I've had a row with my mum. Actually, over 2 weeks ago now. Usually, after we've had words I call to smooth things over but this time, I haven't. Christmas has come and gone and still, I haven't picked up the phone. I should say, I sent a card but she hasn't acknowledged it. (could be the post!)
I have one sister who lives miles away and my mum doesn't see much of her because of the distance. I live about an hour or so away so, have been the one to visit in the past few years after my step dad died. My mum has, over the years, alienated various friends and family. So, she is quite isolated and won't go to others (and rarely visits me) which leaves her on her own much of the time.
We argued about my ex and his access to our only son (aged 10 with autism). My mum feels I should stop visitation as my ex doesn't put him first, lives a 2hour + journey away and is generally hopeless in her opinion. But, I have said no. My opinion is that my ex is still his dad and they need a relationship now and for the future. I'm aware that at 48 yrs old with a 10yr old disabled son, I won't be around forever to look after him and so, as an only child, his dad (for better or worse) is his best hope.
My mum said I only want to "get rid of" my son every other weekend so that I can "have a break". My son is, admittedly very hard to deal with at times. The school staff have commented that they wonder how I manage with him. We get no help; no respite; I have never had a baby sitter; my son rarely leaves the house and I am his carer. And that's as it should be.
My ex sees his son 3 or 4 nights a month. I don't think that's much.
She said some awful things. Asked me "I suppose you'll just dump him in a special school and forget about him?" This, because I have recently had to view a special secondary school, having been told by his mainstream primary that he won't survive mainstream secondary. I struggle every day with guilt, worry for his future and sadness for the way he struggles every single day.
I should add that my mum and I have (as many mothers and daughters do) a long and chequered past relationship !! I was let down by her as a child and she has since told me that she feels guilty for that. She put me in various positions that I would never put my son in. I was to be given to her sister when a baby because my dad refused to have me with the family (my mum, dad and elder sister). He gave in eventually, but ignored me pretty much until I was about 7 or 8yrs. I went to boarding school at age 10, found it very hard and wanted to come home. Her flat refusal was based on what she thought was best for me. It wasn't best for me.
She has also told me that many years ago, she made her will leaving everything to a person that neither myself nor my sister even know. And actually, that's none of my business, it's her money to do with as she wishes but she tells me often she did it when she was angry with me and now regrets it, though has no intention of changing it.
I'm confused. I hate to fall out and as I say usually make the first move but this time, I just feel beyond it all.
Any advice?
Sorry it's sooooo long!