elderly parents not coping, won't allow help

[redundant]

hello, just wondering if anyone could share their stories/advice.
I have just returned from visiting my elderly parents at their home in a fairly remote village, about 2 hours from me. Mum is 77, dad 87. Mum does everything to care for dad.
They lurch from one crisis to another - a fall and hip op for my dad a few months ago, central heating broken down this week. House is dirty and cold. My mum is agraphobic (tho its not quite that straightforward), very controlling and is not very honest with me about their situation.
I have tried to talk to her several times each year for probably the last 10 years about what their plans are for the future. At one point I thought I had convinced them to sell and move to a bungalow nearer us, but having had house valued, mum has now decided to stay put until dad dies, as then she can buy a smaller property (they would need two bedrooms at mo).
They are really not coping but I don't know what else I can do. Today, I was feeling ill and tired, and basically told her she's not being fair on us by refusing to plan, discuss things and accept help.
I feel like my options now are to leave them to it and pick the pieces up as best I can when it inevitably all goes horribly wrong, or force the situation, which will end in lots of unpleasantness, and which in all honesty, I sometimes feel might result in my mum topping herself to stay in control/get out of the situation. I know that sounds odd.
Sorry, its a ramble. Just wondering if anyone has any advice. Won't be able to check back in here for a while but will do later on tonight. TIA.

Have you got in touch with social services to tell them that they aren't coping?

It may be worth speaking with age concern to what advice they have?

I can understand their reluctance to move it's their home and familiar to them

Could you employ a cleaner for them? Get meals on wheels, so they at least get one hot meal a day.

If they don't want to move, which I can understand, then you can't force them, so I suppose that leaves you in the position of supporting them best you can to stay in their current home.

I'd agree with cargirl talk to age concern as there may well be more help available to them.

I have spoken to social services and also charities in the area that social services use for respite care etc - have pushed for her to get a panic fob thing, keysafe, etc etc but at the end of the day my mum has (after a fashion) all her marbles there, and they won't do anything without her agreement.

I arranged for the charity to call her so they could understand what care needs my dad has, so he could go on their register in case help was needed in the future. When the charity rang my mum she told them she didn't need any help. They then rang me to tell me this, and when I (gently) raised that with my mum she just lied and said that wasn't what had happened and there was a misunderstanding.

I understand its a crappy situation for them to be in, but its not going to get any better unless they face up to it.

Sorry, not ranting at you, just venting - I just get so frustrated.

will not entertain the prospect of a carer or any support in their home.
I'm sure there is help available - they won't take it though - even from me.

This is a really difficult situation because they are adults of sound mind (well, medically speaking anyway) and you can't force them to change the way they live. So there is probably not much you can do, but of course this impacts on your life massively because you have to pick up the pieces when things go wrong, plus you are always worrying about them.

I think Cargirl's suggestion of talking to Age Concern is a good one. This must be a common situation and other people will have gone through it.

Think pride and stubbornness are also playing a part here with regards to your parents.

www.ageuk.org.uk is the website of Age UK who were known as Age Concern. (Help the Aged and Age concern combined forces to set up this new organisation).

Do you have any other siblings?.

Do you think their GP knows anything about their home situation?. I would have to concur that there is nothing else you can personally do other than you have already done.

Redundant I really feel for you.

We as a family went through this years ago with an elderly rellie who had no closer family IYSWIM.

We got all sorts of help in place/offered and she would turn them away at the door.

It is exceedingly frustrating but ultimately if they "technically" have all their marbles, there is little AFAIK that SS can do.

I would echo give the GP a call and see what they can suggest - maybe a home visit under some pretext?

3 other siblings - I'm the youngest. One (the oldest) has cut ties with the family completely, one lives in the states and has issues of her own (partly caused by my mums agraphobia etc when she was a child). Other lives in London, doesn't drive, is much better than me at distancing himself from the situation.
It's all very sad.
Have spoken to gp in past, he just signposted to social services etc.

thanks. I feel guilty that i can't 'fix' the situation, and sad for them.

I am in a similar situation with my parents,and so I deeply sympathise.I have a brother who lives closer to them and that helps as at least we can talk about it together.I organised a cleaner for Mum but she turned her away as "too expensive" but she won't let us pay either.It is very tricky as they are adults who can make their own choices about which we have no say,and yet their choices cause a lot of worry,stress and pressure for my brother and my family.I have no helpful advice but I do understand how you must be feeling.

Redundant - have PM'd you

Sorry to hear about your dilemma. I had almost the same thing happen to my aunt-my nearest living relative-she wouldn't accept help either, from anywhere. I felt so guilty that I wasn't able to help although I tried everything-social services, meals on wheels, cleaners etc; even when she became ill she had to virtually be dragged into the ambulance. The problem seems to be that if the person is "competent" to make decisions, none of the support services are willing to overrule that person's decisions. In the end, she became ill with a chest infection and had to go into a care home, otherwise she would have died. She lasted another year, and By then was diagnosed with dementia so at least she wasn't too aware of what was happening to her. I felt so awful that she didn't live her last years in comfort and cleanliness but in the end I had to accept that she chose to live like this. She was older than your mum - 84- and not in brilliant health anyway. It seems that when people get older and more set in their ways, they are more difficult to influence. I also felt somewhat ashamed of the state she was in - filthy clothes covered in faeces etc- and felt people who knew us both were judging me. The general public are often pilloried for not helping old people but sometimes they are so stubborn! You seem to be doing all you can already so please try not to beat yourself up too much. Good luck.

thanks all of you, has really helped hearing your stories, sorry so many of you have been through similar x

I am in almost an identical situation redundant. My mum lives alone but is so frail and now disabled she should be in a home or warden assisted property. I have talked with gp, social services and age concern but because she is mentally on the ball there is nothing that can be done without her consent.
I love her to bits, but it has had a major impact on my marriage, and life generally. I feel guilt ridden if I have a day off from visiting her. The gp has warned her that she will have a fall one day and end up in hospital where the decision of where to live will be taken out of her hands, but she won't listen.
My siblings have all taken a back seat and continue their lives without any worries. It gets me down sometimes, and my thoughts are with you.

sorry to hear that mrsmills. It does really have an effect on your marriage doesn't it - I find the same. DH is brilliant but its so exhausting worrying about it all the time, when we have our own life full of our own worries too.
I do sometimes resent my mum for putting me in this position. However much she breezily says "don't worry about us, we're fine" i am their daughter, and what do they expect me to do. Hope you find some resolution.

My mother just says "oh don't think about me,you have your children to focus on" which is a)very annoying as she's always been a bit of a martyr mother.
and b)quite unkind in a backhanded way.
My little girl has been so unhappy at school that we've had to take her out and the stress of my mum on top of that has been heavy,but if i try and steer her towards solutions for the future she just refuses to discuss it.