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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do you always put your children first ?

17 replies

mamatomany · 26/12/2010 23:48

Maybe a random sounding question, let me explain.
The MIL came to stay over Christmas, she has been very ill with various aliments, thought she was going to die 10 days ago due to flu etc. (Her diagnoses not a medical one).
Anyway she has always been attention seeking and ill throughout DH's childhood, worked part time but was always off sick etc.
So back to yesterday, she's at our house with the heating on 24/7, there's plenty to eat but when she's hungry she asks what the plan is for food, so I say really casually oh help yourself the fridge is heaving. The DD's then pipe up that they fancy a pizza so I put the oven on.
MIL then makes her own pizza and sits and eats it in front of the 10, 8 and 6 year olds. I put down the baby, get up and put their pizza in and feed them.
Would it have been so much effort to pop their pizza in whilst she ate hers ?
Later on that evening I'd put the girls to bed with hot water bottles as the window in their bedroom doesn't shut properly and there is a draft but once they are cosy in bed it's fine.
The middle one gets up around 9pm, asks me to refill her hottie and then goes back to bed. Grandma helps herself to the hot water bottle next to the kettle and walks off with it. I make a joke about granny nicking the bottle, DD is in tears because she thinks she's not getting it back and then when I demand the water bottle back granny has a major sulk and goes to bed without saying goodnight.
Now normally I wouldn't care less but she's hankering to move in with us and I just don't think she'd put any of the children's needs above her own, which what I think 99% of parents and grandparents would do, am I right ? DH of course was brought up by her so he knows no different.

OP posts:
Tortington · 26/12/2010 23:52

all sounds a bit passive aggressive bollocks.

she and your children want something to eat

then ask her to stick 3 pizzas in

shes got the hot water bottle

then say

oh thats there for dd, if you'd like one,l perhaps we can go shopping for one tomorrow

LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 26/12/2010 23:54

Don't consider her moving in, for your sanity and the sake of your children.

mamatomany · 26/12/2010 23:56

Sorry, me or her ?

I thought it might go without saying if you were making yourself a pizza and the children stated they wanted one that she would make one for them.
I can understand her maybe not realising the hotwater bottle was for DD when she took it but to sulk when asked for it back was a bit pathetic imo.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 26/12/2010 23:57

Agree with custy's approach.

Just be very direct with her. If that does not work, then make sure she never moves in.

expatinscotland · 26/12/2010 23:59

Don't let her move in with you under any circumstances.

It'll be like having another child, only worse because it's an adult.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/12/2010 00:00

OK, you pose a few questions here. The first is "should you always put your children first?" The answer to that is No. It is impractical to always put your children first and they need to understand that other people have needs.

The second is "Should your MIL help you with the DCs?" The answer is yes, however, she is not used to looking after others and she has been ill and probably is looking some TLC for herself.

The third is "Should I allow MIL to move in with us?" This is the most pertinent question you ask and the answer (from your OP) is No. She is needy, a bit selfish, intimidating and manipulative(?).

You would not be doing this out of love and unless she is doing it out of absolute necessity then it is a non starter. The result of this would be a lot of anger, resentment and eventual hatred.

It will not do your DCs to come second once in a while. It will do your family a lot of damage if you and your kids are expected to take on a responsibility that you do not want and walk around on eggshells for someone who will not/does not give back.

atswimtwolengths · 27/12/2010 00:02

Don't live with ANYONE who doesn't have the children's interests at heart.

Tortington · 27/12/2010 00:04

communication doesn't go without saying.

i'm not saying that shes not a sulky peculiar shithead.

i'm just saying that you ae being passive agressive.

TDada · 27/12/2010 00:04

Gosh; she will make your life very diffcult. Relationship with grandparents can be really supportive and rich...doesn't sound like this would be the case. Shame' but not your problem.

mamatomany · 27/12/2010 00:06

She does love them, there's no doubt about that, she played with them all day, bounced the baby on her knee etc but I keep remembering back to when DD2 was a baby, I wanted to dash out and pick up DD1 from nursery so asked her to watch DD2 aged 12 months, she said she would but then needed the toilet as I was going out the door so rather than wait herself or ask me to wait she plonked a toddler down in the middle of the room and walked out of it leaving her alone and she started to cry.
It's almost as if she's incapable of anything or anyone being allowed to get between her and her comfort or happiness.
DH was dumped at his grandfathers aged 17 whilst she pissed off to Spain with her new husband. With no support financial or otherwise.

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 27/12/2010 00:16

hmm, it seems like you only see the negative... theres nothing wrong with making a toddler wait while you go to the loo!

otoh she is selfish! to not make them a pizza is stupid as is sulking at her age

that first part wasn't meant to sound harsh btw i'm a bit tipsy and can't express myself nicely sorry...

i just mean pick your battles?

mamatomany · 27/12/2010 00:21

You see I think that's another example of not being able to wait 10 mins so not to upset the 12 month old who'd seen her mum leave and was now all alone in the house for all she knew as granny buggered off and left her without so much as a word of reassurance.
However I have reminded myself of all the reasons she shouldn't move in so this has been a worthwhile thread and for that I thank you all.
Night night
x

OP posts:
mamatomany · 27/12/2010 00:23

Most people would say to the child I'm going to the loo or take it with them wouldn't they ? I would if I was watching some ones 12 month old, i'd be gutted if they cried on my watch.

OP posts:
Tortington · 27/12/2010 00:27

i'd make sure the kid wouldn't kill itself,

but no - any other sensibilitties about you leaving or the kid being on its own for a 2 minute piss - no, don't agree

mamatomany · 27/12/2010 00:28

But she didn't make sure it couldn't kill itself, just walked off and left it in the middle of the room.

OP posts:
Tortington · 27/12/2010 00:33

well ont hat point then - we agree!

MissAnneElk · 27/12/2010 00:39

Putting a pizza in the oven is not really cooking. You could have put them in the oven and shouted pizza ready when the timer goes off. Or just told your MIL it was pizza for tea for everyone, sort it.
Flu is debilitating for anyone, yes, imminent death was almost certainly an exaggeration, but. I think you should give her a break.

Should she move in?
Not fucking likely!

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