A bit of an odd pregnancy/relationship situation that a friend needs help with. Any suggestions?

[taintedsnow]

I need some advice on how to help a friend who thinks she has done something stupid.

She has just found out she is pregnant. She was 'unwell' (her words) for a number of weeks and suspected she may be pregnant, but got 'a number (again her words) of false negatives with home pregnancy tests. Finally went to the doctors, has had a scan and is 14 weeks along. She is happy, I think, but it's the relationship situation that is causing the issues.

The father of her baby (A) is her best friend's younger brother. The best friend (B) in question is male and she had an on-going casual relationship with him for some time. While there is nothing sexual between them now, they do have a very close bond that could be termed a romantic friendship.
Neither of the brothers know that my friend is pregnant yet, with B not even knowing that A slept with my friend. They decided at the time that it wasn't worth any weirdness that would come up (what she meant by 'weirdness', I'm not sure). But now with the baby (which my friend is keeping) it pretty much forces out into the open what happened. She is not in a couple with A, it was a one night thing and I don't think she's particularly proud of it. They do get on well though, and while I've only met him a couple of times, he seems nice.

I have gathered, in amongst sobs and panic from the mother-to-be, that the bones of the issue is that she is worried that A will not want to be involved and that B will keep his distance from her. I have suggested that she might be over-amping it a tad, but she is worried. I think the problem is, with something like this, she would run straight to B to talk about it, but obviously there's an added kick to it. I suspected and speculated with her that there might currently be something more to her friendship with B and that's why she's so worried about telling the truth, but she claims there isn't, just that they are close and she is worried about his reaction. I know B quite well, and I don't think he would be jealous as he is seeing someone at the moment, my friend thinks (and I agree) that it's more likely he'll be shocked and find the situation weird. The idea of his brother sleeping with someone he slept with would admittedly be difficult in many people's minds.

Has anyone got any advice as to how I might be able to help my friend? "Bite the bullet and tell the truth to both of them" seems to be insufficient. If you were either A or B, how would you feel about a baby being born into this situation? If it matters, my friend is 26, as is B, and A is 22.

Sorry about the length of this, I might not get back on the thread until morning now, so will reply to anyone who is kind enough to wade through this in the daylight!

TIA.

I think she needs to be upfront with both of them though A, as the baby's father, should be whom she goes to first.

The only way to avoid the ensuing "weirdness" would be to conceal the whole thing from both which would be wrong (in so many ways) and, in any case, unlikely to succeed. If she loses B's friendship over it, then so be it.

Thanks for your reply :).

Is losing the friendship with B likely, do you think? I'm struggling to see this objectively, because I do know all the people involved (though I don't know A all that well).

Clearly, the baby does need to be the priority, but is there a way to go about telling the truth that would lessen the blow?

I think if my friend was going to hide the truth from both brothers, she probably wouldn't have spilled her guts to me about everything.

[I am going to sleep at some point!]

she has to first of all tell A he is going to be a father and discuss his involvement. and then she needs to inform B that she is pregnant with his brother's child.

most likely B will need time to digest all this and no-one here can tell how he will react to this.

but she doesn need to be honest and tell them both.

i hope she's ok.

sorry, she does need to be honest with both of them.

Thanks for your reply Boo. :)

I agree that A needs to be told first and I will tell her that when I speak to her tomorrow.

From what she's said, I don't see it being a case of B thinking A has stepped on his toes and got involved where he shouldn't, it's definitely more likely to be a case of general weirdness about the two of them sleeping together.

She's doing okay now I think, I've managed to calm her down and got her home and I will check on her in the morning. I would've had her stay the night, but didn't want DN waking up to a probably emotional lady on the sofa tomorrow morning!

it is an uncomfortable situation to be in but if B is a friend i imagine he will want to support her. it probably will be hard though because if she isn't in a relationship with A then tehre are likely to be issues WRT access and i can forsee B not being willing to take sides or siding with his brother as it's 'blood' and the baby will be his nephew or niece.

SOmething you should impress on your friend is that she has done nothing wrong. She was not in a supposedly monogamous relationship with either man and therefore entitled to have sex with any willing man she chooses. It's unfortunate that there was a contraception failure, but these things happen.
A may well be happy at the prospect of parenthood, though of course he may be appalled. It's worth noting that you can have a satisfactory co-parent relationship with someone who you are not romantically/sexually involved with, assuming niether co-parent is a fuckwit. She should try to tell the blokes as calmly as possible and allow them (at least the father) time to adjust to the situation.

Thank you for the replies. :)

I entirely agree SGB, she has done absolutely nothing wrong, and I suspect when all is out in the open and calmed down, A and B will also understand this as well. My friend is a good person, I can't ever see her restricting access to the baby. She knows the family through her friendship with B and she gets on well with them so hopefully this won't be as fraught (at least in the long term) as she is imagining.

I have talked to her this morning and mentioned some of the things that have been said here and she's taken it on board as far as I can tell. She seems a bit less upset today, which is good.

Of course she is entitled to have sex with whomever she chooses. To become unintentionally pregnant by someone with whom you are not, and have never been, in a relationship is, at the very least, unfortunate.

It is certainly possible for everyone involved to avoid fuckwittery and make things go smoothly but the potential for it to be otherwise is undoubtedly multiplied. There is a child at the heart of this whose life is set to be more complicated than is entirely desirable.

I might also add that my DS is the result of a contraceptive failure when I shagged an old drinking buddy I was not in a couple-relationship with. Though DS dad initially fucked off (with my good wishes, the PG was an accident and I didn't think that meant he owed me or the baby anything) he turned around and has become a great, involved, loving dad. Our DS is now 6 and we are definitely a family, it's just that Daddy doesen't live with us (and me and DS dad are at perfect liberty to date and sleep with whoever we like).

SGB, I'm aware of the essentials of your situation as you've mentioned it previously in similar discussions. I'm genuinely glad that your situation works for you, your ds and his dad. I also hope that it continues to work and that, when he grows up, your ds agrees that everything in your garden was rosy. It doesn't alter the fact that the potential for messing up the lives of all involved increases drastically in situations like this and it is hardly one to aspire to.

Of course, there would be no point in the OP's friend wasting time and energy berating herself for getting into the situation in the first place but it would be foolish to pretend it is a good situation to be in.