Giving up on the relationship after dp's affair?

[christmasgnome]

I feel quilty doing so. Dp has had three affairs over the years, but I found out about them all at once, this year. He was last in touch with the most recent OW in April.

He wants to move back permanently to the family home and make things work. I can't forget, I think about the other women every day, and don't know if these feelings of upset will lessen with time.
He refuses (point blank) to discuss what happened with the women, e.g. why and how he had the affairs in the first place, and how they ended. He has walked out if I have pursued the matter with any forcefulness.

The thing is, he is a good father and the dc (aged 8 and 5) would benefit having him around. I can tolerate dp and even like and remember love for him at times.

It kind of feels finished for me. I'm not idealistic, but everything feels too spoilt now.

Has anybody been through similar and not been able to work things out after an affair, or have any advice? He seems to think I am being unreasonable for still not being able to get over it and pretend nothing ever happened, like he does.

Hi christmasgnome, am in the middle of trying to work out our marriage after finding out about H's affair in Nov (have very long thread somewhere!). It's up to you whether you want to try, but you DEFINITELY won't be able to fix things if he won't talk, complete and utter honesty to everything you ask and why he let himself do it is absolutely key.

You don't want him back. It would be too painful for you. It would not be good for your DCs to grow up living with a parent with that much pain. Do not take him back.

By having affairs and not doing everything in his power to help you get over the hurt that he has caused he is showing you no respect whatsoever. You cannot live with a man who does not respect you. It would not be good for you or your children.

My mum did.

You have to put your feelings first. If you had him back because of the DC, they'd be fine, but you couldn't possibly be a great mum when so miserable.

He'd do it again too, you do know that don't you.

Your DC will grow up better with a happy mum, one who is content, and eventually in a loving relationship with a decent partner than one with their dad where she's walking on egg shells wondering if she ought to be down the STI clinic again.

If you think it's finished, it is. Stick with your gut instinct, move on with your life.

Move on, love. There are some terrific men out there and you will never find anybody else whilst you are stuck with this philandering loser.

And don't you dare feel guilty!

No, please don't feel guilty

The dc still have their father, but he will never be a faithful partner

Concentrate on forging an amicable co-parenting relationship, and do not take him back for the sake of your children

The fact he had three affairs, refuses to discuss it, and wants to take up where he left off and for you to just STFU about it is a massive red flag that he will continue to do what he thinks he can get away with

and, tbh, if you take him back after this, he can get away with virtually anything can't he ?

ditch the guilt, and get on with your life with your self-esteem intact

It would only really work out if he was honest with you.

Since he is not willing to be open then he's obviously still considering his feelings above yours. He might not find it pleasant to share these details with you but you need to know and he's paying no attention to that. It's all still very much about him and that's not the kind of person you should settle for.

Your DC will suffer if you stay for the wrong reasons. Eventually you will worry yourself sick every time he's late etc. The resentment, stress, distrust and lack of honesty on your part will not make for a happy home for the DC - no matter how good a father he is.

Update: Yes, I think you are all right, thank you. I really needed some sort of validation, though I am very sad for what I/we have lost and what should have been.

At the time of this thread I emailed to ask him if he was in contact with the most recent OW, not sure why, just a niggling feeling I had) and he evaded the question. He said if I thought so then I'd be right not to have him back.

So, I haven't had him back. He's reduced involvement with and help with the children, presumably as punishment. But I can manage well enough.

At present I am ignoring any chatty communication from him, which does not concern the dc.

It is a little lonely, but the alternative I think would be worse in the end.

What a horrible situation you are in. But, I am sure you have made the right decision and things will get better and better for you.

Why are some men such utter tossers?

If he's had three affairs and won't even do you the courtesy of talking it through as you need, then he has no right to ask you to forgive him, far less take him back.

He broke his vows and the marriage contract. If you take him back now, IME you won't leave when he has more affairs - which he almost certainly will - because your confidence will be nil.

I think marriages can recover from affairs with work and goodwill from both sides. I do think affairs plural in one marriage is dodgier, and if he is expecting you to let him define the terms without any effort whatsoever on his part to work on things? I'd say the marriage is over in any genuine sense, already. I wouldn't want him back either - what good would a marriage lacking love, trust or joy do your kids?

You didn't end the marriage. He did, by his behaviour and then refusal to account for it in any way. If you don't know why, how can you begin to trust it won't recur? When you don't even want him back?

I'd see a solicitor and call it a day, myself.

I can only answer, with honesty, because of my own situation and feelings.

In a nutshell, my husband had an affair for over 13 months. He finally confessed after I had confronted him on a couple of occasions; I even knew who the OW was likely to be.

Anyways, took him back, tried SO hard to answer my own questions because he would not talk about it. This ate at me - I'm the kind of person that needs answers, personally I think it's the very least he owed me.

He just ended up becoming violent, controlling and not my husband any more. His stock answer to everything was that until I had moved on, we stood no chance.

I even went to counselling on my own and that's when I realised I was the only one trying to make things right.

End of marriage. Especially when I found out he was still pining for "the love of his life" and contacting her........

Good luck in whatever decision you make - but please make sure it's the best decision for YOU, as others have said our children adapt incredibly well.

You made the right call here OP. It makes no sense whatsoever to forgive someone who won't talk about his infidelity. It's evidently a flaw in him and presumably, he doesn't want to confront that. I expect when you look back on your relationship, you can find loads of examples where he failed to take responsibility for things? He sounds childish and punitive too, if he is reducing his involvement with his own DCs in order to punish you for asserting your right to be free of him.