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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you think? And what would you advise a friend in this scenario?

7 replies

sandmonkey · 26/12/2010 07:06

OK, my friend and her husband have been together for about ten years, no kids, usual ups and downs, but the past couple of years have been harder than most, he has lost jobs etcetc, but they seem to have come through it OK, and both are in good, stable (as much as anything is stable) jobs now.
At a family party 3 months ago, he got really drunk and went off his head at her about really personal stuff in front of her family, she has never given details, and I have never asked, but it really upset her. He has flown off the handle about random, small things a couple of times since then.
A week ago, they were at a Christmas party and he dissapeared for an hour at three in the morning. He was talking on his mobile 6 houses up the road, in the bushes. When my friend asked who it was, he said he would tell her later, and that he knew 'not knowing would kill her until he told her'. He never told her and when she looked at his phone later, it was a really common man's name, but she has never heard him mention this name before.
She also told me that they are having their first ever dry spell of sex.
I said that I would be checking his phone regularly, she replied she doesn't want to breach trust like that and is disgusted with herself for checking it in the first place.
He also went way OTT in Christmas presents for her as well.
I know my alarm bells are really ringing that he is shagging someone else, but I am a paranoid hag, I don't know what to tell her, or if I should say anything more at all, or just be there to support her if he is doing the dirty and he gets caught.
Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
lovingmy2 · 26/12/2010 08:03

Just be there for her imo. Say nothing - they are only suspicions at this point.

WriterofDreams · 26/12/2010 08:29

Yeah you shouldn't get involved other than giving your friend someone to talk to. However, she really needs to sit down with her DH and find out what's going on with him, because even if he isn't cheating his behaviour is very weird and it is obviously stressing her out. They need to see where they stand regardless of affairs.

sandmonkey · 26/12/2010 08:37

Thanks, yeah, I wouldn't even think to get involved as I consider him a good friend too. But she has brought up the prospect of him cheating in the past 3 conversations, and I just don't know what to say - I have only once said about checking his phone and the other times I have just listened, said nothing. I might just say, I don't know what to say, but she is welcome to offload to me any time.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 26/12/2010 11:38

He's OBVIOUSLY talking to someone he shouldn't if he's hiding in the bushes six houses away!

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 26/12/2010 11:49

So.

No sex
He's creating arguments with her
He hides in bushes to talk secretly on his mobile phone
he has a number listed on his phone under the name 'John' or something, but they don't know a 'John'
He's buying her an unusual number of gifts.

Hmm

Yeah.

You don't have to be Miss Marple to work out what's going on there.

What to do about it? What can you do? If you had seen him with someone or he'd confessed to you or something, you could tell her, because you'd know something. I suppose all you can do is liten to her and encourage her to take a step back and really see his behaviour and think about it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/12/2010 13:29

my friend has been in this situation - she got the number and i rang it for her and waited to see who answered

needless to say, it was a woman and def no john

she is now deciding what to do -she has 2 kids

tbh anyone who is having an affair is a fool to keep any texts/voice messages on their phone and surely would delete as soon as they read the message

no advice,just be there and dont slag off her hubby as she will prob stay with him

MummieHunnie · 26/12/2010 14:37

I would advise her to go and see a counsellor, she will need support to deal with her husbands behaviour!

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