can we get through the next few years?

[swampmonster]

I am married with 3 children & have considered divorce this year which the thought that I am willing to walk just guts me for my children.I am hoping that this will be something I can change as I do love dh I simply can't live with him acting like a child, I gave up work to put more time into the home and family & also our business so that he was free to just work(physically)-which is how he says he likes the set-up.It is OK for me so long as he doesn't start to think 'oh its OK she will have done everything and sit back stretch & put his feet up,I feel completely leant on almost to breaking point and to be honest our money hasn't much improved for him busting a gut.
Over Xmas i have been very ill and he has had to see me crying my eyes out in order for him to help me at all with the house or children.Actually he still only does minimal as I have had to manage to cook and keep the routine for the children as they are so young and I needed R&R!I am considering relationship counselling maybe before divorce but he isn't much of a talker/or listener.He is going to break me mentally at some point though-it isn't intentional, he just thinks when I cry I am having a bad day & will be fine the next day because I am a 'coper' in general.He is a good guy overall and when we have good times they are good.

Can I ever teach a mummys boy that he is my husband & not my child?? PS I am pgnt with DC4 so hormones don't help but he also has a hobby that takes up 3 days a week!! alone again doing the bedtime routine! so sad i feel like this with another DC on the way! sorry it's long!

Have you tried having a serious talk about this, letting him know that you're not having a bad day but that you're seriously considering leaving? How long ago did you give up work? Is he very bad for pulling his weight?

If it's any consolation my DH who is a lovely man drove me to distraction during this pregnancy with his laziness. I freaked out at him a couple of times because he just didn't seem to get that I was exhausted and not able to do as much as I used to (I was also working almost fulltime). It took a lot of serious talking and some tears but he has improved immensely. I'm now 40+2 and basically I do zero around the house, partly because I'm not actually able to do much anyway, but also because he recognises that given that I am pregnant the house is now his responsibility. So even if I do try to help he stops me. I have already told him that once the baby is here I will be doing a tiny bit of housework if I can fit it in around the baby but the house will continue to be mainly his responsibility even when he goes back to work. I think he totally understands now how hard it is to even have the mental burden of the house, never mind actually having to physically look after it, so even if I do start taking over a bit more when the baby is older (which I do intend to do) I'm pretty confident he won't take me for granted again, or if he does I will be able to remind him what it was like and because he has first hand experience it'll be easy to make him see my side.

Thank you I know that I am my own worst enemy sometimes as I don't let him do it.But yesterday for instance I am sure he would sit there all day & wait until lunchtime of I wasn't around,there would be no structure-whenI reminded him of the time he had our dd1 for the day & forgot to give her lunch he replied that she was asleep and he didn't want to wake her-she was 9 months and he left her until gone 3p.m.! I stated that if he left her long enough then she would have maybe conveniently slept through tea time too thus meaning he wouldn't have to do anything all day!
I find it hard to sit back as then NOTHING gets done.I gave up work maybe a year ago now-I do still have the job if I want to go back to it-which I am considering to.I wish that I could send you a photo of the rubbish outside our back door-which is one of the jobs i have gone on strike with!

When I confronted him yesterday he said' it's holiday it's OK to do nothing-I am unsure if the kids understand that concept!

congrats on your pregnancy you must be exhausted!Are you due for induction anytime soon?? how exciting-I am only 24 weeks!

"I know that I am my own worst enemy sometimes as I don't let him do it."

That speaks volumes. You have to let go, and let him take responsibility, and if that means less structure, then so be it. At the moment you're in a cycle of him not doing anything, you ending up doing it (and you sound quite a perfectionist with the routines thing) and then you being knackered and resentful.

Missing lunch won't kill a child. And in fact, if she was asleep, I'm guessing she wasn't hungry. Kids will shout when they want something. Routines and structures are all very well, but not if you've become a slave to them.

I would think seriously about taking up the job offer - you are very fortunate to have a job offer open still, so why no go for it? It will physically get you away from the house, which he conveniently sees as your responsibility, and puts you in a stronger position to put more domestic responsibility his way.

It would certainly be worth trying counselling before throwing in the towel too. Your children are young, and you are having another baby together, so I'm assuming there must be something that you felt was worth saving.

Thanks for the congratulations :) I'm well fed up of this pregnancy now, just want the baby here! Won't be induced for another 10 days so could still have a bit of a wait

I would agree with violethill that is sounds as if you've got yourself into a cycle where you complain, he ignores, you do it anyway. This was happening between me and and DH to a certain extent. It was only when I stated to him in very clear terms that I would not put up with the way he was behaving any longer that he realised I wasn't just idly nagging, that I was serious. It gave him quite a kick up the bum and the improvement in his behaviour has been immense. Admittedly the way he does housework isn't really up to my standards, but most of the time (unless it's very bad) I just bite my tongue and say nothing. To be fair if I do point out something to him he doesn't take offence he just fixes it. When I had a serious chat with him it became clear that he didn't realise how much stress the situation was causing me. It sounds like your DH might be the same, given what he said about it being ok as it was holidays. DH would have had that attitude before until I pointed out that even when we're on holidays we still use cutlery and it still needs to be washed! There was a time when he would have his "holiday" while I kept everything ticking over. Not anymore. Not ever again. (You can almost hear how much screaming was involved in this, can't you!)

Is your DH respectful towards you generally? I think that's the only dealbreaker for me. DH doesn't belittle my feelings and it generally very respectful so I think the turning point in the whole issue for us was when I made him see that not pulling his weight was disrespectful. By expecting me to live in a tip or do all of the cleaning he was disrespecting my wishes and making my life harder. He recognised that his desire to play computer games shouldn't outstrip this problem and that made him wake up. Do you think something similar could happen with your DH? Or do you feel he's dismissive of the way you feel?