Please help me stop feeling guilty about this friend

[Ormirian]

We heard on Christmas Eve that two of our friends had split up. At his instigation. She is very volatile and drinks too much. I have posted here about her always being drunk when she turns up here and how it upset me. I didn't contact her before christmas for purely selfish reasons - I have had so many weekends taken up with her problems and to be frank I am worn out by her. I didn't want our precious christmas ruined by tears and misery.

I texted her to say hello and ask jer how she was doing late on christmas day. No reply.

I know it would have been the generous thing to do to invite her here but I felt I owed a peaceful happy christmas to my family (and to myself).

She has 2 grown-up DDs and other friends so I don't think she would have been alone but it makes me a crap appalling friend doesn't it

I wish I had happy stable friends. Most of mine seem to lurch from one crisis to another and DH and I are boringly stable. I sometimes think that is why our friends like us.

It sounds as if you have been a very good friend to her over the years, and that she has been hard work for a very long time.

Why are you friends with her? What exactly, do you get from the relationship other than grief?

Sometimes it is OK to walk away from a friendship. Would you be happier and better off without her in your life?

She's funny and affectionate and she gives a lot of herself - when she's not in bits or pissed.

I don't think you should feel guilty. Some friends are difficult/negative and eventually it can grind you down. (I don't mean people going through a temporary bad time/crisis) I mean when people like your friend are very self absorbed and have continual crises.

There is a woman at my dd's school like this (her child is in same class). I have honestly never exchanged greetings or had any conversation with her other than her moaning/complaining/being negative. I admit that at times I avoid her as in reality things aren't that bad for her, she is just a moaner. (and if that makes me horrible, so be it). I wouldn't mind so much if we had ever been friends, but I don't know her very well and she just whinges all the time.

I would guess the reason she has not replied to your text is that she has spent christmas totally trollied. You have nothing to feel guilty about...being a good friend does not extend to enabling their alcohol problem and it certainly doesn't extend to risking ruining christmas for your children.

Do think about why you attract mainly unstable friends. I have a good friend who is like this and it says a lot about her need to be a rescuer, to be needed and to be the one that other people look to for advice as it proves how together she is (she isn't, really). One or two friends like this might be normal, but 'most' isn't.

Perhaps she needs to confront her drinking issues (no idea whether that is something you would feel comfortable bringing up with her or not?)

I don't think it was down to you to have her around for xmas day. I think it is a pretty poor freind to send a lone text when her husband has left her days before xmas.

Orm, you contacted her within 24 hours of finding out she had split from her P. You contacted her on a day that is generally exclusively family, and it was a huge thing to contact someone on such a subject in the middle of your christmas.

If she had needed you I am sure she would have called you back.

Please don't feel guilty, you have been a wonderful friend.