So just how DO you split the chores?

[cabbageroses]

The other thread on this has been a bit of an eye opener for me.

DH and I have been married quite a long time and our DCs have left home although DS is back temporarily.

I have always worked p/t and still do- though that's not a really accurate description as I have 2 jobs and one is creative- so I can be planning and researching with nothing to show for it for weeks, then bingo, I have a commission or contract. I could spend all day on this- the sky's the limit. I am based at home for 75% of my work.

DH does nothing at home except put out the wheelie bins, cut the grass in summer and pick up the occasional item of food etc at a weekend or after work if we run out of anything. he will unload and load the dishwasher sau 70% of the time- before work and evenings but rarely tackles pans ot worktops etc.

He does work long hours- out a 7.45 and back around 7-7.30 some days.

However, whilst I was happy to do 80-100% of housework when the kids were at home, I am not so sure now that we have the balance right. I am also working more hours than ever. Hard to put a figure on it- but around 20 hrs a week and sometimes much more.

I do this:
shop
cook from scratch- every day- DH can't and won't learn.
clean 3 loos inc. 2 full bathrooms
dust/hoover
do all laundry ( not DSs.)- wash & iron
do garden in summer.
Act as his extra "PA" at times, posting stuff, etc etc.

he does:
pays most bills ( all online and in his name as major bread winner)
puts wheelies out
grass cutting and heavy gardening jobs if needed
unloads and stacks dishwasher- sometimes.

I was never the little woman at home type but this is what seems to have evolved.

Does this seem unreasonable? Or does he need to do more?

Grow a paid and tell him he needs to do more. Unless you tackle it he's not likely to offer to do more is he!?

P.S do a few ready meals as well, if he dislikes them that much he'll either learn, take you out for dinner or accept ready meals.

Grow a pair obviously!

I do everything! My exh has not seen the children in years. I hope that no comparisons to "being like a single mother" will now be made

We don't split them as such. Whatever needs doing gets done by one of us. Whoever gets round to it first. I'd say it evens out at 50/50

Or probably 60/40.

With him being the 60

we don't have a my job/his job thing. Just our house = our job.

It's not a case of growing a pair- I am pretty forthright!

I expect him and ask him to do more, but unless I physically take him by the hand and say "hoover this room" etc- he just doesn't see the dirt. He is also very untidy which drives me nuts. And he leaves skid marks in the loo, despite bleach etc being in there, on hand.

We had a phase a few years back when he promised to cook one meal a week - find recipe, shop etc etc. It lasted about a month.

He wasn't a mummy's boy- he was at uni for 4 years and then lived on his own until he was 30 when we got married, but he ate mainly at work during the day and had a snack for his "dinner". Whereas I have a snack at lunchtime and want a proper evening meal.

If I nag or moan he simply replies that I have more time and he works long hours.

For me the big question would be do you have an equal amount of free time?

DH works long hrs and is the breadwinner, I work P/time running a business and HomeEd x 2 dcs. I do all the laundry, beds, dusting, clean up the kitchen, shop, 50% of the ironing and 50% of the hoovering, almost all of the child care, all the driving to clubs etc, always clean the bathrooms.

DH does all the cooking on his days off, always puts the bins out, cleans the oven and deals with the garden. He also does whatever jobs I ask of him and often asks what needs doing. I often leave him with a sink of washing up on the days he works as well and he leaves at 6.30 am and arrives home at 8.30pm. I fully expect and rationalise that it's fair for me to fill that time.

By 9pm we both get free time, although I often opt to plan for the kids or business because I want to. He pays all the bills and deals with household finances. I just deal with my own and deal with all extra exp relating to dcs.

I work pt and look after DS on my days at home (no pre-school or anything). I do all the washing, we have a cleaner who does kitchen and bathrooms and I fudge round the rest as and when. I do most of the shopping and meal planning, and cook from scratch most nights although we have a takeaway one night a week. Dh clears up after meals and loads dishwasher, I usually unload next day. I do all the ironing but that's by choice.

Dh does the bins and typically spends more time with DS at weekends to let me get on with cooking etc. He is responsible for car related stuff and electronic type stuff. We do as little as possible in terms of chores at the weekend. Dh also tends to take over a bit more with DS when he gets in from work again so I can get stuff done and we can relax in the evening.

I think we have a fair balance but I think it's easy to let it creep into a heavier load on the woman, especially as it tends to be mothers who are responsible for thinking and planning. I think you just need to ask him to do a bit more (specify it) or arrange a bit of free time for yourself.

Mine has never cut the grass or put the bins out.

X Posted. Agree it is about the amount of free time left to each of you. Sounds like you need to take a tougher line, eg 'every Tuesday you are responsible for tea' and stick to it.

You then need to grow a pair and tell him he needs to do x or y and leave it for him to do it.

I think the problem here is that we are now almost child-free ( well we are really) and although I was happy to shoulder almost all the domestic stuff for years, I am not any longer as my career is taking off again.

I do have more time than him- that is true. But why should I devote it to chores?

When he has free time at a W/E he spends 2 half days going cycling or going to the gym (I don't resent that- keeps him fit.) and offers to pick up a bit of shopping if needed.

I think what I resent most if the lack of cooking skills. There really is no excuse these days.

If I go out for the day to see friends etc and am late back, he would NEVER offer to cook or have anything ready for me- he will have had beans on toast of maybe picked up a take way, but because I have food allergies I can't eat most TAs.

I don't know if I am just having a good moan here, or if he really is being a lazy sod.

Another BIG moan is that we are living in a nice house- but almost every room needs decorating. It's not a huge mess but it all needs a lick of paint. He meanwhile has stripped and put back together a motor bike over 2 years- at weekends. Yes, I rant and rave but nothing changes.

Free time though. Does he actually have more?

What would happen if you started decorating? Would he help or just leave you to it?

Do you do much together?

I agree that the most sensible way to look at it, is who has the most available 'spare time', and then that person does proportionately more housework, with the rest being an even split.

If he is out of the house for around 12 hours a day, that's 60 hours a week. You say you work approx 20 hours, with most of it being at home, so no commute, so by the sounds of it, you are working about one third of the amount he is. It therefore seems entirely reasonable that you should do more. (I understand what you say, that you are building up your work, and you need to adjust the housework split accordingly).

Re: decorating - sit down and discuss what you plan to do, draw up a schedule, and then split the work - again, if you are physically at home more, then it makes sense for you to do more. Or pay to get someone in. Things like that are a one off, so it may be easier to outsource it rather than end up fighting over it

We split the decorating, DH does all the really heavy, dirty work, rubbing down, wall paper stripping, knocking through walls, capentry, hanging doors etc, I do all the painting. It works for us and seems fair, although I have been known to build a shed and felt the roof of the playhouse.

I think the key question is how fairly shared is spare time and to make sure that heavy work is not left to you.

2 people use 3 loos and 2 bathrooms?

Just use one and lock the rest, less cleaning and less heating.

simple in our house , he pays for rent and bills and food etc and i do all chores ,including gardening ,going to the tip ,putting rubbish etc out . Although i returned from work on christmas eve to find he had cleaned the house from top to bottem ,tidied and was emptying the dishwasher ,so i cant complain at least until the new year

Very similar position to you, although I work longer hours and have a two hour commute a day. My suggestions to make him do more without having to discuss / ague:

Don't wash and iron his clothes, let him do it;

Don't cook from scratch each night - good bread, soup, salads etc. or stir frys are quick and easy to do for two;

If you want someone to redecorate / DIY, get someone to come round a give you a quote and then divide the cost;

Stop doing things you know he would do, e.g. going to the wine merchants.

We split pretty much equally, we take turns to do shopping, on weeknights we eat something simple like soup/bread, stir-fry or pasta, generally whoever's home first prepares it. On weekends we cook on one evening each. For laundry we both do each others mixed in with our own to make up a full load, both empty dishwasher if we notice it needs doing, bin gets put out by whoever remembers it's bin day first. Neither of us do any heavy cleaning as we have a cleaner once a week. Gardening we generally do together, anyway that's a hobby not a chore :)

DP does more of the dog walking, buying dog-food, keeping track of what the dog needs, vet visits, remembering to pay the dog walker etc, I should probably start pulling my weight a bit more with that.

We each pay half of the mortgage, bills and other essential household costs.

I'm really quite happy with how we split things. It'll probably all go to hell when we have children (often seems to be the case) though I do see how he is with the dog (involved, patient, sensible and well-organised) as a good sign!