Anyone here working with their dh / dp?

[MrsWood]

If so, how's your relationship as a result? How do you keep work and relationshp separate?

My dh and I have set up our own company almost 6 years ago and I now find it impossible to work together and be together at the same time... We are too different at running the business - I'm quite organised and he's a "it'll be done eventually" kind of person which leaves us arguing all the time at work and at home.

Some advice please!!!

I tried working with him in the past. Never again. It was just impossible to agree on anything. It made me wonder if I'd married the right man.

Sorry for this blunt and downbeat appraisal.

what happened? Did you leave and he carried on with the business? Is your relationship better? sorry for all the q's but i'm desperate!

He's an actor. We put on a show together. It was a nightmare. The show was embarrassing. We just decided never to work together again.

It's odd because we make a good team when it comes to bringing up kids.

Our relationship didn't really suffer except specifically in relation to the project itself.

Yeah, we argue about the company and how best to run it - I don't know how I can escape those conversations and arguments after so many years...

It was as if we were on a different planet. He couldn't see my point of view and, in fairness, I couldn't understand his. It was like Mars and Venus magnified a thousand times.

Can you get out of it? Or will you try to work it through?

Perhaps a third party would help if you could have discussions in their presence.

I work with my dh extremely amicably. I like to think that it is because we respect each others strengths, but it is probably because he is a bit of a prima donna and I tiptoe around his ego. We both have our roles and they don't really collide to any great extent. I let him decide the long term plans and then I decide how they are going to be achieved. He is a dreamer and I am a pragmatist.

Well, it's quite complex to explain but I have kind off quit a week ago as I got p*ed off with every day having same petty arguments such as "have you called this customer regarding so and so problem" or "have you ordered so and so" and getting "no, not yet" etc. - my dh now has to almost single-handedly run the place (he's got 3 other staff but in other departments) and it's now taking its toll on our personal relationship as he's more at work than before (to catch up) and he tells me I'm unreasonable for having left like I did - but I refuse to do things at the pace he does things - like I said, complex but I'm sure you get the picture... Now I'm at home sulking and he's at the shop fuming... We tried compromise but it doesn't work as more I let go of things, more he gets relaxed and gets on with things his way (until I blow again)

Sorry to hear this.
If I were you I'd just avoid working with him. Like I said, there was no lasting damage done to my relationship with dh after our failed attempt to work together, but if we had continued, I think we may have ended up throttling each other and unable to patch things up.
He needs to be totally in control of what he's doing, and he's not a good team player. I like teamwork.
Even now though, when he tells me about his work, I do my utmost NEVER to make suggestions of any sort.
Triceratops you seem to have a good point about creeping around his ego. I needed to do this more. In fact it was our egos which clashed.

Dh and I used to work together, same company, same clients but different work for them, a lot of work interaction between us. It worked quite well, and to be honest I'm hoping to avoid a proper job by helping him out with his when I eventually send DD3 off to school. Got 4 years before that happens tho .

that's great to hear - i wish i had your patience!

Ha, patience of Job needed for marriage to DH! Yep been out on the tiles tonight!

I work for DH he is my boss , Its not our own company though. I get on at him about standing up for himself and things going on in the company that should be done better.

I usually do the local interviews, but DH has handed this side of things over to a team leader and he used other less experienced people to do them this time. I was raging when I found out as they were done in groups not individual and as a result we have loads of unsuitable employees arrgghh!!! I am always campaigning for staff welfare and its not as important for him so more rows over that one. I am considering finishing with the company but I love it, we always avoid physicaly working together on the floor but I may transfer to an other area and work under another boss.

Sorry rant over .

I work with my DH from time to time and this is hard because we are also splitting up. The work relationship has always been good however and frankly has saved our marriage on more than one occasion. I have drawn up my own contract and also a set of objectives and behaviours which we expect of each other. This tends to help.

Whilst the rest of our relationship is extremely hard and pressured and currently in a complete mess as you will see from my other thread somehow this bit gives us a tranquil non threatening space. We are both working for the sake of the family and in order to boost our family finances so it gives us a shared sense of endevour.

It's a nightmare that's is getting worse by the day!

we've run this pub for 10years. I've mostly left it to dh to run and I've just sometimes helped in hte kitchen if I've had to (mostly washing up). That way I've kept marriage and work separate - although it's not perfect cos dh has resented my lack of involvement.

I've always HATED the way dh runs the business - very, very shoddy. Totally disorganised. No standards. No rosters so no one knows who is suposed to be working and when - staff just turn up when they feel like it it seems to me! Hated it all passionately and been so embarrassed I've concentrated on looking after the kids and home upstairs.

However, this all changed a year ago. We redcorated the pub and took on a new chef. The new chef is unbelievably organised. I've loved working with him in the kitchen and with his encouragement I started working the front of house. Now the front of house is as organised as the kitchen and I LOVE my new role.

The children are older too so I don't need to be as hands on there as I used to. (18 and 13).

BUT this is all at a HUGE cost to our marriage. Dh and I row constantly about the business. He is still as lazy as ever and his favourite phrase is 'it doesn't matter'. But I can no longer tolerate that attitude. I am SO PROUD of what I'm achieving now and there is no way I want to go back to my old role.

We've recently bought a house separate from the pub and our only hope of staying together I think is if he concentrates on doing up the house and lets me and the chef get on with running the pub.

When I think of it from dh's point of view I can totally understand his resentment of me suddenly taking an interest after all these years - and I've said some ghastly things to him about how badly he has run it. I don't honestly know where we go from here.

It's also true that we were making more money when it was run under dh's sloppy management!

I'm off to visit family in Aus for a week which will be a lovely break. It's all getting on top of me at present.

Hellsbells that sounds awful.Have a great holiday and take the time to think about how you want to proceed. What does the chef say about it all?

we do - relationship is fine, but business and life aren't entirely separated, no.

However, dh is quite organised, and is certainly not an "it'll be done eventually" person. I am more like that, in fact. We've worked it out quite well though: I am in charge of dealing with cients and scheduling work, he does the work. For really tricky problems (eg clients not paying), he takes over. It didn't work so well when we both just did our thing: I think you need clear roles and an agreement that business is separate (even if it isn't all the time) so that work criticism is not interpreted as personal criticism.

SP - I like your suggestion about having clearly defined roles. I think that could be very helpful advice to us.

As for the chef gf, well that's where it all gets very messy cos he is swearing undying total love me.. As a result I have discovered a whole new me that is ......well........ confident, bright, bubbly, even..... (dare I say it).......intelligent! I feel like I'm the best 'ME' I can be under his influence.

But I know too that dh does not deserve to be treated the way he has been. He DOES love me .... though I don't always feel it. And we have a long shared history together now (24 years!).

Right now all I want is a complete break from everyone while I try and work what is the best way forward.

If I talk to my family in Aus I know they will remind me forcefully that my loyalties lie with dh ....... and that the chef has got to go.
I think that if that happens I'll be back on antidepressants in no time and back to feeling like a nobody.

My sixth sense told me this might be the case HB it is so difficult in these situations to know what to do for the best and everyone knows the solution but you.

In the end it has to be what makes you and your family happy and that is a really tough call. I too have been through this in business with other men and I am not sure I made all the right decisions but would I do it again. The answer would be yes.

Working well with someone is an aphrodisiac and difficult to deny. That is why it is better to work well with your husband than another man. Whatever you decide I hope you get loads of support both here and in RL. We all make mistakes and do things others dont approve of but I hoep that real friends will listen to you and not judge.

Hi gf - thanks for your response. I've read your other threads with great interest - but don't know what to say to you, any more than I know the answer to my situation. Isn't MN just fantastic tho as a means of airing these problems??? I haven't dared discuss this with anyone in RL. Well, there isn't anyone I COULD discuss it with!!! The whole scenario is really just too, too AWFUL.

No not awful HB just complex and in the end you will sort out a solution which suits you. Maybe no one else will apporve but really that is their problem and in the end it is what makes yu happy.

No one can stand in someone elses shoes or know what it is they are going through we all make our own luck and lives. Whatever you choose make sure it makes you happy. THink long and hard about that.

CRIKEY - what makes ME happy???? That's an interesting question!!! All I can think of is what is fairest to dh, ds and dd. And THAT is difficult cos actually I've been pretending for years that everything's ok - when it hasn't been. I've tried talking to dh about it over the years but his response has always been along the lines of 'I don't know why YOU should feel unhappy - I don't!' Grrrrr! So I then blame myself for being ungrateful and selfish.

Oh boy I definitely need that break away to mull things over.

HB you are right the real problem is when you tell them what it is you need and they dont listen. If like me you start an affair with the man who does listen and your dh finds out I'll take a bet he will still think it is all your fault.

I know I am the woman I am now (more confident and knowing I am brilliant) becuase of my affair. Now though I still want the life I had with dh and my kids that is the real problem. I have found you cant have it both ways.