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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get my dh to pick up after himself???????

26 replies

jenweber630 · 30/09/2005 14:53

Ok - so I'm fed up. Dh (i.e., damn husband) basically gets up in the morning before myself and our 9 month old son, leaves his pyjamas on the floor, doesn't put his morning toiletries away (and all he has to do is put them behind the sink - not like he has to put it in a cupboard), often leaves clipped fingernails sitting in the sink, leaves crumbs all over the kitchen counter and usually a used tea bag in the sink, and leaves all of his dishes on the coffee table in the living room as well as any dishes/snacks from the evening before. I also set up a clothing hamper for the clothes that he leaves all over the floor in our bedroom so they can at least be in one spot but he's taken to rummaging through it nearly every morning and leaving the clothes on the floor anyway. I'VE SO COMPLETELY HAD IT!!! I'm about ready to throw all of this clothes, dirty dishes, underwear in a huge heap on his side of the bed everyday until he stops. I feel like I'm looking after a slobby teenager and I just don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about this many times and all I get are excuses such as 'I'm usually in a hurry in the morning' - and typically he walks in the house at the end of the day and can't believe I've not got a happy, fed, clean baby along with a spic and span house and well stocked refrigerator and piping hot dinner on the table because I don't 'do' anything all day. I want to scream. I feel better now that I've vented - but if anyone has helpful suggestions to remedy this even in part that doesn't require hitting hubby over the head I'm all ears.

OP posts:
stitch · 30/09/2005 14:56

DONT PICK UP AFTER HIM.
thats it really. clean up after yourself, and your baby. tell him again and again. but resist theurge to pick up after him. when he finally sees its a mess, he will clean up after himself. eventually.
its a bit like toddler taming. if you keep doing it for him, he has no reason for doing it himself.
also, try to keep your cool. dont scream at him.

colditz · 30/09/2005 14:56

Put every single trace of mess he leaves you into a binbag. This means clothes, toiletries, cds, plates with food on etc. Leave it a week then leave it out for the binmen.

Warn him beforehand that this is what you are going to do. the misery of having to pick through mank to get his possessions should mean he only takes 3-4 weeks to learn.

stitch · 30/09/2005 14:57

dont wash any clothes unless they are in the dirty laundry bin. dont pick up any socks lying on the floor. vacuum round them if you must.
if possible, move all his stuff to another room, so that your bedroom contains only your stuff and babies if it has too.

marne · 30/09/2005 14:58

He sounds just like me, dh is always going mad for me leaving things on the floor, not shuting doors etc. Dh does all the house work and cleans up after me all day, do you want to borow him for a few days so you can sit back and have a rest. Now i know how my dh feels, i must be a nightmare to live with.

Original poster
jenweber630 · 03/10/2005 11:30

Thank you for all the advice ladies - I think I'm going to start just leaving his things were they drop and be extremely vigilant about picking up mine and the babies things so they don't get confused. In a week's time, he should start seeing the pattern. He VEHEMENTLY insisted over the week that he picked up his breakfast dishes everyday the past week - HA. We had company over the weekend so I need to tidy up but once that's done, I'm going to give this a go.

OP posts:
creepycat · 03/10/2005 11:31

Colditz idea is the one to go with, then at least your not sitting amonst his mess.

beetlejuice73 · 03/10/2005 12:35

Sorry JW360, I'm going to go against the grain here, and probably be un-PC, un-
MN. You don't say whether or not you work outside the home as well, and it does sound like your Dh is being a bit of a slob (as is my DP), but I think if I had a DP going out to work while I stayed at home then I would think it reasonable enough to clear his breakfast stuff etc.

ScreamEagle · 03/10/2005 12:49

This is my dh all over. Really really gets on my tits!

Yesterday I had a strop as the house was a tip(only way to get through to my dh at times) and he looked around and said "Well, what needs doing?" I refused to tell him and replied that he lived in this house too and should know what needs doing and to stop acting like an overgrown teenager!

His response to all that was that it wouldn't hurt to leave the cleaning another day and if the grass has needed cutting for the last three weeks, another week wouldn't hurt.

I think men have a totally different outlook on mess to women. Still, in my book that's no excuse to behave like a slob. I don't ask or expect my dh to clear up after MY mess, so why should he expect it from me?

stitch has got the right idea and one I employ at times. Dump all his mess on his side of the bed.

batters · 03/10/2005 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vickitrickortreatmum · 03/10/2005 13:04

My DP was looking for praise for cleaning and tidying all of our DD's toys finally and matching them up.

I did point out that i gave up doing that myself months ago because i was the only mug who ever bothered to do it.

He also takes his clothes off and drops them NEXT to the linen basket. Never in it. Takes one sock off and leaves it WHERE EVER he may be then moans he has no clean ones.

I give up too!

Original poster
jenweber630 · 03/10/2005 23:05

Well, yes, I do stay at home at the moment with ds who is nearly 10 months old. And I do see your point, which is why I've spent the past 10 months cleaning up after him. What I'm finding is, is that I'm feeling incredibly resentful for this though. The days he does bring his dishes at least into the kitchen and get the clothes at least near the laundry hamper, I'm a happy lady. I think what's under my skin is the expectation that I clean up after him AND that he labors under the dilusion that he never leaves anything around. I'm feeling a bit guilty though - this past weekend (right after I wrote my initial rant) he started having a vertigo flare up from the atypical Meniere's disease he was diagnosed with a few years back and neither of us have been cleaning up after ourselves as we've been running to doctor's offices etc. all day. I'm going to do a good clean up tomorrow for a baseline though and leaving his things out once he feels better and if that fails after a few days it will all be piled into a bin bag after I warn him about it - I'll let you all know how it goes.

OP posts:
chicagomum · 03/10/2005 23:10

put everything that he doesn't put away in his side of the bed, then make the bed, that way he 'll have to do something with it before he gets into bed to sleep, and hopefully he'll get the point quite quickly

colditz · 03/10/2005 23:12

Chicagomum, that is a good theory, but the way men see it, they actually don't have to do anything with the stuff when there is a perfectly functional floor right next to the bed.

And you ^know, you just know that they will step over/on it in the morning.

wysiwyg · 03/10/2005 23:29

Explain what you NEED him to do - ie pick up wipe down clear up after himself. I agree with other posts about not clearing up after him, but depends if you can live in the mess.
Then, if he says he doesn't have time in the mornings - just repeat back to him - "You don't have time in the morning..." v sarcastic/ make him see he is not being reasonable.
Works with my DH for a number of issues.

Tortington · 04/10/2005 00:43

wash the dishes if your at home - but move them to the sink? well thats just inconsiderate.
washt he clothes if your at home - but move them to the laundry basket? well thats just inconsiderate.

darling he needs his own washing basket. tell him to do his own washing - at his convenience of course - its obviously not that much trouble becuase if it was he could be more helpful.

wouldnt bother me if guests were due if the rest of the house was tidy i am sure they wouldnt mind a pile of crusty plates with the terribly funny after dinner conversation about them.

alternativley get him paper plates, cups, cutlery and disposable bowls. that way they can be thrown away.

i think its a matter of showing your partner that you are considerate of what they have to do that day - i mean if you went to his workplace, went to the kitchen area made a brew left the tea coffe milk suger out and left the t bag on the side of the sink and coffee spilt on the side then left in a hurry because you were busy - that would be very inconsiderate of your dh

Bugsy2 · 04/10/2005 12:17

OMG, completely with Custardo on this. Don't be this man's maid or mother. You are his wife, partner and lover - not his servant.
I understand that all households distribute their tasks differently but if you are feeling exploited then it is not working. If you have explained things 1000 times, then talking isn't working either. At the end of the day, he knows that despite your constant reminding, if he does not comply then you will still do it all - so what incentive is there for him to change. Actions speak so much louder than words, so stop doing it all for him!

acnebride · 04/10/2005 12:34

I think it's the attitudes that really makes a difference. Sympathy Jen. I am a total slob but have ended up being/making myself responsible for absolutely all housework and cleaning. While I was on maternity leave this had some reasonableness attached to it but now I only work 8 hours less than dh does. needs a rethink.

But what kills me most is that dh is certain that he is a very tidy person and often tells me that the secret is to put everything back from where you took it out. I'm so tempted to get luminous PostIts printed with 'Despite the fact that you went to boarding school, this is still not back in your cupboard, [Surname] Major, signed Matron' to stick on all the stuff he leaves out everywhere.

Somewhere on a recent thread, somebody suggested writing down all the chores and how long they take (preferably two different times, one if you're doing it alone, one if you're doing it while caring for your child) and sitting down with dh to discuss how this stuff is to get done. I keep meaning to do this but hey! too busy cleaning...

acnebride · 04/10/2005 12:34

I think it's the attitudes that really makes a difference. Sympathy Jen. I am a total slob but have ended up being/making myself responsible for absolutely all housework and cleaning. While I was on maternity leave this had some reasonableness attached to it but now I only work 8 hours less than dh does. needs a rethink.

But what kills me most is that dh is certain that he is a very tidy person and often tells me that the secret is to put everything back from where you took it out. I'm so tempted to get luminous PostIts printed with 'Despite the fact that you went to boarding school, this is still not back in your cupboard, [Surname] Major, signed Matron' to stick on all the stuff he leaves out everywhere.

Somewhere on a recent thread, somebody suggested writing down all the chores and how long they take (preferably two different times, one if you're doing it alone, one if you're doing it while caring for your child) and sitting down with dh to discuss how this stuff is to get done. I keep meaning to do this but hey! too busy cleaning...

acnebride · 04/10/2005 12:37

Oh, when you've stopped doing his clothes etc, resist the temptation to answer anything other than 'I don't know' when asked where things are.

logs · 04/10/2005 13:02

i actually feel that it could actually be the mother in laws are to be blame for some if not all of the dh's attittude to cleaning ! as mine has admitted she has done everything for him from when he was a child. even now when he goes there she is continually taking his plates out after he has finished eating making him cups of tea etc etc so i now have a mammoth task of reducating him! its been a slow process but he is now doing the washing up after dinner he will ocasionally put clothes in the laundry bin,and cook every so often. but as i do work late evening shifts at asda and do a vast majority of cleaning,cooking and careing for our lil boy (3yrs) he does appricite what i do. but it has took a long time for me to get this far.
so all i can say is good luck and keep trying , he may just have to physicaly see what you do in the day to apprciate it?
p.s but the weekends are the hardest as its a constant struggle to keep things nice!!

suedonim · 04/10/2005 15:30

I'm in favour of the black binbag - I've done it with my children before now. And if you've got a digital camera, take before-and-after piccies of the mess he leaves behind, so he can't deny it.

mumfor1sttime · 04/10/2005 15:43

I know exactly how you feel. It gets you down doesnt it? Feeling like all you do is clean.
I work 3 hours a day from 6am to 9am, so am up at 5am each day. My dh gets ds ready in the morning, and meets me from work with car, I then drive home. I enter the house to find washing up in the sink, bed not made, dirty nappy at top of the stairs(forgotten to take down and binned)and blinds all drawn! I stupidly wash up, tidy up, and make bed etc. I wonder - why do I do it??

I left dh a note the other morning saying 'please empty washing machine and hang laundry up on airer, and if you get time put another load in! washing powder is located....'He did it, which was good, think men need instructions given to them!
Dont get me wrong he is a lovely bloke and an ace dad, but bloody hopeless at housework.

bosscat · 04/10/2005 15:53

I have no idea but if you find a way can you let me know!

HappyDaddy · 04/10/2005 15:53

Do you have a peg basket? When he's asleep tie the it to his willy, then it will hang in front of him as he walks around the house. Tell him that from now on all he has to do is pick up whatever he drops and plop it in the basket. By the time he reaches the loo, your house will be clutter free.

Tortington · 04/10/2005 22:45

i vote for the last tip. sounds perfectly reasonable to me