supportive daughter.

It's not your relationship to sort even if you could.

All you can do is be there for your mum.

I was very sympathetic to your mum until I got to "She will not say sorry"--that set little alarm bells ringing, tbh.
What usually happens after one of these blow-ups? Are they swept under the carpet? Can you/your dad/someone talk to her calmly about them then?
But you also need to bear in mind that doing something to help is one thing, but it's not your responsibility to fix your mum's problems whatever they are and however bad. Encouraging her to get counselling is probably the best way for you to help her, not reinforcing her current coping patterns, which clearly don't work for her.

Agree with those who say you have to step back a lot. Text your mum to apologise and point out that she didn't make it clear about keeping her whereabouts secret from your sister, so how were you to know? And leave it with her for a day or two.

She has her own demons to wrestle with; it sounds like she mostly does ok, just sometimes it all rushes together to be too much.

My mother was also a final unwanted child who struggled to say Sorry and let bygones be bygones.

hormoneshollyandivy thank you, yes my sister has just said "i think they need to sort this out themselves" and I think she is right.

quiddity they generally ignore these blow-ups. In years gone by during the menopause, dad had been known to force her to the doctors as he couldn't live with her - recently I have taken her to the chemist and bought her vitamin B because the symptoms of vitamin B deficiency in adults sounds very much like my mum - I have no idea if she is taking them though, I will however be asking her when this episode is over.

ragged she does mostly do ok, and I have stepped back, as far as she and dad are concerned, it just eats away at me - I hate seeing or knowing people are unhappy.

I haven't heard anythign more so I'm guessing she is home in bed