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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My baby is due in a week but my partner has moved out

3 replies

sarjose · 27/12/2010 12:47

My now ex-boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years,I have two children from a previous relationship. He has one child from a fling he had whilst we were split for a couple of months,she is now 18 months old. This man spent most of our relationship asking me to settle with him and have a child together,I was not ready to do this as his behaviour was pretty volatile and immature at times and I know how big a thing it is to have a baby with someone. He made big improvements over the course of our time together and I eventually felt ready to have a baby with him. For the first 6 months of my pregnancy everything was as it should be. When I got to 6 months he started going out a lot more,he works long hours as a farm labourer and worked late shifts so I thought it was only fair he had a social life too. I tried to communicate and ask if there was anything wrong but he just told me that he needed to do his thing etc,well fine. Then,we had a row just before I went on maternity leave,I left the house and when I got back he was gone, he got himself a caravan and moved out. That was a month ago, at first he was texting all the time to ask how I was,at one point he was sleeping here after work for 5 or 6 days but on christmas eve his car broke down and he didn't come, I cooked a meal christmas day which he didn't turn up for,he says he was trying to fix his car,well whatever,I text him back to say he could go to hell for all I care.I've heard nothing from him since.I was told by a friend that his phone is off,what bothers me is that we planned for him to be at the birth but it looks like hes not even bothered to make sure I can get hold of him when I go into labour, I don't know what my question is really,I suppose it would be nice to have some input or similar experiences from others. I know I will be ok on my own with the kids and I know his behaviour is disgusting,however,I am really confused at the total lack of communication and the sudden distance.This baby is due in a week?

OP posts:
K12Mom · 27/12/2010 12:50

Oh, how awful. I think you are going to have to resign yourself to being a single parent. I don't think you will be able to rely on this guy.

You sound like a pretty together person, though. I am sure you will be fine.

Men... I just don't understand them Sad

missmehalia · 27/12/2010 13:04

I've so been there. (More to my horror, now that I look back.) I suggest line up female friends or family that you feel totally safe with to be with you at the birth, as well as supporting you and the kids afterwards. Focus your energies on that. If you chase this bloke for contact, he'll just run and run.

This won't end up in the fantasy scenario you are hoping for (sorry, I know it's harsh at this stage, but..) There is no more vulnerable a position than labour and birthing, and if he were there it won't have the 'magic' effect you may be wishing for either. It'll just compound his sense of too much responsibility (and yes, of course, he's running away from exactly what he wished for and he should grow up. But let's think about your needs here.. )

His behaviour may be very unstable right now, so I suggest you create your own stability. He may come back as swiftly as he left, but he will probably leave again too. I suggest you get the locks changed, and take charge of your household. Do all the wonderful nesting stuff - get the food in, set up the nappy changing things upstairs and down, wash the babygros, pack your bag if you need one, etc, and have your friends on speed dial. You really can do it. I did, and though it was a pretty surreal time, the baby was just gorgeous.

(And, if you're wondering, the sire in question followed one of my friends to find out where I was, and barged round trying to come in on some weak excuse, etc. I wasn't there - still in hospital - so he was confronted with a friend who was getting the house ready. He played a lot of mind games round that time that really did my head in. I now realise I should have just focused on myself, and let the CSA do the rest. I did realise fairly quickly, though, and got on the right track. Life on my own was totally fine once I got the hang of it. It's much much lonelier in a bad relationship, I promise you.)

I look back now and I wonder if I had rocks in my head to stay with such a strange person for so long. However, onwards and upwards.

sarjose · 27/12/2010 20:44

Thank you for your kind replies, missmehalia you have made a good point about the fantasy scenario,I set my sights on something that is just not possible with a man (boy) like him. He is immature and selfish and we are way way better off without him, I just wish I could be left to enjoy my new addition without the inevitable 'bull in a china shop' behaviour that is sure to come!! we live and learn. oh,and it's good to hear that you came out the other end xx

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