Have been with dp for 10 years, and we have 2 lovely children of 2 and 5. Dp and I got together after he left his wife (a substance abuser). He had much guilt over leaving as she was very dependent on him and the first 3-4 years of our relationship were much about damage control in that respect. Divorce at that point was an unthinkable option. We had issues in that he lied to me about his contact with her (the extent of it) and would hide his phone etc (ftr I never thought he was sleeping with her, more that she was still his strongest emotional tie). Eventually things improved, we had dc1, and that was magical, then we moved home and dc2 came along as planned.
Dp is 20 years older than me (I am 36). Although that was not a big issue at the start of the relationship (45 seemed reasonably young) I am starting to really feel it now, but I feel that I have probably made my bed on that score and I shouldn't complain.
Dp suffers from depression (usually 2-3 days of feeling very very low every 4-6 weeks). Over this year his depressive episodes have been getting longer and more frequent. As he feels this is inexplicable, he has got ADs which for some reason he is yet to take (I have asked him but got an evasive answer). When he is depressed he is pretty vile towards me (never physically but sneering and condescending). He on the other hand thinks I am unsupportive when he needs me most. I guess there is truth on both sides, although I feel like I have tried really hard to support him over the years.
Dp is an excellent father (and he knows it) - creative, patient, loving, caring, thoughtful, emotionally demonstrative. In our own relationship he is rarely like this, to be fair neither am I. We don't kiss anymore, s** is infrequent and passionless and we don't tend to hold hands/hug. I no longer desire him, but I do still love him.
The upside (!) is that I still find him an interesting, intellectually stimulating and witty person. We don't generally argue in front of the children and co-parent reasonably well (though we do like to do things differently). The children love our family unit and the thought of breaking that up and their confusion and upset, as a result, breaks my heart. However, over the course of the year I now feel we have reached a point where the funa nd interesting discussions over dinner have become fewer and fewer and we now seem to argue and find fault of each other instead.
We have discussed our issues and he thinks that over the course of this year we have hit a low but that we should stay together because we have children. I think because of his age he doesn't mind if his relationship is not all that because he has already lived a full and interesting life and now gets his joy from the kids. But I don't feel like that, I need the great relationship too.
I have recently grown closer to a male friend of my own age. We are not having an affair but he has shown me the potential of what a trusting, supportive relationship could be like.
A great relationship is something that I see as very important in my life. If it wasn't for the children I would leave but I don't want to ~~~~ them up; my happiness is secondary to theirs. HI am not being abused, and have a great co-parent, should I just put up and shut up??